Tag: Shame you’re not a perfect size 6

Look, we all know that fat people are the worst. And that being a perfect size 6 is the dream. Well, before size zero happened.

Sweet Valley High #7: Dear Sister

Posted on 31 October 202230 October 2022 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley High #7: Dear Sister, wherein Elizabeth is Jessica, Jessica is Elizabeth and the Wakefield parents are literally the worst parents in the world.

Sweet Valley High #4: Power Play

Posted on 3 October 20223 October 2022 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley High #4: Power Play and goes BOOM every few paragraphs. Also Liz doesn’t understand sarcasm or metaphors. Seriously.

Sweet Valley High #3: Playing With Fire

Posted on 19 September 202225 September 2022 by Wing

Wing recaps Sweet Valley High #3: Playing With Fire and three books in, she’s burning Sweet Valley to the ground.

The Unicorn Club #23: Trapped in the Mall

Posted on 23 June 202223 June 2022 by Wing

Wing recaps The Unicorn Club #23: Trapped in the Mall and goes boom. Fuck Sweet Valley parents. Fuck the Unicorn Club. Mostly, fuck Kimberly Haver.

The Unicorn Club #19: The Most Beautiful Girl in the World

Posted on 9 May 20229 May 2022 by Raven

Raven recaps The Unicorn Club #19: The Most Beautiful Girl in the World, in which the Unicorns discover you can be TOO thin, while simultaneously reminding us you can be too fat.

The Unicorn Club #13: Who Will Be Miss Unicorn?

Posted on 7 March 20227 March 2022 by Raven

Raven recaps The Unicorn Club #13: Who Will Be Miss Unicorn, in which Mandy Miller is both the ugliest thing in the world and the most beautiful girl on the planet.

The Unicorn Club #6: Unicorns at War (Super Edition)

Posted on 25 October 202125 November 2021 by Dove

Dove recaps The Unicorn Club #6: Unicorns at War (Super Edition) which is a rehash of Tug of War if blank-page Bella from Twilight was a main character #NotMyMandy

The Unicorn Club #1: Save the Unicorns!

Posted on 6 September 202125 November 2021 by Dove

Dove recaps Save the Unicorns! and cannot stop gushing about how bloody fantastic it is, we have daring flood rescues, fabulous parties and righteous demonstrations, not to mention great girl friendships!

Sweet Valley Twins #117: Down With Queen Janet!

Posted on 14 June 202127 June 2021 by Raven

Raven recaps Sweet Valley Twins #117: Down With Queen Janet, in which Janet Howell does a very passible impersonation of Kyle’s Mom.

Sweet Valley Twins #112: If Looks Could Kill

Posted on 12 April 202112 April 2021 by Wing

Wing recaps Sweet Valley Twins 112 If Looks Could Kill and a boring set of love triangles becomes an entertaining KILL THEM ALL game. Metaphorically, alas.

Sweet Valley Twins Magna Edition #3: BIG for Christmas

Posted on 10 February 202016 June 2020 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins Magna Edition #3: BIG for Christmas wherein Jamie Suzanne rips off a well-known plot, gives Elizabeth a spine, and makes me question how slutty silk is.

Sweet Valley Twins Super Chiller #6: The Curse of the Golden Heart

Posted on 24 June 20196 November 2019 by Wing

Wing recaps Sweet Valley Twins Super Chiller: The Curse of the Golden Heart. There are far too many dreams and far too little cursing.

Sweet Valley Twins #74: Elizabeth the Hero

Posted on 11 February 201913 December 2020 by Raven

Raven recaps sweet Valley Twins #74: Elizabeth the Hero, in which Elizabeth saves Denny Jacobson’s life over and over again, yet no one thinks to stab Steven in the face.

Sweet Valley Twins #68: The Middle School Gets Married

Posted on 10 December 20185 February 2021 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins #68: The Middle School Gets Married, wherein each twin gets paired with an even worse version of themself and wacky hi-jinks ensue with bonus baby (egg) death! #RIPStevenFidos #NeverForget

Sweet Valley Twins Magna Edition #1: The Magic Christmas

Posted on 5 November 201825 November 2021 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins Magna Edition #1: The Magic Christmas wherein the emphasis is on the Magic rather than the Christmas, dolls can move, creatures die, and gosh, this summary sounds dark.

Sweet Valley Twins #51: Elizabeth the Impossible

Posted on 4 June 201828 June 2018 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins #51: Elizabeth the Impossible wherein Elizabeth enters an abusive relationship and changes everything about herself to appease her abuser. Or she gets too big for her boots after winning a few awards. You decide what you think the book’s about.

Sweet Valley Twins #37: The War Between the Twins

Posted on 8 January 201815 December 2018 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins #37: The War Between the Twins, in which Jessica launches a rival newspaper, many lies are told and Amy Sutton can just get in the f***ing sea.

Sweet Valley Twins #29: Jessica and the Brat Attack

Posted on 9 October 201715 December 2018 by Wing

Wing recaps Sweet Valley Twins #29: Jessica and the Brat Attack, wherein Jess faces four children more evil and annoying than herself. And Wing has zero sympathy. It is beautiful.

Sweet Valley Twins #28: April Fool!

Posted on 25 September 201725 September 2017 by Raven

Raven recaps Sweet Valley Twins #28: April Fool! This book sees Elizabeth and Jessica join forces against their brother Stephen, who has become possessed by a giant squid. The fourteen-year-old sandwich chomper threatens to squirt his murky ink all over Sweet Valley, and the twins decree he Must Be Stopped. (Actually, that’s a big lie… April Fool!)

Sweet Valley Twins #25: Standing Out

Posted on 28 August 201715 December 2018 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins 25: Standing Out, in which Billie Layton has to deal with getting her period, liking boys, and having her shitbag parents steal her name and give it to their new child.