Title: All Night Long

Tagline: Is Jessica as grown-up as she thinks she is?

Summary: Elizabeth Wakefield knows her beautiful twin can handle almost any guy – most boys are just no match for Jessica’s seductive charms. But Scott Daniels, Jessica’s latest love, is more of a man than a boy, much older and much more experienced that anyone Jessica’s ever dated.

When Jessica sneaks off to a college beach party with Scott, Elizabeth’s afraid of what could happen. And when her twin isn’t back by morning, Elizabeth’s fear turns to alarm. Where’s Jessica? Why has she stayed out all night long?

Initial Thoughts:

This is the stone-cold classic Sweet Valley High cover, right? Where Jessica is getting close to Magnum PI?

I’m sorry, but if this guy’s supposed to ooze menace and danger, then something went very wrong at the initial art concept meeting. That mustache is one thing, a relic of the time, but those neatly manicured eyebrows are something else entirely.

And the ostentatiously racy title! Pretty sure this one will actually be as tame as a pre-tamed shrew.

The last book was the beginning of The Final Destination… a massive multi-car pile up. Can All Night Long reverse the trend?

[Dove: I suppose it’s too much to ask that when left to her own devices, with no way to get home, Jessica just went on a murder spree?]

[Wing: That’s my head canon. Dear readers, I just burned several fingers on one hand, so I am typing with 1.5 hands. Please forgive any weirdness that comes from this.

If you want to hear Raven and me react to this cover and that horrible mustache for the first time, don’t forget you can access Cover Calypso at the $3 and up levels for our Patreon.]

Recap:

Chapter One… Let’s fucking gooooooo!

This book begins like so many others. Which I actually find quite comforting.

Jessica is stood before a full-length mirror in Elizabeth’s bedroom, admiring her form and asking if she’s “sophisticated enough” for Scott. Elizabeth tells her that she’s not up to snuff (gasp!), before revealing that a) there’s an upcoming party at the Lake, and b) both she and Jessica have been forbidden to attend by decree of The Sainted Alice.

Jessica is planning on attending, of course.

Liz is appalled. APPALLED, I say!

“And just how do you plan on getting away with it? Mom’s not exactly blind, you know.” Elizabeth noticed the corners of Jessica’s mouth turning up—the mouth that was a carbon copy of her own but capable of oh-so-much-more mischief.

…

…

I mean, what in the what now?

I didn’t expect mischievous mouth-based shenanigans until Sweet Valley XXX After Dark: Sitting on Casey’s Face.

There’s more immediate rudeness, entwined with the familiar twinny bullshit of “four minutes older” and “blue / green eyes” and what have you, but this time it’s laced with important information. First, there’s the news that Jessica’s party attendance will be alibi’ed away with the lie that Jess is at her friend Cara’s house. Second, and more importantly, we have Elizabeth’s judgmental opinion of the college-aged Scott Daniels, who:

1. Has a mustache.
2. Owns a red Firebird.
3. Is too old for Jessica.
4. Drives like a GTA player bubble-wrapped with extra lives. [Dove: What a loser. All the cool kids play Saints Row (but not the reboot).]
5. Is an all-round insolent douche-nozzle.

Let’s examine this insolence. According to Elizabeth, upon meeting the aforementioned Scott, he looked her up and down with a lascivious leer and made the old joke about “double the fun.”

Personally, I don’t know what’s worse, the fact that Scott says such a squicky thing to his girlfriend’s sister, or the fact that the creepy “double the fun” line has been used on these sixteen-year-olds often enough to register as something ‘old’.

[Wing: Wrigley’s has a lot to answer for, poor twins.]

Elizabeth muses on the usual issues she has with Jessica, and even admits to herself that, in the past, she’s always capitulated to her sister’s every whim. But not this time, dear reader! Dear me no! This time, ol’ non-mischievous-mouth Liz is resolved to stand up to her sister.

This is book five, of one-hundred-and-eighty-one. Yeah, good luck with that, Liz.

Next, we have Jess rummaging through Elizabeth’s closet in search of a sexy-time outfit. Which, in all honesty, is like searching for the Seventies UK Children’s TV Guide for a show that’s not presented by a paedophile.

Jess finds something, because she’s Jessica Wakefield and we know her judgment is off. After all she somehow thinks that Scott’s age makes him sophisticated, when he’s the same age as Steven. She knows that Steven ain’t exactly a bon viveur.

Cue Elizabeth’s first dark proclamation:

“I wouldn’t want to look too sexy around Scott if I were you,” Elizabeth warned darkly. “It might be like waving a red cape in front of a bull.”

Hmm… not sure what I think about that, in all honesty. Aptly, the sentence is a red flag in every sense. [Dove: Don’t worry, Jessica’s thought to herself on several occasions that she’s far too clever to get raped. That only happens to idiots.]

Jessica laughs it off, and compares her identical twin sister to a mousy wallflower that just needs to shake out her hair and unbutton her blouse to morph into SuperSexVixenGoGoLovePanda3.

Liz isn’t going to do that, thank you very much. Don’t you know she has homework to do?

Apparently, both twins were invited to this party – described as a “grown-up pajama party”, be still my tremulous heart – but Liz felt it too racy a prospect. [Dove: Having been invited to stay with a couple of friends at their uni, I have witnessed Uni PJ parties. It’s largely when everyone’s too tired to get dressed before driving to the nearest garage to buy 20 Marlboros and a pack of rizlas. Or a few times while we were uni-aged but not at uni, we’d get tired of the romantic drama going on, and we’d all have a sleepover like we were fourteen, and watch Stand By Me and cry about how sad it was that River Phoenix died. So saying it’s like a grown-up pajama party just makes it sound really cosy. Say it’s like an orgy or the more PG-13, “Things get really wild – drinking and such like” to imply that sex happens.]

