Character: Elizabeth Wakefield

Most perfect human being on the planet. How would life go on without her?

Sweet Valley High #29: Bitter Rivals

Posted on 27 June 202327 June 2023 by Raven

Raven recaps Sweet Valley High #29: Bitter Rivals, in which Elizabeth is trapped in a face-off with her friendship as the prize! And a rosette too, probably.

Sweet Valley High #28: Alone in the Crowd

Posted on 19 June 202319 June 2023 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley High #28: Alone in the Crowd, wherein Lynne Henry wallows in self-loathing, writes a song, and falls in love. Also, there’s rocking chairs. [Note: Also, some of Dove’s ebook is missing, apparently.]

Sweet Valley High Super Edition #3: Spring Break

Posted on 5 June 20235 June 2023 by Wing

Wing recaps Sweet Valley High Super Edition #3: Spring Break, and the Wakefield twins head off on their very first trip to France, a trip of a lifetime, one that HAS ALREADY HAPPENED IN TWINS. Twin magic, Liz has no spine, mighty storms, and a Steven love triangle. Oh boy.

Sweet Valley High #27: Lovestruck

Posted on 29 May 202329 May 2023 by Raven

Raven recaps Sweet Valley High #27: Lovestruck, in which Ken Matthews can pass a football but can’t pass an English class.

Sweet Valley High #26: Hostage!

Posted on 15 May 202321 May 2023 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley High #26: Hostage!, which features hostages, daring rescues, useless police, and… random shit about Ken Matthews failing English.

Sweet Valley High #25: Nowhere to Run

Posted on 1 May 20231 May 2023 by Wing

Wing recaps Sweet Valley High #25: Nowhere to Run and what looks like a simple evil stepmother story ends with Wing BURNING EVERYTHING TO THE GROUND.

Sweet Valley High Super Edition #2: Special Christmas

Posted on 24 April 202325 April 2023 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley High Super Editions #2: Special Christmas wherein the specialness is ranked by how many whispered conversations the Wakefields can have about Suzanne Devlin.

Sweet Valley High #24: Memories

Posted on 17 April 202317 April 2023 by Raven

Raven recaps Sweet Valley High #24, in which Steven Wakefield grapples with love, grief, and loss, all of which are better than grappling with a bloody lawnmower.

Sweet Valley High #23: Say Goodbye

Posted on 3 April 20233 April 2023 by Wing

Wing recaps Sweet Valley High 23: Say Goodbye and oh, it would help if she gave one flying fuck about Todd and Liz’s relationship, but since she doesn’t, be prepared for some nitpicking when cars and names change within a few pages.

Sweet Valley High Super Edition #1: Perfect Summer

Posted on 20 March 202320 March 2023 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley High Super Edition #1: Perfect Summer, where most of the action is off screen but it makes up for it with 240 pages of dish washing.

Sweet Valley High #21: Runaway

Posted on 6 March 20236 March 2023 by Wing

Wing recaps Sweet Valley High #21: Runaway, and it was going so well! Jessica’s depression worked! And then that rushed, Thank God For Liz ending ruined it.

Sweet Valley High #20: Crash Landing!

Posted on 27 February 202327 February 2023 by Raven

Raven recaps Sweet Valley High #20: Crash Landing! In which not even a titular exclamation point can muster up a flicker of interest.

Sweet Valley High #19: Showdown

Posted on 20 February 202320 February 2023 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley High #19: Showdown the age-old story of two girls fighting over a boy. Who tries to kill one of them.

Sweet Valley High #18: Head Over Heels

Posted on 6 February 20236 February 2023 by Wing

Wing recaps Sweet Valley High #18: Head Over Heels and would have found it charming and silly had the romantic hero not been BRUCE FUCKING PATMAN, abusive rapist.

Sweet Valley High #17: Love Letters

Posted on 30 January 202330 January 2023 by Raven

Raven recaps Sweet Valley High #17: Love Letters, in which Caroline Pearce invents a boyfriend, who is more well rounded than most of her classmates.

Sweet Valley High #16: Rags to Riches

Posted on 23 January 202323 January 2023 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley High #16: Rags to Riches, wherein a cute boy becomes rich, and Jessica suddenly wants to date him. And it’s actually better than it sounds.

The cover is blueish grey with orange text - a particularly horrible combination and the text is harder to read because each colour is very muted, so they don't pop against each other. Standard porthole cover, with Trisha Martin standing in the foreground visible from the ribs up, she has short chestnut hair and dark eyes. She's wearing an oversized blue shirt with a white collar that makes her look like a maid (not sure how we're supposed to infer this is a hard-drinking slut from such prissy attire). No pose, arms at sides. Behind her, one of the twins stands with her hand on her chin, looking somewhere between thoughtful and murderous. The hair implies it's Liz, but the vicious look in her eye says Jessica. She's wearing an orange tank top.

Sweet Valley High #15: Promises

Posted on 16 January 202316 January 2023 by Wing

Wing recaps Sweet Valley High #15: Promises and hates every goddamn second of this hypocritical Jessica and death by cancer fucking book.

Sweet Valley High #14: Deceptions

Posted on 9 January 20239 January 2023 by Raven

Raven recaps Sweet Valley High #14: Deceptions, in which Elizabeth is pressured into dating a creature from beyond the mortal veil.

Sweet Valley High #13: Kidnapped!

Posted on 2 January 20238 January 2023 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley High #13: Kidnapped!, a misleading book because 71% of the book is not about a kidnapping. It’s about the value of homework. FFS.

Sweet Valley High #12: When Love Dies

Posted on 12 December 202212 December 2022 by Wing

Wing recaps Sweet Valley Twins #12: When Love Dies, and it’s probably a mistake to spend so much time talking about a character dying from cancer. Ah well.