Character: Elizabeth Wakefield

Most perfect human being on the planet. How would life go on without her?

Sweet Valley High #18: Head Over Heels by Francine Pascal

Sweet Valley High #18: Head Over Heels

Wing recaps Sweet Valley High #18: Head Over Heels and would have found it charming and silly had the romantic hero not been BRUCE FUCKING PATMAN, abusive rapist.

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Sweet Valley High #16: Rags to Riches

Dove recaps Sweet Valley High #16: Rags to Riches, wherein a cute boy becomes rich, and Jessica suddenly wants to date him. And it’s actually better than it sounds.

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The cover is blueish grey with orange text - a particularly horrible combination and the text is harder to read because each colour is very muted, so they don't pop against each other. Standard porthole cover, with Trisha Martin standing in the foreground visible from the ribs up, she has short chestnut hair and dark eyes. She's wearing an oversized blue shirt with a white collar that makes her look like a maid (not sure how we're supposed to infer this is a hard-drinking slut from such prissy attire). No pose, arms at sides. Behind her, one of the twins stands with her hand on her chin, looking somewhere between thoughtful and murderous. The hair implies it's Liz, but the vicious look in her eye says Jessica. She's wearing an orange tank top.

Sweet Valley High #15: Promises

Wing recaps Sweet Valley High #15: Promises and hates every goddamn second of this hypocritical Jessica and death by cancer fucking book.

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Sweet Valley High #13: Kidnapped!

Dove recaps Sweet Valley High #13: Kidnapped!, a misleading book because 71% of the book is not about a kidnapping. It’s about the value of homework. FFS.

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Sweet Valley High #12: When Love Dies

Wing recaps Sweet Valley Twins #12: When Love Dies, and it’s probably a mistake to spend so much time talking about a character dying from cancer. Ah well.

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Sweet Valley High #11: Too Good To Be True

Raven recaps Sweet Valley High #11: Too Good To Be True, in which we meet a girl who makes Jessica look like Mother Theresa.

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Sweet Valley High #10: Wrong Kind of Girl

Dove recaps Sweet Valley High #10: Wrong Kind of Girl, where Jessica AGAIN bullies a perfectly nice girl. TRIGGER WARNING: suicide

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Sweet Valley High #8: Heart Breaker

Raven recaps Sweet Valley High #8: Heart Breaker, in which Bill Chase’s depressing backstory gets him an X Factor audition.

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Sweet Valley High #7: Dear Sister

Dove recaps Sweet Valley High #7: Dear Sister, wherein Elizabeth is Jessica, Jessica is Elizabeth and the Wakefield parents are literally the worst parents in the world.

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Sweet Valley High #5: All Night Long

Raven recaps Sweet Valley High #5: All Night Long, in which Jessica is “romanced” by a man with a mustache, and Elizabeth… fails… a… TEST!

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Sweet Valley High #4: Power Play

Dove recaps Sweet Valley High #4: Power Play and goes BOOM every few paragraphs. Also Liz doesn’t understand sarcasm or metaphors. Seriously.

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Sweet Valley Junior High #1: Get Real

Dove recaps the absolute best book in the entire Sweet Valley franchise and is shocked to find out that it’s Sweet Valley Junior High #1: Get Real

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Sweet Valley High #3: Playing With Fire

Wing recaps Sweet Valley High #3: Playing With Fire and three books in, she’s burning Sweet Valley to the ground.

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Sweet Valley High #2: Secrets

Dove recaps Sweet Valley High #2: Secrets in which Enid Rollins is the only decent human being

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Sweet Valley High #1: Double Love

Raven recaps Sweet Valley High #1: Double Love, the first book in the new series… and we’re not in Kansas anymore.

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