The girls argue about priorities, and jealousy, and potential groundings, and the suitability of Scott Daniels, and Jessica’s recent appalling relationship with Bruce Patman, [Wing: Is that continuity I see?!] and the following day’s important Tourist Guide test that both girls deem important, until the scene ends with Jessica mad at her sister in the customary style.

…

Aside:

Tourist Guide test? What the actual fuck?

Contextually, I get that this is a test for the kids in which a passing grade opens up the prospect of a fun summertime job in and around Sweet Valley.

Is this a thing in the US? Never heard of it in the UK. That said, I’ve been out of school for thirty years, so what the hell do I know? We probably had tests to become chimney sweeps or pickpocket urchins or something. [Dove: Why are all of your options so musical theatre?] [Raven: *deep breath*… Iiiiii… Gotttta beee MEEEEEEEEEE…] [Wing: I worked as a tour guide during my undergrad. There was no test. Despite not liking groups of people, it was one of the most fun jobs I’ve had.]

(I do legitimately remember a newfangled “IT” class when I was thirteen, in which we had to draw a computer keyboard in the centre of our exercise books, to be used to practice touch-typing in the absence of any computers in school. Eyes front, and one finger out of place was “rewarded” with a rap from a steel ruler across the back of a hand. The school didn’t get any computers until I was fourteen.)

[Wing: Typing. via. a. drawing. WTF.]

Chim-chimmeny, chim-chimmeny, chim-chim-cheroo…

End aside.

…

Suddenly, it’s Sunday, the day of the party. Elizabeth is with Enid, at the Dairi Burger but ultimately beach-bound. Jessica has been whisked to the “grown-up pajama party” in the infamous red Firebird, and Liz is vacillating over what to do if her mother questions her about Jessica’s whereabouts or alibi.

Enid is all for throwing Jess under the bus. This is an attitude I am down with. Of course, Liz is all like “but siiiiisterrrrrssss” and “but spiiiiinelesssssss”, so she can fuck off.

At the crowded beach, the pair meet up with Todd Wilkins, who begins rubbing his juice into Elizabeth’s naked flesh almost immediately. And by “juice” I mean “suntan lotion”.

Todd asks after Jessica, and Elizabeth lies for hers. “She’s with Cara”, she says, parroting the party line like a whipped backbencher. Talk turns to the B Plot, which is The Surfing Battle of Sonny Callahan and Bill Chase. You see, there’s a big contest a’-brewin’, with Sonny Callahan as the reigning favourite and Bill Chase as the mysterious challenger. Today, Sonny is cutting up the surf with panache, while Bill watches from the shore, full of brooding and soulful stares.

Meh, who gives a fuck. It’s just wetness and ironing boards. If I want shit like this I’ll watch Point Break.

[Wing: Wetness. and. ironing. boards. WTF, Raven, how are we friends? Wetness and ironing boards, what the fresh hell.]

Then Todd spots Cara, who is demonstrably lacking a Jessica.

Elizabeth makes her excuses, and approaches Cara for clarification. Cara says that her original plans, which Jessica used as her alibi, had changed at the last minute, and if Jessica was caught because of her sudden appearance at the beach then she’d have to get out of trouble on her own. Talk about fast friendships.

Anyway, the chapter ends thereafter. Quite a long one for the book’s opener.

Chapter Two… Let’s fucking gooooooo!

It’s the Grown Up Pajama Party, and Jessica is eavesdropping on the surrounding college-level conversation. Which, as you’d expect, is simple, insipid and banal. She also marvels at the graceful beauty of the college girls present, in particular one girl who has cornrowed blonde hair with clacking beads. They say Bo Derek, while all I see is Season 10 Monica Geller.

While Jessica arranges her limbs for maximum pose effect, we discover she’s wearing a red string bikini, and that she’s waiting for Scott to come back from swimming in the sea.

…

Aside:

I know I’m in the minority, but I have little love of the beach. It’s just where water meets dirt. I prefer a holiday where you do something more interesting than straddle a planetary seam.

That’s right, folks… the seaside can fuck off into the sea.

End aside.

…

[Wing: No, really, how are we friends? How have we had multiple enjoyable trips together? It’s like I’ve never met you before.]

While she waits, some of the college girls try to spark up a conversation with our sixteen-year-old sociopath. It’s all light, until the Bo Derek / Monica girl warns Jessica of Scott and his flailing mace-headed penis.

“Bo Derek” cast Jessica a sly look. “Just a word of warning where Scott’s concerned. I’m not sure how much of it’s actually true, but around campus he’s got quite a reputation.”

A reputation for what? Jessica wanted to ask, but at that moment a shadow fell over her, followed by a sprinkle of cold water.

Gotta say, didn’t think it’d be cold water sprinkling at this time.

That’s right, Scott’s back from his swim. And he’s an immediate prick, and also immediately described as a “bad boy” so everyone knows he’s not endgame. The trowel lays it on pretty thick, but not as thickly as it painted Rick Andover with the Bellend Brush.

Scott immediately asserts his authoritah over Jessica with physicality, hooking her bikini top strap suggestively. Jess gets a thrill from this “assured possessiveness”, even though she claims to be a fan of being in control herself. Bruce Patman had stripped that away from her, and she is determined to rise to the challenge of Scott’s more mature and experienced approach. [Wing: Wasn’t there a scene where Bruce got handsy in front of his friends and made her super uncomfortable? Yet now the same sort of situation, and someone putting himself in control, is mature and good? Jessica fucking Wakefield, wtf.]

