Character: Janet Howell

President of the Unicorn Club and Lila’s cousin. Kind of a moron and a dickhead. Possibly the only girl in seventh grade. Apparently very popular, despite the fact that nobody likes her. It’s a conundrum.

Sweet Valley Twins #84: Romeo and Two Juliets

Posted on 17 February 202025 February 2021 by Wing

Wing recaps Sweet Valley Twins #84: Romeo and Two Juliets and it is filled with delightful Twin … what’s the opposite of Magic? That.

Sweet Valley Twins Super Chiller #7: The Haunted Burial Ground

Posted on 20 January 202025 February 2021 by Wing

Wing recaps Sweet Valley Twins Super Chiller #7: The Haunted Burial Ground AND DEAR GOD THE CULTURAL APPROPRIATION BULLSHIT.

Sweet Valley Twins #82: Steven’s Enemy

Posted on 13 January 202018 January 2020 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins #82: Steven’s Enemy in which she finds new levels of burning hatred for Steven Wakefield

Sweet Valley Twins #80: The Gossip War

Posted on 1 July 201925 February 2021 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins #80: The Gossip War, wherein middle school is exactly like the Cold War, Ellen’s dad wears a funny hat, and Johnny Buck again fails to move to Sweet Valley

Sweet Valley Twins Super Chiller #6: The Curse of the Golden Heart

Posted on 24 June 20196 November 2019 by Wing

Wing recaps Sweet Valley Twins Super Chiller: The Curse of the Golden Heart. There are far too many dreams and far too little cursing.

Sweet Valley Twins #78: Steven the Zombie

Posted on 1 April 201925 February 2021 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins #78: Steven the Zombie, which is offensive to voodoo practitioners, the disabled, Harriet Tubman and Sojourner Truth specifically, and is literally the worst Sweet Valley book Dove has ever read. That includes ithig.

Sweet Valley Twins #76: Yours for a Day

Posted on 13 March 201913 March 2019 by Wing

Wing recaps Sweet Valley Twins #76: Yours for a Day, and is way too charmed by a made-up holiday focused on pink romance.

Sweet Valley Twins #75: Jessica and the Earthquake

Posted on 4 March 201919 June 2021 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins #75: Jessica and the Earthquake, which unfortunately does not have the same body count as the Sweet Valley High book called Earthquake.

Sweet Valley Twins #74: Elizabeth the Hero

Posted on 11 February 201913 December 2020 by Raven

Raven recaps sweet Valley Twins #74: Elizabeth the Hero, in which Elizabeth saves Denny Jacobson’s life over and over again, yet no one thinks to stab Steven in the face.

Sweet Valley Twins #73: Lila’s Music Video

Posted on 4 February 201925 February 2021 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins #73: Lila’s Music Video wherein Lila eats off-brand ice cream and learns the value of friendship (again)

Sweet Valley Twins #71: Jessica Saves the Trees

Posted on 14 January 201925 February 2021 by Dove

Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins #71: Jessica Saves the Trees wherein #BestJess attempts to save the trees, Elizabeth is genuinely useless, facts are a last resort.

Sweet Valley Twins #70: Psychic Sisters

Posted on 7 January 20197 January 2019 by Raven

Raven recaps Sweet Valley Twins #70: Psychic Sisters. If the twins COULD read minds, Steven would be in jail.

Sweet Valley Twins Super Edition #5: The Curse of the Ruby Necklace by Jamie Suzanne

Sweet Valley Twins Super Chiller #5: The Curse of the Ruby Necklace

Posted on 1 January 201921 February 2021 by Wing

Wing recaps Sweet Valley Twins Super Chiller #5: The Curse of the Ruby Necklace and it has everything wonderful! Vengeful ghosts! Murder mysteries! #bestjess everywhere!

Sweet Valley Middle School Yearbook Superlatives

Posted on 24 December 20183 January 2019 by Dove

Raven and Dove never did yearbooks. They never did superlatives. They felt like they missed out. Here are what they came up with…

Sweet Valley Twins #67: Jessica the Thief

Posted on 3 December 201825 February 2021 by Wing

Wing recaps Sweet Valley Twins #67: Jessica the Thief, and it’s fun enough for an overdone plot and subplot. Also: Jessica is a damn thief all the damn time. Except this time.

Sweet Valley Twins #65: Patty’s Last Dance

Posted on 12 November 201825 February 2021 by Wing

Wing recaps Sweet Valley Twins #65: Patty’s Last Dance and the book dances its way into her heart.

Sweet Valley Twins #64: The Charm School Mystery

Posted on 22 October 201825 February 2021 by Raven

Raven recaps Sweet Valley Twins #64: The Charm School Mystery, which abounds with mystery and a little schooling, but has infinite charm.

Sweet Valley Twins #63: Poor Lila!

Posted on 15 October 20184 September 2021 by Dove

Dove recaps the best book in the series, Sweet Valley Twins 63: Poor Lila!, wherein Lila is poor, the twins are nearly absent and EVERYONE is sassy.

Sweet Valley Twins 62: Sarah’s Dad and Sophia’s Mom by Jamie Suzanne

Sweet Valley Twins #62: Sarah’s Dad and Sophia’s Mum

Posted on 8 October 201813 December 2020 by Wing

Wing recaps Sweet Valley Twins #62: Sarah’s Dad and Sophia’s Mum and is both annoyed and bored. How? How is that even possible? All these great tropes and yet the story is terrible.

Sweet Valley Twins #61: Jessica the Nerd

Posted on 24 September 201821 February 2021 by Raven

Raven recaps Sweet Valley Twins #61: Jessica the Nerd, in which Jessica is forced to choose between Nerds and Unicorns, with surprising (and entertaining) results.