Title: Heart Breaker

Tagline: Will Jessica break Bill’s heart, too?

Summary: The surf’s up in Sweet Valley, and gorgeous Jessica Wakefield is making a big splash with Bill Chase, the hottest surfer in town. But after she tricks him into falling madly in love with her, she ignores him completely.

To complicate matters, shy, quiet DeeDee Gordon is also after Bill. But Jessica has the upper hand. If Bill even looks at DeeDee, Hurricane Jessica blows him off his board and back into her arms. Can Bill escape Jessica’s undertow, or is he in over his head?

Initial Thoughts:

…

…

…

Is this a kissing book?

(Also… Johnny Lawrence! Sweep the leg!)

[Dove: Yep. Can’t get past Johnny Lawrence on the cover.]

[Wing: Dear readers, two people I love have just moved to palliative care, and I am filled with strong, painful emotions. Third time this year, the first when dad did and then promptly died. To be blunt: There was no possible was I was going to enjoy this book at the best of times, and I’m starting out from WING GOES BOOM levels of rage and heartache. Fuck you, Pascal. Fuck you, you fucking fuck. How fucking dare you pretend for one fucking second that this has anything like “girl power” or “girls [driving] the action” or “the most incredible twins,” all fucking quotes from the letter that opens the ebook reprints of this bullshit. Fuck. You. Pascal. Fuck you and the damaging bullshit you claim is feminism.]

Recap:

She was, as usual, breathtaking.

This is said, of Jessica, as she breezes past Bill and DeeDee as they chat in the high school drama studio.

While it might seem odd to start a recap with a quote from Chapter Nine, I feel the line is something worth mentioning immediately. Because I will be using it a great deal in this recap.

First, I trust you’ll agree that the line is ridiculous at its core. If someone or something was “usually breathtaking”, I’m pretty sure your view and your lungs would modulate toward safety pretty damn sharpish. The power to have your breath taken away is scant, a complete anathema to the mundanity of “usual things”. It’s like saying something is “uniformly unique”.

The line’s inherent awfulness notwithstanding, my real issue with it is the fact that it’s a canary down the coal-mine. In the Twins series, we often had the girls described as pretty, and there were a few razor’s-edge flirtations with the inappropriate, but the High series (thus far) is full bore sexy times. Literally EVERY SINGLE descriptor of Elizabeth or (especially) Jessica is housed in a sleazy murkiness of lust, and it’s getting tiresome. It’s all sensual curves and delicious skin and nibbleable lips and whatnot, and while I get the young audience of the books would be likely exploring their relationship to such things, it’s boring to have it front and centre every damn minute.

Plus, the Twins-Twins were pretty girls. The High-Twins are absolute goddesses, literally flawless specimens of blossoming womanhood, the Acme of Evolution made real. If that’s the case, and it certainly is the case in this book, I doubt much of the readership managed to see themselves in the shoes of the titular heroines. [Dove: Especially since Jessica spends so much time insulting people’s appearance, their weight, height, skin, clothes, whatever. Basically, they’re not even aspirational, they’re over-privileged assholes.]

Anyway.

She was, as usual, breathtaking.

Chapter One… let’s fucking goooo!

The book starts with Jessica purring in Bill Chase’s ear. She wants him to kiss her, again, and perhaps get it right this time.

Bill Chase, the recently-crowned surfing champ, is flustered. As for Jessica, she is, as usual, breathtaking. But there’s a twist, see. This isn’t the intimate workings of a lover’s tryst. This is a love scene from the upcoming school play Splendor in the Grass, in which Jessica and Bill play the lead characters and teen lovers.

…

Aside:

So, I was going to make fun of the name of this obviously fictitious play, but it turns out, it’s actually a thing. So much so that the film starred Natalie Wood and Warren Beattie (in his debut role), likely as the parts played by Jess and Bill, and it won the Best Original Screenplay Oscar in 1961.

Every day’s a school day, folks!

End aside.

…

Jess is enjoying tormenting poor Bill, who’s had a debilitating crush on her for an absolute age. And why shouldn’t he? After all, she is, as usual, breathtaking. She’s forced rerun after rerun of the kisdsing scene, just to make him squirm.

Eventually, the drama coach Mr Jaworski calls a halt to proceedings. Same time tomorrow folks, mmkay?

Jess makes light of Bill’s kissing reticence, to which Bill responds awkwardly that he likes kissing his co-star. We then learn that Jessica’s playful maltreatment of the play’s leading man stems from him turning down her invitation to something called a Sadie Hawkins dance a while ago. And while I did infer the definition of a Sadie Hawkins dance from the context, for those who don’t know, it’s a dance party to which the women invite the men. I guess that’s known as just a “dance party” in these hopefully more enlightened times? [Wing: This school schedule would make that a big ol’ nope.]

In the last book, when Elizabeth took a bump to the bonce and started flirting with everyone, Bill Chase set up a date with her after telling the now-out-of-the-picture Todd that he’d always fancied Liz. But now he’s down as always fancying Jess? I smell a continuity glitch, although I’m fine to be disabused of that notion by superior logic. Am I missing something here? [Dove: My take was that Bill is really thick and has no clue what love is, because his reasons for “loving” ElizaJess were because she felt really good in his arms. That’s just lust, you idiot. I’m aware this book actually expands on why he jumped to this frankly ludicrous conclusion.]

After the rehearsal, Elizabeth tells her Flirty Gertie of a sister that her torment of Bill was cruel and peculiar. Jess tells Liz to wind her tits in. It’s all done in fun, which is something Elizabeth knows nothing about. Jessica references the previous book, in which she “dated” Bill in order to save Liz’s blushes after she’d double-booked a date with both Bill and Bruce Patman.

[Wing: Multiple times in this book, Liz doesn’t understand how she ends up comforting Jess, or feeling guilty about something she’s done because of Jess, or some other rapid turn from the actual situation. SOMEHOW, Liz, your sister fucking sucks, you know it, and yet you won’t do a goddamn thing about it, including admitting it even to yourself.]

The girls agree that Bruce is a complete asshat, but Bill is actually decent and cool. Jess’s inner monologue informs us that she’s rather enjoying the attention from Bill, this interesting surfer-boy loner that nobody really knows. Apart from Todd, apparently, as they seemed decent friends in the past few books. It appears that Bill’s infatuation with Jessica is rather endearing, but also a little “Hollywood creepy”, in that it takes the form of lingering gazes and moonstruck expressions, with no actual clue on what to do or how to handle any situation.

I mean, I get it, I suppose. I was a sixteen-year old too, a long time ago, full of hormones and infatuation and bad bad poetry. When you’re that young, with so few responsibilities, living in a bubble of insular selfishness in which your desires are THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE UNIVERSE, unrequited passion is paralyzing. With age comes perspective, of course. The feelings are still there, but you’re aware that you still need to go do the Big Shop.

Elizabeth warns Jessica that she needs to go easy on Bill, lest she break his tiny surfing heart. Jess says she’s do her best not to damage the boy, but she can’t promise anything as she is, as usual, breathtaking.

Talk turns to Todd, who Elizabeth is meeting at their current location. Soon after, he turns up… accompanied by an absolute bombshell.

Standing beside Todd was one of the most beautiful girls Elizabeth had ever seen—and he had his arms around her!

Turns out this new girl is Patsy Webber, an old friend of Todd that’s newly returned from Paris with her relocating-for-work father. Elizabeth is immediately on high alert.

Here’s Patsy, according to the Ghostie.

“Nice to meet you, Liz.”

Patsy smiled, revealing glorious white teeth and a charming dimple in her heart-shaped chin. She could be a model! Elizabeth couldn’t help thinking. Patsy looked too sophisticated to be in high school. She was wearing a straw-slim skirt belted with a wide leather sash around her tiny waist, and delicate high heels. Her coppery-red hair was cut fashionably short in back, with a tumble of curls that dipped over her forehead. A pair of slanted green eyes regarded Elizabeth with friendly interest.