Scott pounces on Jessica and pins her down. In doing so, we’re treated to this bon mot:

Jessica kicked one slender leg up in the air in mock protest. She felt safe enough in the presence of Scott’s friends, but she sensed it wouldn’t be so easy fending him off if they were alone.

Why isn’t this red flag enough? This is not romantic, or even sexy. It’s terrifying. Right? [Dove: She’s literally saying (in a monotone), “Oh. I might be raped later. Gosh. That’s mildly worrying. Oh well, that’s future-Jesscia’s problem.”]

Happily, we’re saved from anything more unpleasant by the arrival of more partygoers, who toss Scott a beer. He drinks it, animalistically. Because he’s such a fucking moustachioed caricature he’s seventy percent Super Mario.

She was glad for the excuse to free herself from his disturbing embrace.

For fuck’s sake, this is creepy shit. At this rate, Jess will only be identified by her dental records.

Suddenly… DRUGS. Fucking DRUGS.

Can’t say I saw that coming.

A joint is passed around, and Jessica excuses herself to go frolic at the water’s raggedy edge. I’m sorry, but the Jessica we know from books one through four would likely take a hit from the bong without a second thought. It’s sophisticated, right?

Voices carried down to the water’s edge, the speakers no doubt thinking she was out of earshot.

“… Scott sure likes ’em young.…”

“… gotta watch out for them when they’re that age. All tease and no tickle.…”

“… jailbait, if you ask me.…”

I mean, wowzers. Talk about your skeevy bullshit. Pretty sure Scott’s mates should have performed an intervention or flagged him to Chris Hansen long before this Grown-Up Pajama Party. And Jessica’s takeaway from this is equal parts blinkered and monstrous. She doesn’t heed the warnings, she simply claims that the speakers have seen through her sophisticated act, so she should redouble her efforts to prove to everyone she’s every bit the sultry temptress she so desperately desires to be.

Her plan? Go pelt Scott with some muddy sand. Because WHY THE FUCK NOT? [Dove: How is a mud fight sophisticated?] [Raven: Because they are wearing top hats?]

In “playful” retaliation, Scott chases her down and gathers her up in his manly arms, before bearing her aloft to a secluded boathouse in the woods like some perverse trophy. Everyone else has fucked off in a puff of pot smoke anyway.

As they head to their private shag-palace, Scott wastes no time. He throws out a stock compliment, then sticks his hand down the back of her bikini bottoms to grab a chunk of bare arse.

Again, this was wholly unexpected.

Jess bats him away, but is now becoming aware that perhaps she’s not in the safest of predicaments at this time.

They reach the boathouse, and it’s as romantic as cat faeces. Damp, dark and chilly. Jessica declares herself cold, and requests they leave an head back to the bright lights and welcome eyes of the beach, but instead of doing what she asked, Scott instead grabs her and plans a forceful kiss. AS she tries to extract herself, the pair tumble onto sacking.

Then we get THIS shit. Whole paragraph quote ahead!

He descended upon her like an invading army, tugging insistently at her bikini straps while he devoured her neck. The muscles she’d admired on the beach felt knotted and menacing now, as she lay pinned beneath his bulk. His mouth pressed against hers, hot and openly demanding. Jessica shuddered. No—not this way, she thought. She’d always been able to control her boyfriends when she wanted to, but Scott was more of a man than a boy, she realized with rising panic. Someone who wasn’t about to take no from a girl who’d led him on.

What an appalling paragraph. Wrong on so many fucking levels. Perhaps the worst thing about it was the insidious way is stirs a dollop of victim-blaming into the decidedly assault-laden stew with the phrase “from a girl who’d led him on”, but if I’m honest it’s all a massive bag of mouldy shit from the first capital to the last full stop.

[Dove: Everything Raven said. This book is awful. How does Francine think these girls are role models?]

And it’s a cliff-hanger! The chapter ends there. Talk about manipulative.

Chapter Three… Let’s fucking gooooooo!

Thankfully, the third chapter carries straight on, with the words that we all were screaming to the writer not twenty seconds earlier.

“Stop it, Scott!” Jessica hissed, pushing against the solid wall of his chest with all her strength. “I mean it. Stop it or I’ll—”

Unfortunately, Scott sneers and doubles down. He unties her bikini top, causing her to cover her chest and her modesty with a flailing arm. Realising that she needs to try something different, she offers a more conciliatory and wheedling approach. Why sure, she digs him, definitely, but they’d better head back as she’d need to head home soon.

Scott declares that why on earth did she think she’d be heading home at any time soon? He had no plans to take her home… The party was an all-nighter.

…

Aside:

Gotta say, I was thinking a lot darker here. There’s a heavy undercurrent of “identified by her dental records” in this terrible interaction.

I mean, I know all MUST end well, as the series rumbles on, but the vibe is definitely one barrel short of a crime scene.

End aside.

…

Then, for some unfathomable reason, Jessica decides that this whole affair is… Elizabeth’s fault! Why, I hear you ask? Because Elizabeth didn’t do enough to talk Jessica out of attending. [Wing: What the ever loving fuck. Jessica, I do think Elizabeth backs down far too often, but fucking hell, you made the choice to be there! Scott is responsible for being a rapist shit! Elizabeth has not a goddamn thing to do with this.]

