The Unicorn Club #23: Trapped in the Mall
Wing recaps The Unicorn Club #23: Trapped in the Mall and goes boom. Fuck Sweet Valley parents. Fuck the Unicorn Club. Mostly, fuck Kimberly Haver.
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Tag: Shame you’re not a perfect size 6
Look, we all know that fat people are the worst. And that being a perfect size 6 is the dream. Well, before size zero happened.
The Unicorn Club #19: The Most Beautiful Girl in the World
Raven recaps The Unicorn Club #19: The Most Beautiful Girl in the World, in which the Unicorns discover you can be TOO thin, while simultaneously reminding us you can be too fat.
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The Unicorn Club #13: Who Will Be Miss Unicorn?
Raven recaps The Unicorn Club #13: Who Will Be Miss Unicorn, in which Mandy Miller is both the ugliest thing in the world and the most beautiful girl on the planet.
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The Unicorn Club #6: Unicorns at War (Super Edition)
Dove recaps The Unicorn Club #6: Unicorns at War (Super Edition) which is a rehash of Tug of War if blank-page Bella from Twilight was a main character #NotMyMandy
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The Unicorn Club #1: Save the Unicorns!
Dove recaps Save the Unicorns! and cannot stop gushing about how bloody fantastic it is, we have daring flood rescues, fabulous parties and righteous demonstrations, not to mention great girl friendships!
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Sweet Valley Twins #117: Down With Queen Janet!
Raven recaps Sweet Valley Twins #117: Down With Queen Janet, in which Janet Howell does a very passible impersonation of Kyle’s Mom.
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Sweet Valley Twins #112: If Looks Could Kill
Wing recaps Sweet Valley Twins 112 If Looks Could Kill and a boring set of love triangles becomes an entertaining KILL THEM ALL game. Metaphorically, alas.
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Sweet Valley Twins Magna Edition #3: BIG for Christmas
Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins Magna Edition #3: BIG for Christmas wherein Jamie Suzanne rips off a well-known plot, gives Elizabeth a spine, and makes me question how slutty silk is.
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Sweet Valley Twins Super Chiller #6: The Curse of the Golden Heart
Wing recaps Sweet Valley Twins Super Chiller: The Curse of the Golden Heart. There are far too many dreams and far too little cursing.
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Sweet Valley Twins #74: Elizabeth the Hero
Raven recaps sweet Valley Twins #74: Elizabeth the Hero, in which Elizabeth saves Denny Jacobson’s life over and over again, yet no one thinks to stab Steven in the face.
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Sweet Valley Twins #68: The Middle School Gets Married
Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins #68: The Middle School Gets Married, wherein each twin gets paired with an even worse version of themself and wacky hi-jinks ensue with bonus baby (egg) death! #RIPStevenFidos #NeverForget
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Sweet Valley Twins Magna Edition #1: The Magic Christmas
Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins Magna Edition #1: The Magic Christmas wherein the emphasis is on the Magic rather than the Christmas, dolls can move, creatures die, and gosh, this summary sounds dark.
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Sweet Valley Twins #51: Elizabeth the Impossible
Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins #51: Elizabeth the Impossible wherein Elizabeth enters an abusive relationship and changes everything about herself to appease her abuser. Or she gets too big for her boots after winning a few awards. You decide what you think the book’s about.
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Sweet Valley Twins #37: The War Between the Twins
Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins #37: The War Between the Twins, in which Jessica launches a rival newspaper, many lies are told and Amy Sutton can just get in the f***ing sea.
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Sweet Valley Twins #29: Jessica and the Brat Attack
Wing recaps Sweet Valley Twins #29: Jessica and the Brat Attack, wherein Jess faces four children more evil and annoying than herself. And Wing has zero sympathy. It is beautiful.
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Sweet Valley Twins #28: April Fool!
Raven recaps Sweet Valley Twins #28: April Fool! This book sees Elizabeth and Jessica join forces against their brother Stephen, who has become possessed by a giant squid. The fourteen-year-old sandwich chomper threatens to squirt his murky ink all over Sweet Valley, and the twins decree he Must Be Stopped. (Actually, that’s a big lie… April Fool!)
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Sweet Valley Twins #25: Standing Out
Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins 25: Standing Out, in which Billie Layton has to deal with getting her period, liking boys, and having her shitbag parents steal her name and give it to their new child.
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Sweet Valley Twins #19: The Bully
Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins #19: The Bully, a book which begs the question, “What are the cave’s dimensions?”
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Sweet Valley Twins #16: Second Best
Wing Recaps Sweet Valley Twins 16: Second Best. Where brothers dislike each other, and it’s up to busybody Elizabeth to turn them into BFFs.
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Sweet Valley Twins #12: Keeping Secrets
Raven recaps Sweet Valley Twins #12: Keeping Secrets, wherein Ned teaches the girls a secret (and tedious) language and IT TEARS THE SCHOOL APART!
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