She sounds pretty sweet, in an Eighties way. Naturally, Elizabeth tries to think no ill of this interloper, inwardly declaring that she’s stupid to be jealous. However, she can’t help but notice that Patsy stares at Todd with something a little more than friendliness when she announces that she’s happy to be back in the bosom of her old acquaintances.

Frankly, Elizabeth may have a point. Todd confesses immediately that both he and Patsy used to be an item.

Todd cleared his throat and looked away. “Actually, Liz, I used to go out with Patsy. But that was way before I met you, so don’t worry. We’re just friends now.”

I’m sure that the Sweet Valley series is sweetness and light, and that Todd will in no way do anything with Patsy to endanger his relationship with Liz. All I’m saying is if this were Gossip Girl, Todd would be balls deep with Patsy faster than you can say Chuck Bass. [Dove: Just realised that Bruce Patman is a poor man’s Chuck Bass. Both are wealthy, entitled asshats with no respect for a girl saying no. Yet one gets away with it by uttering the catchphrase, “I’m Chuck Bass.” And somehow it works. It’s a weird show.]

While Elizabeth reflects that she should park her apprehensions and give Todd the benefit of the doubt, we skip to another wrinkle in the sexual fabric of the school… DeeDee Gordon.

DeeDee is a round-faced athlete that’s obviously in love with Bill. Today, she will be playing the third wheel in the Bill-Jessica-DeeDee Love-Tricycle, until the inevitable point at which Bill will start seeing her for “who she really is” or some other obvious bullshit, at which point his lust for Jessica will be relegated from the Premier League all-encompassing desire that it currently is, to a Conference Division forlorn withdrawal from a well-stocked Wank Bank once every couple of months.

The group walk down the corridor together, with DeeDee bigging up Bill’s performance in the play while Todd tells his friend that he shouldn’t let Jessica’s flirty teasing get to him. Bill is worried that he’s not good enough. Whether that’s good enough for the play or good enough for Jessica is unsaid, but DeeDee is clear that he’s more than good enough for the play, and (again unsaid) for her. DeeDee’s father is a Hollywood casting agent, so DeeDee knows talent when she sees it.

Then, something weird happens. The group see Jessica, arm in arm with her current beau Tom McKay. She is, as usual, brathtaking.

Why is this weird? Because as far as we the readers knew, Jessica was still in this fucking group. She was last heard of pointing out Todd’s arrival to her sister, but she never explicitly left. [Dove: Also, from a Twins reader’s point of view: she’s arm in arm with the temporarily sexist beau of Belinda “Billie” Layton.]

Bad form, Ghostie. Keep track of your characters.

(And again, I’m more than happy to be corrected if I’ve missed something here.)

Jessica spots Bill. She blows him a kiss and gives him a cheeky wink. Suddenly, he’s blushing and tongue-tied and completely useless once more.

SO!

Let’s recap the important plot points:

• Bill loves Jessica. Jessica likes tormenting Bill because of this.
• Elizabeth loves Todd. Todd’s “new friend” Patsy is a fucking stunner.
• DeeDee loves Bill. Bill doesn’t give two shits.

I think that’s everything.

Chapter Two… let’s fucking goooo!

We start with Jessica trying to excuse herself from dishwashing duties. She is, as usual, breathtaking.

I guess by Book Eight of the series this regular shirking of responsibility still needed bedding in. For those of us with the Twins series behind us, it’s nothing new. Elizabeth offers to help, which I guess is a straight-up improvement from just folding like 7-2 offsuit. Jessica is all grateful and shit, it means she can get to her date at 7:30. Then again, if the Ghostie acts up like they did in the previous scene, there’s no reason Jess can’t go to her date while simultaneously doing the dishes at home.

For some reason, with the Elder Wakefileds presumably in another room, the twins get into a soap suds war. Jessica “wins” this war by drenching both her sister and the floor, before suggesting that they get Bill to clean it up. Because that’s where this book is going, I suppose: Jessica just using Bill’s affection to get out of doing stuff.

Yup, been there. More than once. It sucks. Poor Bill.

Elizabeth suggests that Jessica doesn’t do that, in in fact that Jess should give the poor sap a break. Jessica suggests it’s not her issue, that she’s not forcing Bill to act like a lovesick puppy, and that it’s fair payback for him turning her down when she asked him to the Sadie Hawkins dance. [Dove: Jessica, the first incel. Not like the innocent first wave, when it was just women who wanted to date but couldn’t find a person. I mean the first asshole who started blaming everyone else because nobody likes their shitty personality and toxic behaviour.]

Elizabeth then suggests that Bill might not be Jessica’s problem for much longer…

Jessica frowned. “What are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about DeeDee Gordon.” Elizabeth went back to scrubbing the broiler pan. “Looks like she’s got her eye on Bill.”

“That little nobody?” Jessica sneered.

Sigh.

There’s the Jessica we all hate.

When Jess hears that Bill has offered DeeDee some one-on-one surf coaching, she’s absolutely livid. She then “remembers” she has to call him, as she forgot her play script and he needs to fetch his to replace it. Predictably, she uses this excuse to avoid mopping up the soapy wetness. Elizabeth doesn’t like it, but she has to go along with it.

To be fair, Liz should be great at mopping up water, because she’s an actual sponge.

Later that evening, Elizabeth is doing homework. Her sister is out on her date, and the doorbell rings. It’s Bill. He’s brought Jessica his copy of the play, and has the futile hope that they can run lines together.

Instead of calling her sister out on this petty and manipulative bullshittery, she covers for her in a spineless fashion. Jessica is not out with another boy. Jessica has not called Bill there to be a weapons-grate shithouse. No, “something came up at the last minute and she couldn’t wait.” Way to go, girl. You’re an enabler, and you live in a pineapple under the sea.

Bill is sadness personified. In a charitable moment, Elizabeth offers to fetch him a drink so he can collect his thoughts.

Then we have… THIS bullshit.

She ducked into the kitchen, returning a minute later with two lukewarm cans of root beer. It had been Jessica’s turn to put away the groceries last time, and she’d stuck the soft drinks into a cupboard instead of the refrigerator.

Okay.

Jessica has committed a lot of terrible acts in these books. She’s abandoned dogs, ran away from home, betrayed friends, split up couples, and caused a slew of appalling mayhem.

But THIS?!

And ABSOLUTE crime.

…

Aside:

Cold soda is life. With the emphasis on the “cold”.

I view “cold” as an element of taste. As in, when given the choice between my tenth-favourite soda that’s chilled or my top-ranked soda at room temperature, I’d take the cold can every day of the week and twice on Sunday. I may even pick a chilled soda I actively dislike over a lukewarm can of Coke Zero.

So “forgetting” to put the cans in the fridge? UNFORGIVABLE.

Oh, and to those who are thinking “blah blah blah why don’t you just add ice blah blah”… why don’t you FUCK RIGHT OFF INTO SPACE. It’s not the same, and you know it.

Fucking ICE? Jesus…

[Wing: I love ice. I want my drinks just this side of frozen, and I will put ice in everything, including fountain soda. I am currently drinking a glass of water that is 90% ice. However, Raven is right: adding ice to a warm can/bottle of soda is not the same thing at all, it is bullshit, and Elizabeth can fuck off into the sea for trying to serve this.

Also: root beer? Disgusting.]

End aside.

…

Bill doesn’t mention the non-chilled drink, which shows a restraint I doubt I could’ve mustered in the same circumstances. He soon realises that Jessica is likely out on a date with a hot boy.

Elizabeth then decides to meddle. As is the Wakefiled Way. She tells Bill that she doubts that her sister is right for him.

Cue awkward conversation in which Bill asks for clarification.