I mean, has Jessica actually met Jessica? You couldn’t talk her out of anything. What a completely bizarre and unnecessary turn of events. Oh, and way to go on shifting the blame from the actual dyed-in-the-wool nailed-on abuser, Ghostie. Sterling job!

Jessica tries a different tack. She stamps her feet and demands to be taken home, on pain of telling her parents. Scott calls her bluff, as he knows that in doing so, she’d also have to admit to lying to them and disobeying their strict non-attendance-at-this-party rules. [Dove: I read it as she was going to threaten him with rape allegations – apparently her go-to threat – and this time, sure. He clearly will rape someone if he hasn’t already. Yeah. Lie. Get this asshole in jail.]

Jess calls Scott a creep, and Scott laughs back with a flippant “count yourself lucky it wasn’t worse”, which is all manner of horrendous and a clear indication of what a twat he is, but is also contextually reassuring as it points to the fact that at least the physical “ordeal” is over for now. To underline that, Scott gets up and attempts to fuck off.

Jessica shrieks at him to stay, to help her get to safety. It’s dark, she’s lost, and she’s panicked about being alone. But try as she might, she can’t get the super-prick to stay. He disappears into the trees, and I for one am glad.

Jessica spends the following few paragraphs alternately bemoaning of her plight and cursing the sky at “Elizabeth” for getting her into such a mess and at Scott for being a complete bellend. At least we can agree on the finer points of the latter argument.

Eventually, she stumbles upon a path, and after hours of tromping (and complaining about Elizabeth all the while), she finds her way to an inhabited cabin. And let joy be unconfined, it’s a cabin occupied by the Grown-Up Pajama Partygoers.

What an incredible stroke of luck, Jessica. This so could have been the Sweet Valley version of The Girl Who Loved Tom Gordon. (The Girl Who Loved Bruce Patman…?)

Back in what can loosely be described as civilization, Jessica finds an inebriated and rambunctious Scott, still wildly indifferent to helping Jessica get home. There’s no phone for miles, Scott is not drunk enough to hand over his car keys and all the other partygoers are fucking in rooms off-screen. No, seriously.

Jessica looked around for Scott’s friends, but judging from the muffled noises coming from the bedrooms, they were obviously far too busy with one another to be concerned with her plight.

True to form, Scott intimates that the only way Jessica will get anything from him is if she gives him a little So Cal sugar. Happily, Jessica declines that invitation with vigour. Unperturbed, Scott merely shrugs and falls asleep, leaving a miserable Jessica attempting to catch some Z’s on the cabin’s hard and unforgiving floor.

…

Aside:

And that, I believe, is – SPOILERS – the end of Scott’s contribution to the series. For this book, at least.

Why the hell this fuckwit gets a front-and-centre cover shot is beyond me. Sure, his mustache is funny, but he does fuck all of interest in the four chapters here. In fact, he’s not even in Chapter One, so that’s a full quarter of his time gone before he arrives, and a full TEN chapters left without him.

This book isn’t about Scott Daniels, is it. What a massively misleading cover and blurb.

End aside.

…

Chapter Four… Let’s fucking gooooooo!

So we’re back with Elizabeth, and we’re hoping that Scott’s stupor is real and Jessica is getting some unbothered shut-eye. Naturally, she’s dreaming of Todd, who’s ringing a bell in her abdomen.

Suddenly, she’s wide awake. She’s remembered Jessica. After a quick check, she ascertains that her twin has not come home from the Grown-Up Pajama Party. Where can she be? Has she had an accident?

Not even Elizabeth can convince herself that this is anything more than Jessica doing Jessica things. Jess is likely having a whale of a cock -sorry, time – and will appear when she’s good and ready.

Elizabeth is on the brink of saying “fuck it, she made her bed so now she lies in it”, with “it” being the wet patch, but then she realises that once her parents realise that Jessica is missing, Elizabeth will be blamed by association. She knew that Jess wasn’t around, right? So why didn’t she tell her folks?

Elizabeth wants to leave Jessica in the lurch, but she can’t. As we all know, she can’t stay mad at her sister for long. That one line is basically the nail upon which most of these threadbare plots are hanged.

“I should have ‘Welcome’ tattooed across my chest,” she sputtered in disgust through a froth of toothpaste foam.

This line did get a chuckle, and rightfully so. Liz is not only a doormat, she’s a self-aware­ doormat.

Jessica then calls the family phone, and Elizabeth dashes to pick up before the Sainted Alice. In their brief conversation, Jessica checks whether their mother has discovered her missing daughter (she has not [Dove: Of course not. Who do you think sold the uni crowd the weed for the party?] [Wing: Alice is an entrepreneur.]), and then begs her sister to cover for her both at home and at the upcoming test in school. Elizabeth claims such a thing is impossible, but Jessica soft-soaps her sister good and proper. According to Jess, Liz is the best, the smartest, and the most beautiful. She also has excellent penmanship, a forensic pitching arm, and the fruitiest ass this side of Toledo.

Jess hangs up, entirely sure that her sister will do anything in her power to extract them both from this quagmire of Jessica’s devising.

The Sainted Alice calls for her daughters. And Elizabeth suddenly knows exactly what she has to do.

Hashtag.

Twin.

Magic.

She pulls on her Big Girl Knickers, and imagines… What Would Jessica Do?

Chapter Five… Let’s fucking gooooooo!

I enjoyed the following section very much indeed.

First up, Elizabeth heads down to breakfast. She deflects Alice’s questions about Jessica by claiming her twin is upstairs, sewing a button on a shirt.

