Hi everyone. Raven here.
For the month of November, the marvellous Dove chronicled one of the lesser-known periods of Sweet Valley Twins history: the town’s ill-fated participation in Lila Fowler’s Hunger Games. The harrowing (yet hilarious) tale can be found, chapter and verse, on the site, so go ahead and reacquaint yourselves with the details via the links below:
*MILD SPOILER ALERT*
As readers will be aware, one of the stalwart commentators on the Hunger Games, the esteemed rock chanteur Johnny Buck, took a particular shine to one of the less-favoured tributes: Sweet Valley’s Designated Fatso, Lois Waller. In fact, his adoration for Lois has translated itself into a surprisingly heartfelt and upbeat track, planned for his long-awaited new album My Love For You Is Like A Buck (Berserker).
I spoke to Johnny on Wednesday, at 2:45pm as he headed out to the stage for his latest concert at Secca Lake. He had the following words for his fans…
Big up to all my Sexy MotherBuckers out there in Sweet Valley and beyond! I hope to see everyone at a concert venue near you soon, for my (Early) Afternoon Delight Tour, offering post-lunchtime lakeside rock n’ roll for all my fans. My new album hits the malls next month, but until then, here’s a rough cut of my tribute to a Tribute: Buck the Odds (Holla Holla Lois Waller). It’s a departure from my usual style. Hope you like it! Until next time… Peace, Love and Bucking. JB X
Thanks to Johnny Buck for sharing his creative vision with us, here at Sweet Valley Online!
*Representatives of Johnny Buck would like to make it clear that the rough nature of the singing in the supplied track is in no way representative of the quality promised by the finished album, available at all good music stockists from January 1st.
*Representatives of Johnny Buck would also like to make it clear that any violent imagery perceived in the lyrics of the supplied track are purely the views of the singer Johnny Buck (and the Fowler Hunger Games Initiative) and in no way reflect the values of their parent company SV Record Holdings, PLC.
*Representatives of Johnny Buck would finally like to make it clear that any improper language towards the twelve-year-old Lois Waller percieved in the lyrics of the supplied track were purely included for artistic effect, and in no way reflect the actual desires of their client. As with most of the crap that happens in Sweet Valley, it’s best not to think about it too deeply.
Buck the Odds (Holla Holla Lois Waller)
Switch on my television, looking for that list of names,
Those still alive in the Sweet Valley Middle Hunger Games.
Watching the action but I’m dreading every cannon boom,
Wait for the confirmation, building tension in the room.
Oh, how my heart stands still,
Sky writing claims the kill,
A stranger’s name across the sky, sky, sky.
They say that you’re too fat, you’ll never win like that,
But you will make them see, this is your destiny.
You’ll beat them at their game, the world will know your name,
We shout for victory, cry holla holla…
We raise our voices for Lois Waller.
Go Lois Waller, with your agile mind and sturdy thighs,
Hunt down those matchstick kids and see the terror in their eyes,
I ship my chosen tribute battle gear and paraphernalia,
Go Lois Waller, may the odds be ever in your favour.
Track down those wastes of space,
Use rocks to smash their face,
Just keep on pummelling, die, die, die.
And for the greater good, she’s gonna spill their blood,
She’s gonna tear out tongues, smash knees and puncture lungs,
Those pretty teens must die, no need to ask her why,
She’ll rip their hearts right out for a dollar…
So raise a clenched fist for Lois Waller.
So keep your Jessicas, your Lilas and your Amy Suttons,
Your Liz, your Kens, your Brookes, your Winstons won’t amount to nothin’.
Their bodies may be thin, you know their souls are so much thinner,
Go Lois Waller, you’re my winner winner chicken dinner.
That girl, she makes me quiver,
I stand when she delivers,
A potent chemistry, my my…
The Wakefields always win, ‘cause they are blonde and thin,
But you are strong and smart, and you have won my heart,
Oh Lois, fan my flame, I hunger for your game,
You’re getting me hot under the collar…
I raise my flagpole for Lois Waller.
(Music: Johnny Buck / Stuart Taylor. Lyrics: Johnny Buck / Raven)
Raven here again. Thanks for listening, hope you enjoyed the song. It was fun to do. Even if I did screw up the lyrics and have trouble breathing. 🙂
Of course, the words are easy. It’s the music that makes it. Much MUCH thanks to the amazing Stuart Taylor, who took my feeble warblings and made something awesome. Apologies to Stu (and the listener) for my terrible singing. As the old saying goes, you can’t polish a turd… but Stu managed to roll it in glitter and make something shiny.
And finally, more kudos to Dove. Her story is amazing. Seriously, go read it again.
Looking back at things I’ve enjoyed, and smashing them to pieces with the Snark-Hammer. Lover of games of every stripe and hue. NOT A REAL BIRD.