Again, Elizabeth couches the bitterest of pills – she’s just not that into you – with the most florid of sugary phrases – she’s impossible to pin down, no one can keep up with her, and so on. Rather than taking this as a portent, Bill decides to take it as a dose of reality. If he has to wait in line for Jessica’s affection, so be it. [Dove: The sheer spinelessness in this room is breathtaking. It’s a room full of jellyfish. Liz, admit your sister is a nightmare. Bill, give up. She doesn’t want you. And two seconds ago, you thought you were in love with Liz. You are broken. Fix yourself, learn what love is, then try dating.]

He leaves, but not before Elizabeth admonishes him for visiting the Compound before finishing his homework. Top notch there, Liz, you fucking scampi.

With Bill gone, Elizabeth decides to call Todd, to chew the fat about his lovelorn friend. Predictably, Todd’s mother informs her that Todd is not at home. He is, in fact, out of the house, doing lord-knows-what with lord-knows-who. Elizabeth’s mind immediately jumps to Patsy Webber.

After a slight blip in focus where she descends into a jealous snit, Liz pulls herself together. Todd could be with any one of a myriad of friends. There’s nothing to worry about.

Or is there…?

And… scene!

Chapter Three… let’s fucking goooo!

[Wing: Okay, this music video cheered me up quite a bit. I’ve heard the song before, and loved it, but the video is new to me. Delightful.]

This chapter is an odd one. I’m not saying it’s bad… it’s just unexpected.

Because this chapter is a flashback, from the POV of Bill Chase.

In it, we learn the pitiable reasoning behind the whole Jessica debacle. And we discover a lot of very upsetting events that occurred in Bill’s past, events that shaped his character and make him more sympathetic to the reader.

We start at the beach, where Bill has decamped after leaving the Wakefield Compound. Alone with his thoughts, he muses over the Jessica situation. Soon, his mind wanders to his X Factor Backstory, full of sobs and sadness.

The sadness centres around a previous girlfriend, from his Freshman year in a school far away from Sweet Valley.

Julianne.

They sat together in Math Class, but hardly spoke. He was smitten with her beauty, with her “long blond hair that seemed to dance with sparks of light,” and her blue eyes “so deep they were almost purple.” But they had nothing in common, or so he thought…

… until one day, they had a genuine meet-cute in the surf of the Californian sea.

Once they realised they had common interests – and common attractions – they got together like gangbusters. Boyfriend and girlfriend, inseparable, soulmates, destined for a long life together.

(Can you guess where this is going?)

Until, one fateful day, at a party held by that FUCKING BITCH Sue Cuthbertson, when the world turned black and nothing would ever be the same again.

After an argument in which Bill accused Julianne of flirting with Eddie Roth (I mean, who wouldn’t? Eddie’s dreamy!), Julianne decided to make an early exit, by herself, bagging a ride with a friend rather than leaving with Bill.

On the way home? She died. Of course. Slick curve, embankment, crash.

On learning this, Bill collapsed, along all metrics. Blaming himself, he actually and literally got into the fucking sea. Hoping the tide would take him to his death, he was rescued by the coastguard. Then he caught pneumonia.

Throughout his recovery, he blamed himself for Julianne’s death.

After a while, his fugue lifted. He still had dark days, but he realised that Julanne would not have wanted him to crumble so convincingly. His family moved to Sweet Valley, and he began picking up the pieces. When he set eyes on the Wakefield Twins, he was astounded at their similarity to Julianne. And that was the reason he turned Jessica down for the Sadie Hawkins dance… his memories of Julianne wouldn’t let him say yes.

Slowly, Bill emerges from his nostalgic reverie. Nowadays, he realises that he does want to be with Jessica, and he wishes that she still felt for him what she did, many moons ago, when she asked him for a date. But no. it’s too late, and all has turned to shit.

He trudges back to his car, convinced that he is destined to be forever doomed in matters of the heart.

…

Aside:

What a rollercoaster of a chapter!

I liked that it was full bore, no punches pulled. Julianne’s death was not something that would have occurred in Twins, that’s for sure.

There were a few mis-steps, though, I think. Tying the whole thing back to Bill’s refusal to Jessica’s invitation was a bit weak, for example. Not everything needs tying up in a fucking bow. And did I spot a tiny handwave explanation of the last book’s Elizabeth-Bill date thing? No? Perhaps I’m, projecting.

Decent chapter, which I assume is a classic of the series.

End aside.

…

Chapter Four… let’s fucking goooo!

Next, we’re at the beach. Elizabeth is here. Todd is here. Cara is here. Jessica is here. She is, as usual, breathtaking.

Also here? Bill and DeeDee. Except they are NOT at the beach (Schrodinger’s Teens!). They are in the sea. Surfin, lessons to be exact. And the onlooking girls have to admit that DeeDee is pretty good, for a beginner.

This, of course, grinds Jessica’s gears. She learns that DeeDee has been taking daily lessons with Bill, after school, and decides that Something Mus Be Done. Bill must remain in love with her, goddamnit! How dare he even consider anyone else?

This is top toxic Jessica. It also confirms the nonsense notion that yes, this is what all girls are like, to any pre-incel adolescent boys that may be reading. [Dove: Every time a dude on Quora explains women to me, they seem to pull from the Jessica playbook. It’s awful that she’s such an iconic character and she’s so awful. This isn’t fun. It’s cruel. And worse, it’s boring cruelty.] [Raven: Agreed.]

Suddenly, she has a plan.

Abruptly she stood up, yanking off the sun visor she wore. She shook her hair so that it tumbled over her shoulders. “I think I’ll go swimming,” she announced.

It’s time to get in the water and disrupt any burgeoning sparks that may fly between DeeDee and the hapless Bill. Operation Cock Block is live!

…

Aside:

Although I guess it’s not strictly Cock Blocking if Jessica is trying to stop DeeDee from getting’ some…?

What’s the female version of Cock Blocking?

(Google tells me it’s Clam Jamming.) [Wing: Google can fuck right off. Cunt Punt or bust.]

End aside.

…

We quick-snap to the sea, with Jessica looming up on Bill and DeeDee like a pubescent Jaws. She is, as usual, breathtaking. She quickly establishes her dominance over all present by shamelessly flirting with Bill by way of interjecting herself into their narrative. DeeDee is having a lesson? Jessica would like lessons too.

Bill, who was likely an erudite and pertspicacious tutor to DeeDee alone, becomes a bumbling halfwit when pinned by the laser-sight of Jessica’s approbation. He does his utmost to welcome Jessica, fawning over her and denying that she’s being a hideously inappropriate interloper.

DeeDee is left to watch, powerless, as Jessica’s kryptonite saps all of her Bill’s strength. Eventually, with the conversation becoming all Jess and Bill all the time, she makes like a banana and splits. Not before Jessica asks her – brazenly – if she can leave her board behind so Bill can give Jess some surf pointers.

I mean, brass balls on this bitch?!

Later, we snap-cup back to the beach, where Bill is rubbing suntan lotion onto Jessica’s triumphant back. With his hands. Not his penis. And it’s definitely suntan lotion.

Elizabeth looks on in disgust, but Jessica is as smug as fuck. She’s cemented control of her adoring slave, and DeeDee (sat at a distance, with friends, folorn) can go fuck herself.

Todd has the unmitigated gall to put words to Elizabeth’s thoughts, and Liz is not happy. How DARE Todd say exactly what she was thinking?! Doesn’t she know that only ELIZABTEH can comment on her sister’s awful shit?

Honestly, I think Elizabeth’s insistence that Jessica is NOT TO BE DISCUSSED is the bit I hate most in this series thus far. [Dove: Particularly when Todd is the most wronged party by Jessica to date. Although as I say that, I also remember Robin, who got an eating disorder from her time with Jess… ok, let’s just say that Todd’s in the Top 3 Most Wronged By Jessica (to date). Oh boo hoo, Liz, you have to do her chores, well Robin and Todd nearly had their lives destroyed by her – for doing absolutely nothing wrong. So actually, they can say whatever they damned well like. And what’s really annoying is that Todd and Jessica bonded in the last book, so if there was any continuity, maybe Todd could have softened to her, and she him, because they can at least agree they both care for Liz. But no. So fuck that. Back to vengence.]