As Elizabeth eats pancakes, we get a cookie-cutter description of Alice. She’s blonde, she’s pretty, she could be a Wakefield Triplet, and so on. Then there’s some light chatter about the upcoming test, in which Alice compares it to her own teenage test to be a camp counsellor (which she failed). [Wing: Is that a thing? I’ve never heard anyone mention it until this book.]

Alice straight-up asks Elizabeth when Jessica got home, to which Elizabeth replied with a feigned chocking fit as a distraction. Eventually, Alice starts wondering what’s taking the button-sewing Jess so long, and Elizabeth springs into action. She wolfs down the pancakes, thanks her mother, and dashes off for “school”.

Once outside, Elizabeth doubles back to set the Twin Magic plan in motion. While doing so, she considers that Jessica would have no issue at all in pretending to be Elizabeth. In fact, she posits the opinion that Jessica has done so many times in the past, mostly to Liz’s detriment. Nice to see she’s genre-savvy.

Elizabeth sneaks back into the Wakefield Compound unnoticed. She changes her clothes, to an outfit that’s much more “Jessica” – bias-cut skirt, striped top, cologne, lipstick, unclipped hair. Then it’s down to The Sainted Alice in the kitchen, for Breakfast Round Two.

Alice is washing dishes. Elizabeth, knowing that Jess’s favourite breakfast is pancakes, ploughs through a second plate as no not arouse suspicion. She also collaborates her own earlier claims about button-sewing, and pops in a few Jessica-themed sentences about clothes. It’s all very cute, and Liz pulls a smart move. When her mother suggests that “Jessica” doesn’t need the new top she’s blathering on about, “Jessica” suggests that Alice buy it for Elizabeth, because then at least “Jessica” could borrow it. Alice agrees, and this gets a thumbs-up from me. [Dove: I have to admit, I was impressed that she was so devoted to being in character, she managed to screw herself over for added authenticity.]

Liz makes advances to leave, as Alice complements her on her outfit. Alice also wishes her well on the upcoming test, causing a heart-stopping moment in which Elizabeth thought she was rumbled, before she disappears into the open air. She got away with it!

…

Aside:

Call me old fashioned, but I really enjoyed this chapter. For a start, it gave us an actual conversation with Alice, who’s often little more than a gin-addled spectre hovering in the background.

But best of all, we got an actual, on-screen example of Twin Magic. And it’s Twin Magic perpetrated by the Wholesome Twin! How cool!

Yeah, more of this, please.

End aside.

…

Chapter Six… Let’s fucking gooooooo!

Six starts with the smell of freshly mowed grass, as Elizabeth arrives at school. She meets her best friend, Enid-not-Amy. Or at least “Jessica” meets Enid, and there’s some confusion before all becomes clear. Elizabeth fills her friend in on the Jessica situation.

Enid, predictably, is far from charitable. College pajama parties are wild, apparently, and she posits that Jessica is likely wasted and passed out on the floor. Way to go, Enid, super way to console your spiralling friend. [Dove: I loved the extra detail that Enid knew all this because of her tweaker past.]

Thing is, Elizabeth thinks the same. But that’s not the important thing, is it. The important thing is HOW WILL JESSICA TAKE THE TEST IF SHE’S NOT HERE?! By gawd, that test has a famileh!

Elizabeth clarifies her position, which does make me feel a little more for her. Okay, so she did say that she’d help Jessica pass the test, but her sense of duty isn’t the only reason why she’s compelled toward test-based deceit. She confesses that the whole plan for the summer is for the twins to be tourist guides together, and it wouldn’t be the same if only one of them could do it.

Enid offers some scant hope. Liz is taking her test in the first class, while Jess isn’t scheduled until the second… perhaps the wayward Wakefield would make it in time?

Liz spends the time before her test searching the corridors for Jess, but aside form some minor intrigue when Bruce Patman asked “Jessica” out, much to Todd’s chagrin, there’s nothing much to bother even the most avid of readers.

I take that back, folks. There’s a touch of foreshadowing for the next book, in which Todd gleefully imparts that he’s finally saved up enough moolah to purchase a souped-up hairdryer of a motorcycle. Good for you, Todd Knievel. Elizabeth’s reticence (and her parents’ insistence that she refrain from the pillion) will surely form the narrative for the next instalment, so yay I guess.

To change the subject, Elizabeth spurts out all the Jessica scandal to a wide-eyed Todd. Immediately, he claims that Jessica is simply using Elizabeth, which is something that a fucking chimp could’ve worked out in book fucking one, so way to go there Toddster.

The chapter ends with Todd wishing Elizabeth well on her test, Elizabeth actually taking (and presumably acing) the test, and Jessica’s best friend Cara mistaking Liz for Jess and demanding all the best gossip from the killing floor of the Grown Up Pajama Party. Can no one but Todd tell the difference between these two girls? What the fuck, is Todd Wilkins the Wakefield Whisperer?

Elizabeth smiled sweetly, her blue-green eyes sparkling with mischief. “Gosh, Cara, I don’t know where to begin.…”

Again, it’s fun seeing Elizabeth channelling her sister somewhat. Sanctimonious Elizabeth is a bitter pill to constantly swallow.

Chapter Seven… Let’s fucking gooooooo!

In the best literary tradition, Elizabeth makes up a ton of shit about “Jessica” at the Grown Up Pajama Party, to an agog Cara, entirely off screen between chapters. This is standard, and acceptable, so mote it be. In Elizabeth’s version of events, Scott was pushed into a swampy bog.

