Tag: The tears of a saint

Elizabeth is crying once more.

Sweet Valley High #26: Hostage!

Posted on 15 May 202321 May 2023 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley High #26: Hostage!, which features hostages, daring rescues, useless police, and… random shit about Ken Matthews failing English.

Sweet Valley High #23: Say Goodbye

Posted on 3 April 20233 April 2023 by Wing

Wing recaps Sweet Valley High 23: Say Goodbye and oh, it would help if she gave one flying fuck about Todd and Liz’s relationship, but since she doesn’t, be prepared for some nitpicking when cars and names change within a few pages.

Sweet Valley High Super Edition #1: Perfect Summer

Posted on 20 March 202320 March 2023 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley High Super Edition #1: Perfect Summer, where most of the action is off screen but it makes up for it with 240 pages of dish washing.

The cover is blueish grey with orange text - a particularly horrible combination and the text is harder to read because each colour is very muted, so they don't pop against each other. Standard porthole cover, with Trisha Martin standing in the foreground visible from the ribs up, she has short chestnut hair and dark eyes. She's wearing an oversized blue shirt with a white collar that makes her look like a maid (not sure how we're supposed to infer this is a hard-drinking slut from such prissy attire). No pose, arms at sides. Behind her, one of the twins stands with her hand on her chin, looking somewhere between thoughtful and murderous. The hair implies it's Liz, but the vicious look in her eye says Jessica. She's wearing an orange tank top.

Sweet Valley High #15: Promises

Posted on 16 January 202316 January 2023 by Wing

Wing recaps Sweet Valley High #15: Promises and hates every goddamn second of this hypocritical Jessica and death by cancer fucking book.

Sweet Valley High #8: Heart Breaker

Posted on 10 November 202210 November 2022 by Raven

Raven recaps Sweet Valley High #8: Heart Breaker, in which Bill Chase’s depressing backstory gets him an X Factor audition.

Sweet Valley High #6: Dangerous Love

Posted on 24 October 202224 October 2022 by Wing

Wing recaps Sweet Valley High #6: Dangerous Love

Sweet Valley High #5: All Night Long

Posted on 17 October 20224 December 2022 by Raven

Raven recaps Sweet Valley High #5: All Night Long, in which Jessica is “romanced” by a man with a mustache, and Elizabeth… fails… a… TEST!

Sweet Valley High #1: Double Love

Posted on 5 September 20224 December 2022 by Raven

Raven recaps Sweet Valley High #1: Double Love, the first book in the new series… and we’re not in Kansas anymore.

Sweet Valley Twins Super Edition #13: Elizabeth: Next Stop: Jr High

Posted on 11 July 202211 July 2022 by Raven

Raven recaps Sweet Valley Twins Super Edition #13: Elizabeth: Next Stop: Jr High, in which Elizabeth Wakefield spends five weeks in Costa Rica, snogging a boy in a forest.

Sweet Valley Twins Super Edition #12: Good-Bye Middle School

Posted on 27 June 202227 June 2022 by Dove

Dove does her last reacap of Sweet Valley Twins, Super Edition #12: Good-Bye Middle School, which has no plot, the characters suck, nothing is resolved and Magical Native Americans die for the Wakefields’ sins. So a fitting cap to the series, all things considered.

The Unicorn Club #6: Unicorns at War (Super Edition)

Posted on 25 October 202125 November 2021 by Dove

Dove recaps The Unicorn Club #6: Unicorns at War (Super Edition) which is a rehash of Tug of War if blank-page Bella from Twilight was a main character #NotMyMandy

Sweet Valley Twins Super Edition #10: The Year Without Christmas

Posted on 5 April 20215 April 2021 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins Super Edition #10: The Year Without Christmas wherein Jessica relives Christmas Eve over and over and over… and contemplates murdering Amy Sutton

Sweet Valley Twins #103: Elizabeth Solves It All

Posted on 16 November 202025 February 2021 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins #103: Elizabeth Solves It All, where this Jamie appears to hate Elizabeth as much as Dove does, and Amy Sutton is surprisingly awesome. Yeah, no, really.

Sweet Valley Twins #94: Don’t Talk to Brian

Posted on 27 July 202023 April 2023 by Wing

Wing recaps Sweet Valley Twins #93: Don’t Talk to Brian wherein Brian the Nazi is redeemed. Wing takes this about as well as you’d think.

Sweet Valley Twins #86: It Can’t Happen Here

Posted on 16 March 202025 February 2021 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins #86: It Can’t Happen Here wherein Sweet Valley tackles the Holocaust and the dead rise from the grave. Not hyperbole. #DoveGoesBOOM!

Sweet Valley Twins Magna Edition #2: A Christmas Without Elizabeth

Posted on 27 February 201925 November 2021 by Raven

Raven recaps Sweet Valley Twins Magna Edition #2: A Christmas Without Elizabeth, in which Elizabeth Lassos the Moon. Merry Chrismas, Sweet Valley!

Sweet Valley Twins #58: Elizabeth and the Orphans

Posted on 20 August 201821 February 2021 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins #58: Elizabeth and the Orphans wherein Melissa and Andy McCormick lose their mother and it’s actually quite sad, and Elizabeth does very little, except show up every few pages to remind us that she exists.

Sweet Valley Twins Super Chiller #1: The Christmas Ghost

Posted on 18 December 201710 December 2020 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins Super Chiller #1: The Christmas Ghost, which is a Sweet Valley retelling of A Christmas Carol, with pop stars and talking unicorns (not the girl gang), and loads of versions of Jessica… all of which she takes a few minutes to identify as being herself (or Liz).

Sweet Valley Twins #21: Left Behind

Posted on 18 July 201723 April 2023 by Wing

Wing recaps Sweet Valley Twins 21: Left Behind, where Saint Elizabeth solves everything. Again.

Sweet Valley Twins #18: Center of Attention

Posted on 19 June 201723 April 2023 by Wing

Wing recaps Sweet Valley Twins #18: Center of Attention. And she loves it. Massively. We can mock her for this.