Randomly, Tom McKay and friends are spotted, approaching the cluster of kids. Jessica quickly extricates herself from Bill’s lotionned clutches. She then tells Bill that she’s famished, who dutifully despaches himself to the Dairi Burger to fetch her a platter of comestibles.

Elizabeth orders a root beer. Not without guilt, but still. SHAMELESS. [Wing: I BET THIS ONE IS COLD, ELIZABETH.]

Tom arrives, with Lila, Ken… and Patsy Webber. The Parisian Piece is wearing naught but an itsy-bitsy teeny-weeny tiny dental-floss bikini. Elizabeth is riveted.

Erm,… Liz, are you sure it’s Todd you’re concerned about here?

Patsy immediately declares she wants to swim. She asks for company. Todd immediately agrees to go. Elizabeth is distressed, but keeps quiet.

And there is this entire B Plot, writ large.

I mean, Todd even asks Liz is she’d like to swim too. She mutely shakes her head. If it bothers you, just talk to your man, Liz!

The swimmers fuck off to swim, and Liz internally declares that she knows just how poor DeeDee feels. [Dove: No you don’t, you problemless tit. You have a boyfriend who loves you, and you’re threatened that he knows a pretty girl. DeeDee is pining for a boy who doesn’t even know she has romantic feelings for her, who is pining for Satan herself. These are not equal.]

Next, we’re in the parking area, and Elizabeth is retrieving her book from Todd’s car. She’s still upset. A van pills up, containing Olivia Davidson (she of Save the Whales), Enid (Liz’s best friend), and Lois Waller (Holla Holla).

Enid immediately realises that Elizabeth is upset, but Liz won’t say why. Partly because, apparently, she’s uncomfortable to do so in front of Lois Waller. Who, I will remind you, has been a feature of Elizabeth’s like FAR LONGER than fucking Barb from Stranger Things. [Dove: #JusticeForEnid]

The group share some jokes, before Olivia notices Todd and Patsy frolicking in the ocean. In a roundabout conversation, she reveals that Todd and Pasty used to be in love.

Elizabeth is shook. She knew they were once an item, but no one said anything about love. As Olivia backpedals for her life, Liz asks how the couple had eventually split up.

“I don’t think they ever really broke up,” [Olivia] said. “I guess they just stopped seeing each other when Patsy moved away. But that doesn’t mean.… Well, I’m sure it’s not what you think.…” Her voice trailed off uncertainly.

Hah! It’s Axelmania!

So Todd’s been cheating on Patsy with Elizabeth all this time… respect!

But then again, Todd was with Elizabeth all through Twins… so technically Todd has cheating on Elizabeth with Patsy, and in turn cheating on Patsy with Elizabeth.

It’s not Axelmania… it’s Toddception! [Wing: Best lack of continuity in any of the series so far.]

Elizabeth brightly declares that she’s not arsed, and there’s nothing to worry about, but she does so with the shiny eyes of a zealot and not even the parking lot is convinced.

Suddenly, Tuesday! And we’re at rehearsals for Speldor in the Grass. Specifically, we’re in what appears to be a deathbed scene between Bill (living) and Jess (dying). It’s Jess’s big scene, and she’s hamming it up a storm. She is, as usual, breathtaking.

DeeDee is watching from the wings, spellbound by Bill’s beguiling performance. Well that, and by the fact that she’s totally hot for his bod, for sure.

Yes, DeeDee has realised she’s smitten with Bill. But she knows it’s pointless, as he only has eyes for Jessica.

She’s jostled by Roger Barrett, who’s staring at Lila Fowler. This is foreshadowing for the next book, so it butters no turnips with me today. Onward!

DeeDee loses herself further in Bill’s brilliance and beauty. Standard. She becomes saddened when Jessica, reacting in the play, leans up and kisses her beau on the lips. It marks the end of the scene, and while it leaves the rehearsal audience applauding, DeeDee does not join in.

Fucking hell, DeeDee. You’re watching from the wings in a theatre. Accidents happen all the time. Slice through a rope and drop a sandbag on that conniving witch. You want to win Bill, you’ve gotta Be More Jessica.

Next up is a skip to the cafeteria. DeeDee is eating alone, when Bill arrives. She’s happy, and willing to talk about his performance when he asks if she thinks he was good enough (because Jessica gave him notes for improvement, naturally). They laugh, they chat, it’s all going swimmingly.

While DeeDee waxes lyrical on her crush’s perfection, the scene is interrupted by…

… A naked Mr Nydick!

…

…

…

STILL GOT IT, PEOPLE!

[Wing: True nostalgia.]

Of course it’s not that accredited nonce. It’s Jessica, replete with dining tray. She is, as usual, breathtaking.

Bill immediately reverts to a cave-dweller, no longer able to hold court, or indeed formulate a coherent sentence.

The talk, as it is, turns to the play once more. Jessica is leading the discourse, doing her best to extract every bit of praise and sycophancy from a prostrate and gaping Bill. He delivers in spades, and DeeDee is forced again to watch this sometime vibrant boy turn into a lapdog and a lickspittle for naught more than the nebulous promise of a kind word and a flash of knicker elastic. [Dove: I remember seeing this happen once. I was out with a guy I kind of liked, then my friend walked in (yes, the one with the green eyes that everyone went ga-ga for). All of a sudden, the interesting dude I liked with a blithering idiot. Killed my feelings dead. Never got over anyone so fast in my life. Wouldn’t it be great if DeeDee did that? She just thinks, “OMG, he’s a fucking moron.” And then she moved on with her life.]

When Jessica has this chimp running off to fetch her ketchup, DeeDee decides she can’t stand it any more. She departs with tears in her eyes.

…

Aside:

There are a few scenes like this, in which DeeDee and Bill share some nice moments before Jessica bludgeons the life out of both of them.

They’re surprisingly well crafted.

It’s nice. There’s pace and energy in the duologue, then when Jessica makes it a trio it’s a marked shift in tone. It feels real, and cringe-making, and altogether too much. Long may it continue.

Approved!

End aside.

…

Chapter Five… let’s fucking goooo!

We’re still at the cafeteria, albeit at another table. Todd and Elizabeth have witnessed the entire scene, culminating in DeeDee’s exit. Todd blames Jess, but as usual Elizabeth sticks up for her wayward sibling. But mostly, Liz inwardly monologues about Todd and Patsy, and the BRAND NEW INFORMATION she now has about their coupling.

During these largely redundant revelations, we do ascertain a singular nugget of news. Apparently, not only had Todd and Patsy been an item, they’d been an exclusive item. No dipping their breadsticks into other fondues, dear me no! It was mild cheddar for both, all the live long day.

For some reason, this is yet another source of concern for Lizbob Squarepants, despite the fact that she and Todd are exclusive, and that they were both exclusive throughout the BOOKS THAT WE MUST NOT NAME.

She longs to talk to him about her complex thoughts, but she simply cannot. Oh, if only there were some way to actually speak to another person!

Todd decides to push his luck, blaming Jessica for all of DeeDee’s worries. He’s right, of course, But Elizabeth is having none of it. She leaps to her feet in a rage when he compares her beloved twin to a barracuda. Not without cause, I must say.

He’s immediately contrite at Elizabeth’s anger, which does mollify her. She also has the good sense to realise that perhaps the Patsy Debacle has clouded her judgment somewhat. They part as friends, mainly. Liz asks to see him after school, but Todd says he’ll be at rehearsal, to support Bill.

