Character: Bruce Patman

A super-rich, super-cute boy who is a year older than the twins, but appears to have no friends his own age, so he hangs out with the sixth grade. Seems like the type who wears a banana-hammock.

Sweet Valley High #4: Power Play

Dove recaps Sweet Valley High #4: Power Play and goes BOOM every few paragraphs. Also Liz doesn’t understand sarcasm or metaphors. Seriously.

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Sweet Valley High #3: Playing With Fire

Wing recaps Sweet Valley High #3: Playing With Fire and three books in, she’s burning Sweet Valley to the ground.

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Sweet Valley High #2: Secrets

Dove recaps Sweet Valley High #2: Secrets in which Enid Rollins is the only decent human being

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Sweet Valley High #1: Double Love

Raven recaps Sweet Valley High #1: Double Love, the first book in the new series… and we’re not in Kansas anymore.

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Sweet Valley Twins #113: The Boyfriend Game

Raven recaps Sweet Valley Twins #113: The Boyfriend Game, which pays homage to a legendary Eighties television gameshow, in a frankly incomprehensible way.

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Sweet Valley Twins #106: Breakfast of Enemies

Raven recaps Sweet Valley Twins #106: Breakfast of Enemies, in which the sass is electric, the cereal is inedible, and Jessica needs to have a word with herself.

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Sweet Valley Twins Super Edition #7: Jessica’s Animal Instincts

Wing recaps Sweet Valley Twins Super Special #7: Jessica’s Animal Instincts and oh my god, the highs and lows. THE HIGHS AND LOWS. And adorable bear cub.

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Sweet Valley Twins #95: Battle of the Cheerleaders

Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins #95: Battle of the Cheerleaders, and accidentally enjoys it. Note: it’s not about cheerleading. It’s about basketball. And Dove doesn’t understand that at all.

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Sweet Valley Twins #93: The Incredible Madame Jessica

Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins #93: The Incredible Madame Jessica wherein Jessica AGAIN thinks she’s psychic, and this book just retreads the last psychic book. The Jamies are running on empty now, aren’t they?

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Sweet Valley Twins #91: Deadly Voyage

Raven recaps Sweet Valley Twins #91: Deadly Voyage, in which there’s genuine, terrifying, nail-biting peril. And the best line EVER from Tamara Chase.

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Sweet Valley Twins #86: It Can’t Happen Here

Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins #86: It Can’t Happen Here wherein Sweet Valley tackles the Holocaust and the dead rise from the grave. Not hyperbole. #DoveGoesBOOM!

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Sweet Valley Twins #85: Elizabeth the Seventh-Grader

Wing recaps Sweet Valley Twins #85: Elizabeth the Seventh-Grader, and Raven is right: Sweet Valley Middle School has the worst teachers in the world. BURN. IT. DOWN.

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Sweet Valley Twins Super Edition #5: Lila’s Secret Valentine

Raven recaps Sweet Valley Twins Super Edition #5: Lila’s Secret Valentine, in which Lila falls for a bit of rough, and Todd Wilkins is completely insufferable.

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Sweet Valley Twins #84: Romeo and Two Juliets

Wing recaps Sweet Valley Twins #84: Romeo and Two Juliets and it is filled with delightful Twin … what’s the opposite of Magic? That.

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Sweet Valley Twins Super Chiller #7: The Haunted Burial Ground

Wing recaps Sweet Valley Twins Super Chiller #7: The Haunted Burial Ground AND DEAR GOD THE CULTURAL APPROPRIATION BULLSHIT.

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Sweet Valley Twins 75: Jessica and the Earthquake

Sweet Valley Twins #75: Jessica and the Earthquake

Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins #75: Jessica and the Earthquake, which unfortunately does not have the same body count as the Sweet Valley High book called Earthquake.

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Sweet Valley Twins #68: The Middle School Gets Married by Jamie Suzanne

Sweet Valley Twins #68: The Middle School Gets Married

Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins #68: The Middle School Gets Married, wherein each twin gets paired with an even worse version of themself and wacky hi-jinks ensue with bonus baby (egg) death! #RIPStevenFidos #NeverForget

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