Character: Jessica Wakefield

Aspiring serial killer. Utterly selfish and ruthless, snobby and vapid.

Sweet Valley Middle School Yearbook Superlatives

Posted on 24 December 20183 January 2019 by Dove

Raven and Dove never did yearbooks. They never did superlatives. They felt like they missed out. Here are what they came up with…

Sweet Valley Twins #69: Won’t Someone Help Anna?

Posted on 17 December 201825 February 2021 by Raven

Raven recaps Sweet Valley Twins #69: Won’t Someone Help Anna? There’s a new girl in town, and she’s deaf. BURN HER! BURN THE WITCH!

Sweet Valley Twins #68: The Middle School Gets Married

Posted on 10 December 20185 February 2021 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins #68: The Middle School Gets Married, wherein each twin gets paired with an even worse version of themself and wacky hi-jinks ensue with bonus baby (egg) death! #RIPStevenFidos #NeverForget

Sweet Valley Twins #67: Jessica the Thief

Posted on 3 December 201825 February 2021 by Wing

Wing recaps Sweet Valley Twins #67: Jessica the Thief, and it’s fun enough for an overdone plot and subplot. Also: Jessica is a damn thief all the damn time. Except this time.

Sweet Valley Twins #66: The Great Boyfriend Switch

Posted on 20 November 201825 February 2021 by Raven

Raven recaps The Great Boyfriend Switch, and needs a spreadsheet to keep track on all the Twinny subterfuge.

Sweet Valley Twins #65: Patty’s Last Dance

Posted on 12 November 201825 February 2021 by Wing

Wing recaps Sweet Valley Twins #65: Patty’s Last Dance and the book dances its way into her heart.

Sweet Valley Twins Magna Edition #1: The Magic Christmas

Posted on 5 November 201825 November 2021 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins Magna Edition #1: The Magic Christmas wherein the emphasis is on the Magic rather than the Christmas, dolls can move, creatures die, and gosh, this summary sounds dark.

Sweet Valley Twins #64: The Charm School Mystery

Posted on 22 October 201825 February 2021 by Raven

Raven recaps Sweet Valley Twins #64: The Charm School Mystery, which abounds with mystery and a little schooling, but has infinite charm.

Sweet Valley Twins #63: Poor Lila!

Posted on 15 October 20184 September 2021 by Dove

Dove recaps the best book in the series, Sweet Valley Twins 63: Poor Lila!, wherein Lila is poor, the twins are nearly absent and EVERYONE is sassy.

Sweet Valley Twins 62: Sarah’s Dad and Sophia’s Mom by Jamie Suzanne

Sweet Valley Twins #62: Sarah’s Dad and Sophia’s Mum

Posted on 8 October 201813 December 2020 by Wing

Wing recaps Sweet Valley Twins #62: Sarah’s Dad and Sophia’s Mum and is both annoyed and bored. How? How is that even possible? All these great tropes and yet the story is terrible.

Sweet Valley Twins #61: Jessica the Nerd

Posted on 24 September 201821 February 2021 by Raven

Raven recaps Sweet Valley Twins #61: Jessica the Nerd, in which Jessica is forced to choose between Nerds and Unicorns, with surprising (and entertaining) results.

Sweet Valley Twins #60: Ciao, Sweet Valley!

Posted on 17 September 20186 February 2021 by Dove

Dove recaps the most offensive book in the series to date, Sweet Valley Twins #60: Ciao, Sweet Valley! wherein Jamie Suzanne wants us to really hate Italy. It’s ok though, we just hate the Jamie Suzanne instead.

Sweet Valley Twins Super Edition #4: The Ghost in the Bell Tower by Jamie Suzanne

Sweet Valley Twins Super Chiller #4: The Ghost in the Bell Tower

Posted on 10 September 201821 February 2021 by Wing

Wing recaps Sweet Valley Twins Super Chiller #4: The Ghost in the Bell Tower by Francine Pascal and it’s great, creepy fun … except the point is to make Elizabeth believe in ghosts AND SHE ALREADY SHOULD.

Sweet Valley Twins #59: Barnyard Battle

Posted on 27 August 201825 February 2021 by Raven

Raven recaps Barnyard Battle, in which Elizabeth nearly dies in a lightning storm and no one gives a tiny rat’s ass.

Sweet Valley Twins #58: Elizabeth and the Orphans

Posted on 20 August 201821 February 2021 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins #58: Elizabeth and the Orphans wherein Melissa and Andy McCormick lose their mother and it’s actually quite sad, and Elizabeth does very little, except show up every few pages to remind us that she exists.

Sweet Valley Twins #57: Big Brother’s in Love!

Posted on 13 August 201825 February 2021 by Wing

Wing recaps Sweet Valley Twins #57: Big Brother’s in Love! and we learn the truth about Pea Pong. PEA PONG.

Sweet Valley Twins #56: The Wakefields Strike It Rich

Posted on 30 July 201813 June 2021 by Raven

Raven recaps Sweet Valley Twins #56: The Wakefields Strike It Rich, in which Great Aunt Helen gives the Wakefield Siblings a large cash payout, and a reason for them to murder her for a sizeable inheritance.

Sweet Valley Twins #55: Brooke and her Rock-Star Mom

Posted on 23 July 201818 March 2020 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins #55: Brooke and her Rock-Star Mom wherein Coco, the newest hottest star, is a genuinely awful parent, allows her employee to abuse her daughter, and actively teaches her daughter to keep secrets from her father.

Sweet Valley Twins Super Edition #4: The Unicorns Go Hawaiian

Posted on 16 July 201821 February 2021 by Wing

Wing recaps Sweet Valley Twins Super Edition #4: The Unicorns Go Hawaiian, and she braces herself for some horrible stereotypes and cultural appropriation. Did she go boom? Read to find out.

Sweet Valley Twins #54: The Big Party Weekend

Posted on 2 July 20189 February 2019 by Raven

Raven recaps Sweet Valley Twins #54: The Big Party Weekend, wherein the Wakefield siblings hold a super-cool party while their parents are off their boxes on disco biscuits.