Later, at Elizabeth’s locker, she runs into DeeDee. Talk turns to the play, and DeeDee shows her a mound of clothes gathered as costumes. All a bit too high-falutin’ for the show, DeeDee reckons, but costumier Patsy has strong opinions.

Elizabeth is struck dumb.

Patsy.

Is working.

On the play.

No wonder Todd is so keen to attend the rehearsals! This is proof, if proof be needed, that Todd wants to put his Hot Wheels in Patsy’s pocket!

DeeDee yammers on, but Liz isn’t listening. She’s spiralling, so much so she doesn’t notice Enid as she staggers down the school corridor. Enid makes like Quincy, using her forensic mind to hone into Elizabeth’s problem: It’s Todd, and it’s Patsy, and it’s likely shagging.

Enid says she understands Elizabeth’s concern. If it were she and George, and some mythical girl that didn’t exist (let’s call her Ellen Riteman), then for sure would Enid be smashing shit up and kicking asses. But that doesn’t mean that she (or Elizabeth) would be right in their assumptions of cheaty guilt. [Dove: You jest, but Enid would lay waste to Sweet Valley and Big Mesa for the person she loves.]

Elizabeth is somewhat mollified by Enid’s rhetoric, even though she doesn’t buy everything. Todd and Patsy are just friends. Without benefits. Probably. She admits that she’s afraid to get the definitive answer from Todd, as the answer may not be what she wants to hear. Enid tries to talk her down, but it doesn’t work.

So we then skip to the rehearsal, and a conversation between Todd and Bill. Todd thinks Bill’s melancholy is nerves for the play, but it’s not. It’s for Jessica, obviously.

Todd does his level best to be a stand-up broski for his boob-notized brother from another mother. He tells Bill not to let himself be taken advantage of. Bill suggests that Todd is just as smitten with Liz, and they are twins, but Todd shuts that “but they are the saaaame” shit down good and proper. He tells Bill about how he once believed that maybe Jessica was the one for him, before realising that it’s Liz’s friendship is the most important slice of their relationship pizza.

Bill agrees. He thinks back to Julianne, and the friendship they shared. But just because that’s what he had with her, it doesn’t mean that love is the same for everyone, for every time? In fact, Todd can fuck off, offering this good unsolicited advice to a friend. How very dare he!

The scene ends with the guys parting stiffly. Bill is angry, but he doesn’t know why.

[Wing: I don’t love Todd being the voice of reason so often, but here we are.]

Chapter Six… let’s fucking goooo!

It’s Saturday, and it’s another rehearsal; for the play! Jessica is ticked off, because Saturdays should be fun, and not filled with work or school. She is, as usual, breathtaking.

Yeah, welcome to amateur theatre, babe. No free time for three months.

…

Aside:

I’m aware that this isn’t Jessica’s first theatrical rodeo. The twins have been in movies, for fuck’s sake. Never fear, I’ll discuss it more down the line.

End aside.

…

Jess sees Bill and DeeDee chatting animatedly by the props table. “Not on my watch” she grimly intones, drawing her machete.

She sidles over and slips an arm around Bill’s, suggesting they all go over to the Compound for a swim. This, of course, clashes with DeeDee’s one-on-one surfing lesson planned for later that day, as well Jessica knows.

At this point we learn that DeeDee’s lessons are bearing fruit, and she’s enrolled in the Women’s Junior Surfing Championship, likely to be held at the conclusion of this book. It also coincides with the play, also due to be performed in the final few chapters.

Jess plays the disappointment card, pouting a little and claiming it’s such a bummer that Bill (and, as an afterthought, DeeDee) couldn’t be there.

Bill squirms like a worm on a hook. He’s stricken. Of course, his mouth is making the right noises – “Sorry Jessica, but I’ve committed to these surf lessons with DeeDee, maybe next time?” – but his body language and total demeanour scream that he wants to accept her invite. Jessica, unrelenting, twists the machete.

DeeDee couldn’t stand it a minute longer. “That’s OK, Bill,” she cut in swiftly. “Why don’t you go ahead? I really think I need to practice on my own for a change.” She forced a cheery smile, but inside her heart was breaking.

Good on ya, DeeDee. Apart from the last bit, that sucks for you. But this guy doesn’t realise what he’s missing.

Bill puts up a token resistance to her offer, but it’s clear that his heart’s not in it. He’s going to swim with Jessica!

DeeDee tries to mask her feelings with a few jokes before the three of them leave the school buildings. Once outside, Jess send her lapdog Bill back in to fetch her forgotten script, before the DeeDee makes her leave and bumps into Next-Book Roger. There’s some more preamble the future stories, this time involving around how he tries to avoid attending Jessica’s swimathon, and the fact that he’s scruffy and a misfit that lacks confidence, before we move back to the actual narrative.

We’re now at the Wakefield Compound, with the drama club crowd having a ball. Jessica is there, craving all eyes as she does the signature Wakefield Dive. She is, as usual, breathtaking.

Tom McKay is also there, despite not being a part of the drama crowd. Bill envies Tom’s easy manner with Jessica, who has largely ignored the recently crowned surfing champ since Tom’s arrival.

The way you ignored DeeDee, a tiny voice inside reminded him.

At least he’s feeling some guilt. Good. He did DeeDee dirty.

In a small internal monologue, Bill considers DeeDee as a match. She might not look like Julianne, but she has countless other qualities. Soon, he brushes these thoughts aside. Jessica is the one he wants, and that’s final. [Dove: Without wanting to get too far into spoilers, but there is a deeply disturbing motif in this series about boys fixating on their first love who dies tragically, and then imprinting on girls who look even slightly like them, and then just forcing the relationship to work – no matter how damaging – as an homage to their First Twoo Luv.] [Wing: I hate this motif, the First Love is Best Love, No Other Love Can Compare, First Love Never Dies, and I say that as someone who started dating their partner at thirteen.]

As Tom and Jessica engage in horseplay, Bill watches on forlornly. He feels like he’s been wiped out by a wave. Okay then.

Elizabeth arrives home from the library, and discusses the drama club scenes by the pool with her father from inside the Compound. The Ghostie takes pains to tell us that Ned is a hottie, at least as far as Elizabeth is concerned, and that’s perfectly healthy and appropriate. [Wing: Fitting when Alice could be the matching triplet to the hottest of hot twins.]

Elizabeth changes into her beachwear, and heads to the pool. Her father has told her that Todd is present, and she’s looking forward to clearing the air with him, and reconnecting. Of course, when she heads out poolside, she sees the next step on the Todd-Patsy arc… Todd is rubbing suncream into Patsy’s naked back and shoulders. She’s lying face down, bikini unfastened, being slathered by Todd’s creamy liquid.

Todd sees his girlfriend, and smiles in greeting, before Elizabeth flees the scene in horror.

Chapter Seven… let’s fucking goooo!

We cut to the aftermath. Elizabeth is locked in her bedroom, an Todd is outside the door, looking to learn what’s going on. I mean, come the fuck on, Todd. Read the damn room.

Shouting through the tears, Elizabeth cancels their date for that evening. Todd eventually realises that the catalyst for this showdown was him rubbing oils into Patsy’s naked back, and if I’m honest I’m with Liz here. Then again, I don’t live in California… maybe the climate dictates that everyone is mandated to rub oil into someone’s back every thirty minutes or so. I live in the north of England, where it rains every day and the only cream-rubbing allowed involves eczema. [Dove: I hate siding with Liz, and most of this problem is in her head, but yeah, the sun lotion on the naked back of an ex is a bit more intimate than I’d be comfortable with. All the same, she’s had plenty of time to say, “I’m feeling a bit wibbly about your ex being back. Here are my feelings.” And maybe if she’d had that conversation, the Toddster wouldn’t be doing creamy rubbings with an ex.] [Wing: Eh, sunscreen is sunscreen, skin is skin, who cares. However, since Elizabeth does care, she certainly should have done as Dove says.]