Todd approaches, and does his best to keep the pretese that Liz is, in fact, Jess. Cara believes the lot, even if it’s laid on a little thick by the shenaniganning charlatans. Once she vamooses, Elizabeth fills her beau in about all the lies she’s spun about the Grown Up Pajama Party. Todd notes that, in Liz’s fantasy series of events, Jessica is portrayed as an innocent bystander. I mean, I see Todd’s point, but as Jessica would have told the tall tales herself from her own contextually innocent standpoint, it’s entirely on brand for Liz to do this.

Naturally, this sets Elizabeth off on a defensive tangent, because heaven forbid that anyone criticise her beloved sister. During their rather tense encounter, it becomes clear that Liz is considering taking the Tourist Guide test in place of her Jessica, in yet another branch of the Twin Magic Tree.

Todd does his best to dissuade her from this duplicitous course of action, but let’s face it, it’s exactly what’s going to happen because the plot requires its gristle. It’d be a pretty boring series if all we did was adhere to Todd’s staid and steady advice.

Elizabeth tries to defend herself, claiming it wouldn’t really be cheating. No idea how she came to that conclusion. It’s a textbook example of cheating, you doof. I thought she was the intelligent twin?

Eventually, the argument becomes fractious.

“You’re just saying that because you don’t like her,” she accused. “You’ve never liked her.”

Todd lifted an eyebrow in surprise. “I guess it should be obvious to you, of all people, why I’m not so crazy about your sister.”

First up, this is a reference to the first book in the series, in which Jessica had tried scuppering Todd and Liz’s blossoming romance by being a complete and utter cleft. Enough has been said about Jessica’s behaviour in both our recap and our podcast, so we’ll move on. [Wing: False rape accusation! Though this is such a strange, pointless test I can’t work up much annoyance on the cheating. Finally, continuity? Again?!]

Secondly… Todd raising an eyebrow, going all Rock on Elizabeth’s candy ass. CAN YOU SMEEEEEELLLLL, what the TODD. IS. COOKIN’.

Liz is incandescent with rage at Todd’s perceived heel promo. Well, as “incandescent with rage” as a wet sponge can get. Apparently, this is the first time they’ve ever argued. I’m sure they argued a few times in Twins, of course, but that officially NEVER HAPPENED (I know, I know, I’ve got to let this go). Things escalate along entirely predictable lines, and eventually they Todd cancels their date to that coming Saturday’s surfing championship.

Liz is fine with this,m thank you very much. And she says so with elan.

“I’d rather go swimming with Jaws!” she choked.

Top marks, people. Fun line.

Todd fucks off in anger. Elizabeth considers following, but decides against it., She does, however, decide to take the Tourist Guide test for Jessica in her absence. It’s the only thing she can do.

Chapter Eight… Let’s fucking gooooooo!

Again, the Ghostie utilises the unspoken space between chapters to have Liz take the test for her sibling. She believes she’s failed it, in spectacular fashion. The questions were worded differently, and her concentration was shot after her argument which Todd.

Enid offers her sympathy. Thanks Enid… Thenid.

Liz is unwavering in her belief that it’s all gone to shit. And that it’s all her fault. Enid isn’t having that.

“I’ve ruined everything!” [Elizabeth] wailed.

“I’d say you had a little help,” Enid noted. She didn’t mention any names, but her meaning was clear.

Elizabeth’s wallowing soon progresses into bleating about her spat with Todd. In pure teen hyperbole, she declares that she doubts that he’ll ever speak to her again. Again, Enid does her best to open her friend’s eyes to the hard truth that this is pretty much all Jessica’s fault. She makes a joke about it, which is semi-successful. She also invokes the Ronnie Debacle as a tale in which Liz proffered advice that was decent, advice that perhaps she herself should listen to now.

Ooh, look at Enid, with her actual advice and shit. Nice! [Dove: Fandom hates Enid, but thus far she’s the only person with screen time who doesn’t deserve to be dunked in lava.] [Raven: Enid is displaying strong Stranger Things Barb vibes, and I’m here for it.] [Wing: Fandom and I might need to throw down over Enid.]

As the consoling continues, we have a brief interlude with Dana Larson, lead singer for The Droids. She offers her unique, musician-based perspective on the situation, sharing a story about a philandering saxophonist. The reality of a post-Todd world hits Elizabeth hard, but I’m sure she’ll fucking live.

The scene shifts to the offices of The Oracle, where Elizabeth is still upset at the previous proceedings. She’s listlessly writing a piece on the Surfing Championship for the next issue of the school paper, from which it’s reiterated that the intrigue revolves around champ Sonny Callahan and challenger Bill Chase.

The gorgeous Mr Collins reads one paragraph, and decides it’s God’s Gift to Journalism. He offers Liz the opportunity of covering the surfy action in place of the otherwise-engaged sports columnist John Pfeifer. After a little soul-searching about the Todd Debacle, Elizabeth agrees. As well she should. They are on a break, after all.

Collins asks once more about Elizabeth’s wellbeing, but she flees in a daze before she breaks down in tears. In her dash. She collides with fellow journalist Olivia Davidson, sending copy pages blizzarding everywhere.

In the apologies and paper-gathering that follow, we learn a few things about Olivia. She’s good-natured, she has brown curls, and she’s an activist for all things environmental. Nukes, organic, all that shit. She’s also got a cracking sense of humour, or so we’re told. [Dove: I doubt we’ll ever be shown, because witty writers aren’t often hired for Sweet Valley. Grapplegate and the No Angel writer were anomalies, unfortunately.]

