Tag: A+ parenting

Nobody in Sweet Valley should be allowed to have a child.

The cover is blueish grey with orange text - a particularly horrible combination and the text is harder to read because each colour is very muted, so they don't pop against each other. Standard porthole cover, with Trisha Martin standing in the foreground visible from the ribs up, she has short chestnut hair and dark eyes. She's wearing an oversized blue shirt with a white collar that makes her look like a maid (not sure how we're supposed to infer this is a hard-drinking slut from such prissy attire). No pose, arms at sides. Behind her, one of the twins stands with her hand on her chin, looking somewhere between thoughtful and murderous. The hair implies it's Liz, but the vicious look in her eye says Jessica. She's wearing an orange tank top.

Sweet Valley High #15: Promises

Posted on 16 January 202316 January 2023 by Wing

Wing recaps Sweet Valley High #15: Promises and hates every goddamn second of this hypocritical Jessica and death by cancer fucking book.

Sweet Valley High #7: Dear Sister

Posted on 31 October 20224 December 2022 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley High #7: Dear Sister, wherein Elizabeth is Jessica, Jessica is Elizabeth and the Wakefield parents are literally the worst parents in the world.

Sweet Valley High #2: Secrets

Posted on 12 September 202225 September 2022 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley High #2: Secrets in which Enid Rollins is the only decent human being

The Unicorn Club #23: Trapped in the Mall

Posted on 23 June 202223 June 2022 by Wing

Wing recaps The Unicorn Club #23: Trapped in the Mall and goes boom. Fuck Sweet Valley parents. Fuck the Unicorn Club. Mostly, fuck Kimberly Haver.

The Unicorn Club #21: Snow Bunnies

Posted on 23 May 202222 May 2022 by Dove

Dove recaps The Unicorn Club #21: Snow Bunnies, a book so infuriating that even a mountain loses patience it.

The Unicorn Club #18: Rachel’s In, Lila’s Out

Posted on 2 May 20228 May 2022 by Dove

Dove recaps The Unicorn Club #17: Rachel’s In, Lila’s Out and fixates on the one throwaway line that there are 75 rooms in Fowler Crest. That’s tells you all you need to know about how good the plot is.

The Unicorn Club #14: Lila on the Loose

Posted on 14 March 202214 March 2022 by Dove

Dove recaps The Unicorn Club #14: Lila on the Loose where Lila finally has had enough of her father’s lack of parenting and snaps. And it’s kind of glorious.

The Unicorn Club #12: Five Girls and a Baby

Posted on 20 December 202120 December 2021 by Dove

Title: Five Girls and a Baby Tagline: The baby-sitting job that won’t end Summary: When my friends in the Unicorn

The Unicorn Club #9: Ellen’s Family Secret

Posted on 22 November 202125 November 2021 by Dove

Dove recaps The Unicorn Club #9: Ellen’s Family Secret, wherein Ellen tries to Parent Trap her feuding parents without anyone finding out and asks probing questions such as: What Would Jessica Do? and Do the Fowlers’ servants ever get a day off?

The Unicorn Club #8: Kimberly Rides Again

Posted on 16 November 202116 November 2021 by Wing

Title: Kimberly Rides Again Tagline: The Unicorns hit the trail! Summary: Guess what? Just when the Unicorns were finally back

The Unicorn Club #4: Lila’s Little Sister

Posted on 12 October 202125 November 2021 by Raven

Raven recaps The Unicorn Club #4: Lila’s Little Sister, in which Lila Fowler’s life is upended by a four-year-old spawn of pure evil.

The Unicorn Club #2: Maria’s Movie Comeback

Posted on 21 September 202125 November 2021 by Wing

Wing recaps The Unicorn Club #2: Maria’s Move Comeback and actually there’s some amazing character work and friendships while Maria stresses the hell out in a super sympathetic way.

The Unicorn Club #1: Save the Unicorns!

Posted on 6 September 202125 November 2021 by Dove

Dove recaps Save the Unicorns! and cannot stop gushing about how bloody fantastic it is, we have daring flood rescues, fabulous parties and righteous demonstrations, not to mention great girl friendships!

Sweet Valley Twins #115: Happy Mother’s Day, Lila

Posted on 24 May 202124 May 2021 by Raven

Raven recaps Sweet Valley Twins #115: Happy Mother’s Day, Lila, in which Jessica does something UNFORGIVEABLE amidst the tears, tantrums and sass.

Sweet Valley Twins Super Edition #11: Jessica’s No Angel

Posted on 10 May 20215 September 2021 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins Super Edition #11: Jessica’s No Angel, wherein – for the second time ever – Elizabeth is the greatest character ever.

Sweet Valley Twins #113: The Boyfriend Game

Posted on 19 April 202119 April 2021 by Raven

Raven recaps Sweet Valley Twins #113: The Boyfriend Game, which pays homage to a legendary Eighties television gameshow, in a frankly incomprehensible way.

Sweet Valley Twins #112: If Looks Could Kill

Posted on 12 April 202112 April 2021 by Wing

Wing recaps Sweet Valley Twins 112 If Looks Could Kill and a boring set of love triangles becomes an entertaining KILL THEM ALL game. Metaphorically, alas.

Sweet Valley Twins #109: Don’t Go Into the Basement

Posted on 8 March 202114 March 2021 by Wing

Wing recaps Sweet Valley Twins #109: Don’t Go into the Basement and there’s some sleuthing afoot.

Sweet Valley Twins #107: The Twins Hit Hollywood

Posted on 8 February 202110 April 2021 by Wing

Wing recaps Sweet Valley Twins 107 The Twins Hit Hollywood and there’s a whole lot of shaking going on. And by shaking, she means pranking and boredom.

Sweet Valley Twins #106: Breakfast of Enemies

Posted on 25 January 202110 April 2021 by Raven

Raven recaps Sweet Valley Twins #106: Breakfast of Enemies, in which the sass is electric, the cereal is inedible, and Jessica needs to have a word with herself.