Liz manages to sulk Todd into departing, which somehow makes her feel abandoned. Sorry love, but you can’t have your cake and eat it, unless you’ve invented a 3d cake printer.

Suddenly, the adjoining door opens, and a sopping wet Jessica enters. She is, as usual, breathtaking. On the prowl for towels, she’d overheard Todd, and is now here for her sister in her obvious time of need.

Elizabeth fills her sister in with all her worries. Weirdly, Jessica is dumbfounded. Todd… and Patsy?! Why would anyone even think of such a thing? Jessica is legitimately surprised at these revelations, and predictably draws the conversation towards herself. How could Elizabeth have kept this information from her? It’s true the real victim in all of this is Jessica.

[Dove: This endless tiresome emotional abuse and gaslighting is frustrating me. And here’s why: I have lived with this. And while not every conversation between the twins ends in an argument, every conversation is a minefield. And as someone who has lived with it, I don’t want to read it. Especially because it never gets addressed. I would read the hell out of a book where Liz calls her on it and sticks by that decision, and Jessica either has to learn to do better, or they go non-contact. I hate the normalising of these minefield-conversations. Oh she’s just fun! She’s so selfish, isn’t that hysterical? No. It’s not. It’s awful. Jessica is a terrible person. (Wow, that redemption arc didn’t stick, did it?) And I can’t like Elizabeth either, because it pisses me off that she won’t stand up for herself. When I was in her position, I had no clue I was being manipulated. Liz does and she does fuck all about it, and it makes me want to hoof her into the sun.] [Raven: *hugs*]

Once apologies have been made for this, Jessica tells Elizabeth that yes, she thinks that maybe there’s some truth in the Todd – Patsy stuff. Why wouldn’t there be? In Jessica’s universe, there’s literally no reason for Todd not to shag the sexy Parisian. It might be a crush, so it could pass, but on the whole it’s very suspicious.

This is not the condolence speech that Elizabeth needs.

The rest of the chapter deals with Elizabeth and Roger, who for a player in a future book is getting much more page-time than I care for. Get back in your box, scruffy-yet-defiant Roger!

In summary, Elizabeth pops out to clear her head, looking to interview a local businessman who specialises in child labour, for an article on summer jobs for The Oracle. While there, she finds Roger Barrett, who’s surreptitiously janitoring.

They converse. She patronises him. He reveals that he has to work this hustle in order to keep his family homed, clothed and fed. Elizabeth gives him an Attaboy, and that’s the end of that. [Dove: She is insufferable here.]

Chapter Eight… let’s fucking goooo!

It’s now a special lunchtime rehearsal for Splendor on the Grass. Jessica is pacing backstage. She is, as usual, breathtaking.

The reason for her nerves? It seems that DeeDee Gordon’s father, the famous Hollywood Agent, is in the house to scope out the talent on show.

…

Aside:

I hope DeeDee’s dad, with his Hollywood connections, can create and raise the funding for shows of his own design.

Because then we could call him Commissioner Gordon.

…

…

…

*taptaptap*

Is this thing on?

End aside.

…

After some disbelief from Lila that the plain jane DeeDee should have such an influential father, and a frankly bizarre claim from Lila that she turned down the Karen Allen love interest role in Raiders of the Lost Ark (I mean, the fuck?!), [Wing: …that wasn’t a joke? I read it as them joking around. Oh god, please let it not have been a real claim.] the curtain raises and the rehearsal goes ahead. Off-page, of course.

After the rehearsal, DeeDee declares to the gathered throng that her father had loved the show. In fact, with a wholly unbelievable declaration, she announces that her father had seen some star potential in one of the cast members. Naturally, she can’t say who that was (as her father wouldn’t tell her, lest it made the person too nervous), but daddy will be bringing a big-shot talent scout to the play on the opening night, in order to, well, scout this particular talent.

So instead of keeping this quiet and telling everyone after the play, this bellend decided to put EVERYONE’S nerves on edge by telling them about the talent scout, but didn’t name who was being scouted in order to save them for being nervous? That makes no fucking sense at all.

The group chatter excitedly about who it could be. Jessica claims she doesn’t think it’s her, but of course she does think it’s her. Bill thinks it’s her, too. DeeDee is over-excited, and gives Bill a surprising hug in front of the group, which leads to great embarrassment.

When Lila and Jessica are alone, they continue their chat. Lila offers the idea that it’s Roger, presumably as yet more preamble for the next book. Jessica all but admits that she’s sure it’s her, and Lila falls in and backs her up, in a fashion. Okay, I guess, but these uber-competitive best friends from Middle School would not have aligned so damn quickly in Twins.

Lila suggests how fun it’d be to act opposite Matt Dillon, but Jess says she’s more interested in Sylvester Stallone, in Rocky Five

First, if the High series gets to reference real films and actors, why the hell did the Twins series get lumbered with inventing all its stars and media (other than the odd mention of ancient stuff like Gone With The Wind)?

Also… Sylvester Stallone? I love the guy and his films, but he’s hardly a heartthrob lead for a sixteen-year-old girl. Very peculiar.

…

Aside:

Have you seen any images for Stallone’s latest film, Tulsa King? He looks like someone cosplaying as Paul Hollywood.

End aside.

…

Chapter Nine… let’s fucking goooo!

Lunchtime! Bill and DeeDee are chatting outside the Drama Room.

Their conversation is close, and revealing. We discover that both come from divorced families, and that Bill is actually starting to enjoy this acting malarkey. All cute stuff.

DeeDee feels this could be a seminal moment in their blossoming relationship, as Bill is usually so taciturn around her. She doesn’t want to startle him off, but she’s aware that there has been a subtle shift in the dynamic of their relationship.

Talk turns to surfing, and DeeDee asks for another lesson, that evening. Bill is reluctant, as he and Jessica were supposed to be running lines together.

At that moment Jessica breezed past them. She’d changed out of her costume into a pale blue sundress and had put on fresh lipstick that carried a faint perfumey smell. She was, as usual, breathtaking.

THERE IT IS, FOLKS.

Incredible.

In a breathtaking way, she announces to bill that she’ll no longer be present to run lines that evening. The reason she gives? That “something came up”. The actual reason? She needn’t bother stringing Bill along now, as she’s about to be plucked from obscurity and elevated to stardom by DeeDee’s dad.

I mean… I guess?

Jessica has been on TV a few times, on shows and a commercial, as well as starring in a movie with Elizabeth (or at least going through the rigmarole of starring in a movie), but sure, THIS is her big chance.

Bill is devastated, but does his best to disguise this. He and DeeDee make plans for a surf lesson later that day.

Next, Elizabeth sees Jessica bearing down on her in the cafeteria. Jessica is, as usual, breathtaking.

Jessica is full of the great news that DeeDee’s dad is going to make her a star! Obviously, upon hearing the truth of the situation, and that Jessica was wildly overselling her own chances at stardom, she offers her own version of events. These are much closer to the truth. Jessica pouts about being seen, and lays a sly dig at Todd and Elizabeth’s relationship status.

Miraculously, things do not escalate here. There’s a bit of sniping, but it’s largely Jessica being exuberant and Elizabeth being cautious. It’s the entire series, writ large, in a single scene.

Jess fucks off. Enid fucks… on?

Enid and Elizabeth talk about Liz’s poor love life. Enid is of the opinion that Liz should just talk to Todd. Imagine such a ludicrous thing! Elizabeth is not down for that, as it’d just be far too humiliating. [Dove: Yes, it’s far better to just avoid your boyfriend and assume you’ve broken up than let him know you actually like him, respect your relationship, and would like to set boundaries.]

Enid flat out tells her friend that she could be wrong. Yes, Todd was rubbing lotion on Patsy’s back, and yes, Patsy is gorgeous and sophisticated, and yes, Todd was in love with her before he met Liz… hang on, it’s pretty clear that Liz is actually right.