There’s a little interchange, again discussing the Todd situation, and Olivia lends a story from her own personal experience. Nice enough, but superfluous to the action. Elizabeth eventually flees. However, I’m more than happy to hear from Olivia again, as she seems fun.

As Elizabeth wanders away, she spots… a wild and untamed Jessica! Bounding toward her with a sunny smile.

…

Aside:

Hooraaaaay! She’s not dead!

End aside.

…

Chapter Nine… Let’s fucking gooooooo!

Jessica immediately begins spilling the tea about the Grown Up Pajama Party, before she stops in her tracks.

“What are you doing in my outfit?” she asked.

Elizabeth flounders for an answer, before Jessica grabs her in a warm embrace. She starts heaping praise on her subservient sister for doing all she could to ensure Jess passed the Tourist Guide exam.

Elizabeth’s resolve to tell Jessica the truth of the matter withers in the fire of such weaponised optimism. I don’t blame her, to be honest. If Jessica thought Liz flunked the test, she’d likely stab her in the eye without a second thought.

Shining with happiness, Jessica spots the fly in her ointment…. Todd, scowling in the distance.

Todd stalks past, and Jess wonders what his problem might be. She asks if he and Elizabeth have had a fight, before her flighty nature distracts her from the Now by presenting a far more interesting thought (she’s late for cheer practice with Lila and Cara). Liz worries about what Jessica’s teachers might say if they spot her, after she’s missed so many classes, but Jessica knows she can style that shit out, Gangbusters style.

Jessica dashes off to the changing room, leaving Liz to ponder how to improve her standing with her estranged boyfriend. Depressingly, yet accurately, she concludes that, in this regard, Jessica would be as much use as Anne Frank’s drumkit.

Next up, we skip to Jessica’s cheer practice. Cara has arrived, happy that her friends is here. She reveals that she’s leaked all the goss that “Jessica” gave her. Jess is unsurprisingly confused, but Lila drawls out an explanation and changes the subject. Nice to see some input from Lila, let’s hope that expands as the series progresses.

Still confused, Jessica plays up to the crowd a little. She leans into the stereotype, and all is well in her world.

In the actual practice, we see Jessica lock arms with the “tall, blond, blue-eyed and gorgeous” Ken Matthews. I don’t know how I feel about Big Tall Ken, so let’s just say Growth Spurt and move along.

The flirting is outrageous, and leads to nowhere other than the end of the chapter.

Chapter Ten… Let’s fucking gooooooo!

The start of Chapter Ten gives us a flash insight into “the longest week of Elizabeth’s life”. She phone-hangs, hoping for contact from Toddikins, but instead is only interrupted by calls from Enid.

[Dove: So… um… we don’t get to hear how Jessica got home from her “all night long” debacle? With that summary, I was expecting something akin to Eden Lake.]

“You sound disappointed that it’s only me,” Enid complained on one of these occasions. “You were expecting Princess Di, maybe?”

…

…

…

*blinks*

Well, that dates the text. Cool.

Enid’s conversation invariably is all about Liz and Todd. Liz is down on the situation. Enid is more optimistic. Enid will be proved right in time, of course, and if I’m honest this whole focus is rather tedious. I’m sure that this does NOT bode well for my enjoyment of the serious as a whole. Ah well, bring on the wacky bonkers fun times.

By Thursday, we discover that no, Todd still has not called. Elizabeth’s misery is now boundless and elemental. At school, Cara asks Liz for the skinny on the Todd sitch, albeit with a disinterested yawn at the heart of the question. She also tells us that Bill Chase is also MIA lately, which I’m sure sent all the slashfic writers in SVH dashing madly to their typewriters back when this book hit the shelves.

Cara and Liz discuss the reasons behind Bill Chase’s disappearance. Is he scared of the champ Sonny Callahan? Is he being pegged by Todd Wilkins?  Is he on the run from the FBI? Or is he dead in a ditch somewhere? ONLY TIME WILL TELL.

Cara saunters off, and Enid spends a couple of paragraphs being Elizabeth’s sounding board once more. They also discuss the results for the Tourist Guide test, due out later that day. Liz is sure that she’s fucked it all up for her sister.

…

Aside:

Okay, so I’m confused.

This book is called “All Night Long”, right? And the cover has a picture of Jessica and Tom Selleck?

So why, then, is the whole “All Night Long” aspect of the book over by Chapter fucking Four, and instead we have a book that SHOULD have been called “Elizabeth’s Test Bullshit”…?

I guess I shouldn’t complain. There are nowhere near as many songs called Elizabeth’s Test Bullshit. I googled it, and all I got was this.

End aside.

…

Snap cut! It’s Later That Day, and Jessica is fuming. She’s checking the results from the Tourist Guide test, and it appears that Elizabeth’s fears were justified. She failed.

Elizabeth is mortified. After all, she passed.

Immediately, Jessica is on the offensive. Her sister must have sabotaged her on purpose. Elizabeth does her defensive best to lay the blame at its rightful place, at Jessica’s feet due to her desire to attend the Grown Up Pajama Party. But Jess is having none of it. It’s all down to Elizabeth’s overwhelming jealousy, as she wanted to get close to Scott.

I mean, what in the actual fuck?

Jessica, that’s a stretch. Even for you.

She’s just venting, going scatter-gun on the blame game.

The argument intensifies. Eventually, after accusing her sister of breaking her promise to help, and pouring derision on the idea that Liz was all sweetness and innocence, she exits the scene with a line that’s one hundred percent pure Jessica Wakefield. [Dove: I used to be Team Jessica all the way, and now I utterly hate her. It’s all the foot stamping and the way she goes from zero to kicking things and screaming like a toddler. Every. Single. Chapter.]

