Tag: Shame you’re not a perfect size 6

Look, we all know that fat people are the worst. And that being a perfect size 6 is the dream. Well, before size zero happened.

Sweet Valley Twins #117: Down With Queen Janet!

Posted on 14 June 202115 June 2021 by Raven

Raven recaps Sweet Valley Twins #117: Down With Queen Janet, in which Janet Howell does a very passible impersonation of Kyle’s Mom.

Sweet Valley Twins #112: If Looks Could Kill

Posted on 12 April 202112 April 2021 by Wing

Wing recaps Sweet Valley Twins 112 If Looks Could Kill and a boring set of love triangles becomes an entertaining KILL THEM ALL game. Metaphorically, alas.

Sweet Valley Twins Magna Edition #3: BIG for Christmas

Posted on 10 February 202016 June 2020 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins Magna Edition #3: BIG for Christmas wherein Jamie Suzanne rips off a well-known plot, gives Elizabeth a spine, and makes me question how slutty silk is.

Sweet Valley Twins Super Chiller #6: The Curse of the Golden Heart

Posted on 24 June 20196 November 2019 by Wing

Wing recaps Sweet Valley Twins Super Chiller: The Curse of the Golden Heart. There are far too many dreams and far too little cursing.

Sweet Valley Twins #74: Elizabeth the Hero

Posted on 11 February 201913 December 2020 by Raven

Raven recaps sweet Valley Twins #74: Elizabeth the Hero, in which Elizabeth saves Denny Jacobson’s life over and over again, yet no one thinks to stab Steven in the face.

Sweet Valley Twins #68: The Middle School Gets Married

Posted on 10 December 20185 February 2021 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins #68: The Middle School Gets Married, wherein each twin gets paired with an even worse version of themself and wacky hi-jinks ensue with bonus baby (egg) death! #RIPStevenFidos #NeverForget

Sweet Valley Twins Magna Edition #1: The Magic Christmas

Posted on 5 November 201813 December 2020 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins Magna Edition #1: The Magic Christmas wherein the emphasis is on the Magic rather than the Christmas, dolls can move, creatures die, and gosh, this summary sounds dark.

Sweet Valley Twins #51: Elizabeth the Impossible

Posted on 4 June 201828 June 2018 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins #51: Elizabeth the Impossible wherein Elizabeth enters an abusive relationship and changes everything about herself to appease her abuser. Or she gets too big for her boots after winning a few awards. You decide what you think the book’s about.

Sweet Valley Twins #37: The War Between the Twins

Posted on 8 January 201815 December 2018 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins #37: The War Between the Twins, in which Jessica launches a rival newspaper, many lies are told and Amy Sutton can just get in the f***ing sea.

Sweet Valley Twins #29: Jessica and the Brat Attack

Posted on 9 October 201715 December 2018 by Wing

Wing recaps Sweet Valley Twins #29: Jessica and the Brat Attack, wherein Jess faces four children more evil and annoying than herself. And Wing has zero sympathy. It is beautiful.

Sweet Valley Twins #28: April Fool!

Posted on 25 September 201725 September 2017 by Raven

Raven recaps Sweet Valley Twins #28: April Fool! This book sees Elizabeth and Jessica join forces against their brother Stephen, who has become possessed by a giant squid. The fourteen-year-old sandwich chomper threatens to squirt his murky ink all over Sweet Valley, and the twins decree he Must Be Stopped. (Actually, that’s a big lie… April Fool!)

Sweet Valley Twins #25: Standing Out

Posted on 28 August 201715 December 2018 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins 25: Standing Out, in which Billie Layton has to deal with getting her period, liking boys, and having her shitbag parents steal her name and give it to their new child.

Sweet Valley Twins #19: The Bully

Posted on 26 June 201720 August 2017 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins #19: The Bully, a book which begs the question, “What are the cave’s dimensions?”

Sweet Valley Twins #16: Second Best

Posted on 22 May 201728 June 2018 by Wing

Wing Recaps Sweet Valley Twins 16: Second Best. Where brothers dislike each other, and it’s up to busybody Elizabeth to turn them into BFFs.

Sweet Valley Twins #12: Keeping Secrets

Posted on 10 April 201718 March 2020 by Raven

Raven recaps Sweet Valley Twins #12: Keeping Secrets, wherein Ned teaches the girls a secret (and tedious) language and IT TEARS THE SCHOOL APART!

Sweet Valley Twins #8: First Place

Posted on 6 March 201726 September 2018 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins #8: First Place, wherein Lila Fowler gets a horse, and Elizabeth feels she is the one who “deserves” it.

Sweet Valley Twins #5: Sneaking Out

Posted on 6 February 20174 February 2017 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins #5: Sneaking Out, wherein Jessica nearly kills a dog. And gets rewarded with jewellery.

Sweet Valley Twins #4: Choosing Sides

Posted on 30 January 201718 March 2020 by Wing

Wing recaps Sweet Valley Twins #4: Choosing Sides, wherein Amy wants to twirl a baton, Jessica doesn’t want her to, and Elizabeth feebly stands in the middle, wondering whose side to take.

Sweet Valley Twins #3: The Haunted House

Posted on 16 January 201719 January 2020 by Raven

Raven recaps Sweet Valley Twins #3: The Haunted House, where the entire school mistakes an orphan for a witch, and bullies her accordingly.

Sweet Valley Twins #2: Teacher’s Pet

Posted on 9 January 201713 December 2020 by Dove

Sweet Valley Twins #2: Teacher’s Pet, wherein Elizabeth is much beloved, Jessica wants to murder everyone and Madame André deserves to have her ballet studio burned to the ground.