Evil triplets snarkily recap Sweet Valley Twins, High, University, Confidential & Sweet Life
Look, we all know that fat people are the worst. And that being a perfect size 6 is the dream. Well, before size zero happened.
Dove recaps Save the Unicorns! and cannot stop gushing about how bloody fantastic it is, we have daring flood rescues, fabulous parties and righteous demonstrations, not to mention great girl friendships!
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Raven recaps Sweet Valley Twins #117: Down With Queen Janet, in which Janet Howell does a very passible impersonation of Kyle’s Mom.
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Wing recaps Sweet Valley Twins 112 If Looks Could Kill and a boring set of love triangles becomes an entertaining KILL THEM ALL game. Metaphorically, alas.
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Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins Magna Edition #3: BIG for Christmas wherein Jamie Suzanne rips off a well-known plot, gives Elizabeth a spine, and makes me question how slutty silk is.
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Wing recaps Sweet Valley Twins Super Chiller: The Curse of the Golden Heart. There are far too many dreams and far too little cursing.
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Raven recaps sweet Valley Twins #74: Elizabeth the Hero, in which Elizabeth saves Denny Jacobson’s life over and over again, yet no one thinks to stab Steven in the face.
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Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins #68: The Middle School Gets Married, wherein each twin gets paired with an even worse version of themself and wacky hi-jinks ensue with bonus baby (egg) death! #RIPStevenFidos #NeverForget
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Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins Magna Edition #1: The Magic Christmas wherein the emphasis is on the Magic rather than the Christmas, dolls can move, creatures die, and gosh, this summary sounds dark.
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Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins #51: Elizabeth the Impossible wherein Elizabeth enters an abusive relationship and changes everything about herself to appease her abuser. Or she gets too big for her boots after winning a few awards. You decide what you think the book’s about.
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Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins #37: The War Between the Twins, in which Jessica launches a rival newspaper, many lies are told and Amy Sutton can just get in the f***ing sea.
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Wing recaps Sweet Valley Twins #29: Jessica and the Brat Attack, wherein Jess faces four children more evil and annoying than herself. And Wing has zero sympathy. It is beautiful.
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Raven recaps Sweet Valley Twins #28: April Fool! This book sees Elizabeth and Jessica join forces against their brother Stephen, who has become possessed by a giant squid. The fourteen-year-old sandwich chomper threatens to squirt his murky ink all over Sweet Valley, and the twins decree he Must Be Stopped. (Actually, that’s a big lie… April Fool!)
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Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins 25: Standing Out, in which Billie Layton has to deal with getting her period, liking boys, and having her shitbag parents steal her name and give it to their new child.
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Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins #19: The Bully, a book which begs the question, “What are the cave’s dimensions?”
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Wing Recaps Sweet Valley Twins 16: Second Best. Where brothers dislike each other, and it’s up to busybody Elizabeth to turn them into BFFs.
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Raven recaps Sweet Valley Twins #12: Keeping Secrets, wherein Ned teaches the girls a secret (and tedious) language and IT TEARS THE SCHOOL APART!
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Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins #8: First Place, wherein Lila Fowler gets a horse, and Elizabeth feels she is the one who “deserves” it.
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Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins #5: Sneaking Out, wherein Jessica nearly kills a dog. And gets rewarded with jewellery.
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Wing recaps Sweet Valley Twins #4: Choosing Sides, wherein Amy wants to twirl a baton, Jessica doesn’t want her to, and Elizabeth feebly stands in the middle, wondering whose side to take.
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Raven recaps Sweet Valley Twins #3: The Haunted House, where the entire school mistakes an orphan for a witch, and bullies her accordingly.
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