Nothing really happens with this conversation, but it’s all good stuff, I guess. It ends with the pair giggling about Jessica’s aspirations of stardom and her constant tormenting of Bill.

After her last class, we see Elizabeth at her locker. She’s internally monologuing, ready to talk to Todd about her fears. Unfortunately, she then spots Todd, with Patsy, and things do not look rosy.

Todd had his arms around Patsy, and she was clinging to him in a way that left no room for doubt in Elizabeth’s mind about their feelings for one another.

Hot tears flooded her eyes and scalded her cheeks. Her insides were churning. She felt as if she was going to be sick.

They didn’t see her. Todd was stroking Patsy’s back and murmuring something in her ear.

He’s probably telling her he loves her—the way he used to tell me.

Well, that’s that, I guess. Elizabeth has been abandoned. I suppose that Todd will never be heard of in this series again.

Elizabeth has seen enough. She flees the scene, in floods of tears. I don’t blame her, to be fair. The Ghostie has been framing this to show Todd’s behaviour entirely through an Elizabethan lens (hah), so it’s not a surprise that things look bad. The issue is that when this is all hand-waved away, or explained with something shit, it both invalidates Elizabeth’s feelings and will likely be at odds with what we’ve actually read in the book. It’s all a bit Annie Wilkes, rallying at the cliff-hanger serials in Misery. When all’s done and dusted, Todd had better get out of the cock-a-doodie car.

Chapter Ten… let’s fucking goooo!

The chapter starts with Bill talking with Jessica at the end of school bell. She is, as usual, breathtaking.

In a sad little scene, Bill plucks up the courage to ask Jessica to accompany him to the opening night cast party.

Okay, so a cast party on the opening night? Is that some sort of American thing? Pretty sure we don’t have that in the UK. Maybe a swift jar or two after the show, but nothing so grand as a party. [Wing: Opening night? Not that I’ve seen, but I didn’t do much theater after my first few years of undergrad.]

Also, if you’re in the play, it strikes me odd that you’d be bringing a date to this thing. And as the leads, going together might be an expected thing (which Bill does flag).

Either way, Jessica answers with a No. Apparently, Tom is taking her.

…

Aside:

I bet he is.

End aside.

…

Bill is devastated. Jess suggests that he invite DeeDee, before fucking off to something more interesting.

Bill spends the remaining paragraphs of the scene internally wailing at the sky. Oh no, he can’t have Jessica! Woe is he! What is a poor incel to do? I know! HE’s invite DeeDee to the party! That’ll show Jessica! She’s sure to love him then!

Horrible, horrible, horrible.

Not even a paragraph on how much Bill actually likes DeeDee can rinse the taste of entitlement off this clunker of a scene. Poor DeeDee. You can do better than this mewling manbaby. Bill can get into the sea.

Huh. Suddenly, we’re in the sea.

It’s DeeDee’s surf lesson, and Bill is putting her through her paces. DeeDee is doing well, but the surf is up, and there is foreboding in the air., Nevertheless, she marvels at her wannabe man’s form and grace. Even though she knows that Bill would rather be with Jessica, she’s enjoying every moment of one-on-one time.

Then there’s a burst of sudden plot!

DeeDee, attempting a particularly gnarly tube (or something), completely wipes out in a dramatic and devastating fashion. She tumbles in the water before the board clunks her head and blacks her out.

Next, there’s the same scene from Bill’s perspective. He’s pining over Jessica, before he realises that DeeDee has disappeared. As he scans the waves for signs of life, he spots her board bobbing on the waves.

Wracked with guilt, and the memory of a friend that was knocked unconscious in similar circs, he flails about and curses himself before finally locating her. She’s floating, face down, in the water.

Luckily, Bill can swim well. He gets to her, and drags her to the beach. Once there, he desperately administers first aid, trying to press the water from her insides.

Will she be okay? Or will Bill see another of his potential soulmates die as he takes his eye off the ball. Poor Bill. I get Butters-at-the-Tap-Dace-Recital vibes here.

Naturally, DeeDee does spring to life, albeit slowly. As he administers mouth-to-mouth, he starts stirring towards feelings of love for DeeDee, as you’d expect from such a potboiler plot point. And by the time he wakes her properly, he’s full-on in love.

DeeDee’s eyes fluttered open. Brown. They were a beautiful buttery-toffee brown. How come he’d never noticed that before, either? As Bill stared into her eyes, he suddenly felt as if he were the one who was drowning.

It’s quite nice as a closing paragraph, but I can’t help but feel a little squicked by this creepy Brave-Protector Damsel-In-Distress schtick. Ah well. Acceptable in the Eighties, I guess. At least the fallout with Jessica will be fun. [Dove: I’m also super grossed out that mouth-to-mouth from an actual near-drowing turned into snogging. I mean, did she hurk up all that saltwater first? Also, generally speaking, when someone’s breathed in water, it’s a good idea to take them to the hospital (it’s ok, SV people can afford it) because you can drown later because you’ve not expelled the water properly. And since there’s no scene of DeeDee coughing up water, she did not expel that water. So she might die later. That would really traumatise Bill.]

Chapter Eleven… let’s fucking goooo!

The next chapter starts with DeeDee, and the opening of her eyes. She’s confused and disoriented, but she’s soon swept away by the feelings, and proximity, of Bill.

They kiss.

…

Aside:

I so hoped that DeeDee would cough up seawater mid-romance, and turn Bill off for good. Or expose a latent kink he never knew he had.

Ah well.

End aside.

…

Bill then carries DeeDee to safety. Once there, they talk, and it’s cute. In a very wordy scene, the pair connect on a level that will hopefully set them up for at least three books before he goes swanning back to Jessica in the hope to one day sniff a small vial of her piss.

Full disclosure: I’m not really here for the lovey-dovey stuff. I’m here for the wacky hi-jinks. These pages are full of lovey-dovey stuff, and it’s nice, but it’s not for me today. Go check it out though, if that’s your bag! It’s the last page of Chapter Eleven.

Chapter Twelve… let’s fucking goooo!

Away from the Snogging Beach, Jessica is having her hair curled by her sister. She is, as usual, breathtaking.

As Elizabeth comes close to burning Jess’s scalp, talk turns to Todd. Elizabeth has been missing him, but Jessica has no sympathy. She warned her sister about him, after all.

What, what now? Is this a reference to Jessica’s veiled false rape accusation? Fucking hell!

Absolutely No.

Liz says she doesn’t hate Todd. He did love Patsy before her, after all. Jess says Liz is being too forgiving, and I totally agree with her on that. If only she’d stop entwining this advice with her constant references to her own issues (her insistence that she’s on the verge of superstardom via Commissioner Gordon).

One thing that is funny, though: Jess thinks that while she’s a superstar, Elizabeth will be on hand to be her stand-in. Y’know, because Elizabeth doesn’t have plans of her own.

Elizabeth tries to keep her sister’s feet on the ground while her head is in the clouds, but it’s King Canute and the tide. There’s no stopping the monster.

Soon, showtime arrives. Mr Jaworski, the drama teacher / director tells everyone it’s standing room only. A sellout! Nice. Although apparently they’re only there to check out Mr Gordon’s agent friend, which says a lot about the residents of this fucking town.

Jessica is fishing for compliments. She is, as usual, breathtaking. She and Lila riff off each other, before there’s yet more foreshadowing about Roger. It seems like Roger and Lila will be the focus, which is okay. It’ll be nice to see Lila front and centre.

Then we get to the meat. Bill appears, arm in arm with DeeDee. Jessica is dismissive, because she’s still convinced she’s set to be a star by the end of the night. Nothing like a realistic dream!

