Author: Dove

I am Dove (she/her). I am: Team Jessica (Sweet Valley); Team Bad Guy (Point Horror); Team Geiger (Making Out); Team Nina/Lucas (Making Out); and I am the voice of a claymation cow named Daisy, and I was in an advert for Fairy Liquid in the 80s.

The Unicorn Club #18: Rachel’s In, Lila’s Out

Posted on 2 May 20228 May 2022 by Dove

Dove recaps The Unicorn Club #17: Rachel’s In, Lila’s Out and fixates on the one throwaway line that there are 75 rooms in Fowler Crest. That’s tells you all you need to know about how good the plot is.

The Unicorn Club #14: Lila on the Loose

Posted on 14 March 202214 March 2022 by Dove

Dove recaps The Unicorn Club #14: Lila on the Loose where Lila finally has had enough of her father’s lack of parenting and snaps. And it’s kind of glorious.

Site is Misbehaving

Posted on 13 March 2022 by Dove

Minor backend issues mean that some pages aren’t working – like the character list. I will fix them, but it takes time. This will not effect our recapping schedule.

A brief hiatus

Posted on 9 January 20228 January 2022 by Dove

We are taking a brief hiatus from recapping. We will update with a return date once we’ve sorted one out.

The Unicorn Club #12: Five Girls and a Baby

Posted on 20 December 202120 December 2021 by Dove

Title: Five Girls and a Baby Tagline: The baby-sitting job that won’t end Summary: When my friends in the Unicorn

The Unicorn Club #9: Ellen’s Family Secret

Posted on 22 November 202125 November 2021 by Dove

Dove recaps The Unicorn Club #9: Ellen’s Family Secret, wherein Ellen tries to Parent Trap her feuding parents without anyone finding out and asks probing questions such as: What Would Jessica Do? and Do the Fowlers’ servants ever get a day off?

The Unicorn Club #6: Unicorns at War (Super Edition)

Posted on 25 October 202125 November 2021 by Dove

Dove recaps The Unicorn Club #6: Unicorns at War (Super Edition) which is a rehash of Tug of War if blank-page Bella from Twilight was a main character #NotMyMandy

The Unicorn Club #1: Save the Unicorns!

Posted on 6 September 202125 November 2021 by Dove

Dove recaps Save the Unicorns! and cannot stop gushing about how bloody fantastic it is, we have daring flood rescues, fabulous parties and righteous demonstrations, not to mention great girl friendships!

Team Sweet Valley #2: Win One For Sandra

Posted on 12 July 202112 July 2021 by Dove

Dove recaps Team Sweet Valley #2: Win One For Sandra and loathes every second of it, with special shout-out to Elizabeth-behaving-as-Jessica and Supah Speshul Sandra, not to mention the incomprehensible layout of where these games take place.

Sweet Valley Twins #118: No Escape!

Posted on 21 June 202118 April 2022 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins #118: No Escape!, the last in the main SVT series – where Mr Seigel is crowned GOD OF TERRIBLE TEACHERS and Dove becomes Team Elizabeth in response.

Sweet Valley Twins Super Edition #11: Jessica’s No Angel

Posted on 10 May 20215 September 2021 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins Super Edition #11: Jessica’s No Angel, wherein – for the second time ever – Elizabeth is the greatest character ever.

Sweet Valley Twins Super Edition #10: The Year Without Christmas

Posted on 5 April 20215 April 2021 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins Super Edition #10: The Year Without Christmas wherein Jessica relives Christmas Eve over and over and over… and contemplates murdering Amy Sutton

Sweet Valley Twins #110: Pumpkin Fever

Posted on 15 March 202115 March 2021 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins 110: Pumpkin Fever in which Jessica wants to be crowned Halloween Queen, and will stop at nothing to achieve it, including murdering a fictional squirrel!

Sweet Valley Twins #108: Cammi’s Crush

Posted on 15 February 20211 July 2021 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins #108: Cammi’s Crush, which is a Sweet Valley retelling of Emma/Clueless and… it’s actually awesome

Sweet Valley Twins Super Edition #8: Jessica’s First Kiss

Posted on 11 January 202111 January 2021 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins Super Edition #8: Jessica’s First Kiss, which is pointless because Jessica was kissed in book 15, which was 110 books ago. But this book contains camping! Bears! Vomit! EXCITING, YES?

We’re taking December off

Posted on 7 December 20205 December 2020 by Dove

Just letting you know we’re taking a break and will be back on 4 Jan 2021.

Sweet Valley Twins #103: Elizabeth Solves It All

Posted on 16 November 202025 February 2021 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins #103: Elizabeth Solves It All, where this Jamie appears to hate Elizabeth as much as Dove does, and Amy Sutton is surprisingly awesome. Yeah, no, really.

Sweet Valley Twins #100: If I Die Before I Wake

Posted on 28 September 202025 February 2021 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins #100: If I Die Before I Wake. What happens? To quote Alice Wakefield, “I don’t think we’ll ever know the answers…” SERIOUSLY? FUCK YOU!

Sweet Valley Twins #97: Too Scared to Sleep

Posted on 31 August 202025 February 2021 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins #97: Too Scared to Sleep, the unholy union between Freddy Krueger and Kristy Thomas, where literally nothing happens for 30k words.

Sweet Valley Twins #95: Battle of the Cheerleaders

Posted on 3 August 202025 February 2021 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins #95: Battle of the Cheerleaders, and accidentally enjoys it. Note: it’s not about cheerleading. It’s about basketball. And Dove doesn’t understand that at all.