As Jessica daydreams about fast cars and faster boyfriends, we learn that DeeDee placed third in the surfing championship that morning. I thought they had a damn surfing championship last week? How many fucking wet ironing board showcases do they need? [Wing: All of them. Every weekend. I would love it.] Apparently, when the results were announced, Bill kissed DeeDee in front of everyone. How shocking! Won’t someone think of the children?! [Dove: The straight agenda just won’t quit.]

The play starts. Jessica is, as usual, breathtaking.

Three dots on a page later, and the play is finished! And it’s a wild success. The Wakefield clan are all very complementary about Jessica’s performance, and the play in general. Maybe Jessica will be a super-duper-mega-star in the next book after all.

You know what this story needs? Maria Slater. She could clue Jessica into what actually happens in the Hollywood casting / agent process. Y’know, if Jessica didn’t remember all the times she’s already been in movies and TV shows, of course.

Bill and Jessica, the leads, were given a standing ovation, with the clichéd bouquet of roses.

Everyone is waiting for the appearance of Daddy Gordon, ready to bestow his Hollywood Pixie Dust onto the ordinary life of one your starlet. Will it be Jessica?

Will it balls.

Here’s how Jessica is handled:

Mr. Gordon came up and shook Jessica’s hand. “You gave a fine performance, dear. Keep up the good work.”

Then he was gone, swallowed up by the crowd. Jessica blinked in astonishment.

So, if it’s not Jessica… who is the mysterious talent?

It’s Bill Chase, of course. Mr Gordon greets his “star” warmly.

Bill is dazed by this news. DeeDee is beside herself with excitement. The rest of the cast are astonished.

And Jessica? She’s iridescent with rage.

Elizabeth tries to console her sister, but it’s no good. She’s on the warpath, believing that she’s slipped up by letting DeeDee “get her claws into” Bill. She must have influenced her father to choose Bill over her.

Elizabeth guesses her sister’s plan. She tries to bring Jessica to her senses, but the die is cast. Jessica is ready to head to Bill and DeeDee to reclaim what’s rightfully hers. Casting an annoyed Tom to one side, she heads over…

Chapter Thirteen… let’s fucking goooo!

… And it fails spectacularly.

She slathers on the sexiness, trowel thick. She is, as usual, breathtaking. Her eyelids flutter, her voice is a purr, her body language screams available… but it’s all too late.

It’s the last scene in Teen Wolf, after Michael J Fox scores without Wolfing Out to win the game, and the uber-hot popular chick tries to intercept him as he celebrates… only to be pushed aside as he reaches for his soulmate.

Oddly, as Jessica lays on the flannel, she actually starts believing the bullshit she’s spouting. He is good looking, he is talented, and so on. But now, he’s only got eyes for DeeDee. Damn right too.

Unfortunately for all involved, Jessica is not willing to take no for an answer. She invites Bill to both be her date to that evening’s party, and also to head out on a date the following Saturday to properly celebrate. And before Bill can shut that shit down, DeeDee slinks off with tears in his eyes. Because why on earth should be finish this book when we can KEEP IT GOING FOR FUCKING YEARS? [Dove: OMG, the girls in this series are written so badly. They’re weeping morons who assume the end of a sentence and run off. Jesus Christ. Function. It’ll save on the crying headaches.]

Bill says he can’t take Jess to the party at Lila’s estate, because he’s accompanying DeeDee, but she’s disappeared. Jessica avoids being turned down completely by breezing away with a smile.

Outside, DeeDee is upset, before being consoled by Roger in yet more foreshadowing for the next book. I guess this bit is more important, but I’m finding it hard to care. Roger knows how DeeDee feels, as he too is in a similar position as her. Yeah, he fancies Lila, here’s to the next book. [Wing: Oh fucking hell, I have to recap a book about a poor boy with a crush on Lila Fucking Fowler? Goddamn it.] For now, he and DeeDee chat and console each other. DeeDee is also determined to attend the party, Bill be damned, so she and Roger head off to the party together.

Chapter Fourteen… let’s fucking goooo!

It’s about time to wrap up the loose ends, so let’s start speeding up.

Jess tries to convince Liz that she needs to go to the party. She is, as usual, breathtaking. She shares that she has dumped Tom, and she’s devastated about losing her expected Hollywood career. But Liz is in no mood to support her sister at a party at which she’s sure she’ll see Todd.

Eventually, Elizabeth capitulates to her sister’s demands. Because that’s what she always fucking does.

At the Fowler Estate, the twins immediately run into Patsy. She asks if Liz has seen Todd, as he’s fetching something from his car. Elizabeth is upset.

Jessica is still trying her schtick on Bill as Liz escapes the party with eyes filled with tears. Outside, in private, she is finally reunited with Todd. And, of course, everything is cleared up quickly. Todd is not in love with Patsy. He’s in love with Elizabeth. Patsy had a boyfriend back in Paris, whom she discovered had found someone else. Todd was merely being consoling. And so on, and so on. [Dove: *rolls eyes* If these kids communicated, this series would be about 17 books.]

…

Aside:

A lot of these books are going to be this exact scenario, aren’t they.

Jesus fucking Christ…

End aside.

…

Chapter Fifteen… let’s fucking goooo!

Chapter Fifteen is the final nail in Jessica’s proverbial coffin. She is, as usual, breathtaking. But Bill? His breath has been taken by DeeDee. Despite Jessica using every inch of her allure, including almost giving Bill a fucking lapdance, he’s only got eyes for his surfer chick.

Cool.

Eventually, he decides to actually tell DeeDee what’s going on.

He does so by rejecting Jessica’s invitation to a date the following week, very publically. In doing so, he commits himself to DeeDee. Because DeeDee is, as usual… breathtaking.

Jessica runs off, humiliated.

In the final act of the chapter, DeeDee and Bill discuss Jessica’s wiles, and their own relationship. It ends with a kiss and a declaration of love. So that’s that done. [Dove: And poor Roger, whom she dragged to the party for moral support, is now just awkwardly at a party he didn’t want to go to, surrounded by people who won’t talk to him. But DeeDee’s in love, so all’s well that ends well.]

Chapter Sixteen… let’s fucking goooo!

And finally, we have five hundred words in which Jessica disavows all men, and in which there’s more talk of Roger’s crush on Lila, which we’ll cover when we get to Love On The Run.

And that’s your lot!

Damn, that felt like a slog. And that’s without the sixteen-song accompaniment.

Final Thoughts:

So. This book.

Was it, as usual, breathtaking?

I don’t really know.

I think I enjoyed it, but when recapping it I found myself irritated more than I remember than when I first read it. For some reason, the Roger stuff irritated me, even though it was standard foreshadowing fare. I liked the general conversational vibe of a lot of the scenes and there were some surprises – Bill’s Dead Girlfriend was one – but the whole plot of boys-and-girls-and-boys-and-girls was a whole lotta repetition.

Overall, I’m going to give it a meh, as it’s a very mundane tale. That’s usually fine, as all stories have dignity and merit, but when reading this I had one eye on the future books that will likely re-tread this plotline. I fear they may be Legion.

Oh, and what about all those songs called Heart Breaker! Seriously, I could have ran to thirty-two chapters with a different song if needed. I doubt my next recap, on Too Good To Be True, will bear such delicious and melodic fruit.

Wait a second…!

[Dove: I really wasn’t a fan of this one. It was a lot of faffing around and, as always, I loathed the way Liz and Jessica behaved. DeeDee I rooted for, but I had no interest in Bill and his imprinting on blondes. Sorry, I wasn’t feeling this one.]

[Wing: I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care. I hate love triangles, I hate Jessica, I hate Elizabeth, I hate Francine Pascal, I hate everything.

Well. I don’t hate this recap. And I am feeling a bit better after reading it. 

Without the RAGE GOGGLES OF FUCKING LIFE CAN FUCK THE FUCK OFF, this book is mostly boring with moments of rage, mostly around Jessica and Elizabeth and how they interact, Jessica in general, and what Pascal seems to think she did with these twins.]