Jessica wheeled around in dramatic fury. “I’ll never forgive you for this,” she directed back at Elizabeth, and her voice was pure ice.

This sends Elizabeth into a downward spiral of self-absorbed reflection. Of course, a barbed comment from Jessica causes her to question everything about the whole affair. It’s a prime example of the dynamics of this relationship, writ large. Jessica explodes with fire, Elizabeth coolly contemplates, and the flame burns through the ice ever time.

Everything is not coming up Milhouse for Elizabeth, dear me no. If anything, everything is coming up Sideshow Bob.

Chapter Eleven… Let’s fucking gooooooo!

Elizabeth makes a quick exit to contemplate her next move. She soon finds herself under the bleachers in fine high school fashion. It’s hardly her Thinking Tree, but I guess it’ll do in a pinch. If it were me, I’d be too preoccupied with working out how may people could be potentially farting on my head through the slats in the seats.

Suddenly, she’s accosted by a stranger. A stranger brandishing a great-looking sweater.

It’s Todd. He’s here to clear the air. Not through apologies, mind… through the cutesy declaration of a truce.

It’s all very saccharine-sweet, but it does the trick.

As they smile together, talk turns to Jessica. And it’s here we learn that Todd Wilkins has a sister of his own.

Does he? If he does, I had no idea. Either that, or I have blocked his sister from my short-term memory for reasons unknown. [Dove: No, this is news to me too. You’d have thought she might have been mentioned when Todd Ran Away.] [Raven: Maybe she’s, like, eighteen months old?]

The short scene ends with the two lovebirds sharing a snog. Bless.

Chapter Twelve… Let’s fucking gooooooo!

…

Aside:

With three chapters left, I’m beginning to wonder where the actual fucking story is in this up-and-down book.

The first four chapters, with Scott and the Grown Up Pajama Party, feel like little more than preamble. And since then? Nothing has happened. Like, at all. And I’m sorry, but I’m not counting the whole Tourist Guide thing as an actual event.

I guess that calling the book All Night Long does make a certain sense, even if it doesn’t occupy a decent fraction of the text. It does occupy pretty much all of the ACTION in this book, if not all of the WORDS.

End aside.

…

The chapter begins with Todd and Elizabeth re-entering school, holding hands, full of love. Immediately, the couple are set upon by a whirling dervish called Jessica.

Liz is defensive, but she needn’t have worried. Hurricane Jess is blowing hot instead of cold today. She’s full of throwaway apologies, claiming that Liz “knows how [she] gets sometimes.”

I’m sorry, but I hate that style of excuse. It’s such a gaslighter’s response. “You know how I am, so really it’s your fault for not seeing the signs.”

The reason for the sudden shift in tone? It appears that Jessica has been given the opportunity to re-take the Tourist Guide test.

…

…

…

So that’s it, is it? The whole issue gets hand-waved away by a fucking do-over?

That’s all kinds of bullshit. That’s Basking Robbins levels of bullshit flavours. That’s Heinz levels of bullshit varieties.

Elizabeth’s defensiveness melts away, along with her animosity towards her sibling. Todd plays along, but his enthusiasm is muted at best.

Jessica apologises for her suggestion that Elizabeth was jealous of her association with Scott. Todd is comically jealous at this, before he suggests he and Liz decamp to Casey’s for some ice cream. Jess tries to muscle in, but they rebuff her with a smile.

Casey’s Place! Still relevant after all these years. Did Old Man Casey die? I can’t remember. Dove?

Chapter Thirteen… Let’s fucking gooooooo!

Of the two remaining chapters, Chapter Thirteen is by far the meatiest. I guess this means it contains the final stitches of this vivid and intricate tapestry that makes up All Night Long. Either that, or it’s the final daubings of faeces on the cell wall of this godforsaken plot prison.

It’s Saturday! It’s the Surfing Competition! Will the champ Sonny Callaghan reign supreme? Will the challenger Bill Chase make an appearance? Will a third contender rise from the faceless surfing ranks? Will the Fonz actually jump the shark? Keep reading to find out!

The gang all gather at the beach, in prep for the fireworks to come. Todd, Elizabeth, Enid, George. Lovely. The four share some banter, which is frankly boring.

Eyes turn to the wet-suited competitors out in the ocean. Sonny Callaghan is there, looking imperious. But Bill Chase? Nowhere to be seen.

The four begin to posit theories about the mercurial Bill Chase’s whereabouts. I say four, but it’s really George and Enid riffing on his absence in a jocular fashion, which for some reason Elizabeth takes as the acorn for a possible scoop in The Oracle. Which is frankly ridiculous. I’m sorry, but I don’t believe that Elizabeth is cut out to be a journalist at all.

Judging is due to begin, and Bill Chase has three minutes to arrive before he is disqualified.

He makes it, of course. With a brand new surfboard to boot.

“Finally!” Todd breathed. “I was beginning to wonder if my board would ever have a crack at those waves.”

I mean, who with the what now?

The full story? Todd was given a surfboard that he never used, and sold it to Bill. This gave Todd the cash he needs for his plot device in the next book (the motorcycle), and saw Bill spend a week practicing his new moves in secrecy. [Dove: Why on earth would Todd (a non-surfer) be gifted a surfboard that is somehow better than the one the surfing pro owns – especially since the pro can clearly afford to buy it off him? This is just fucking rubbish. Even the throwaway lines don’t even make sense (and yes, I know it’s setting up the next book, but it wouldn’t kill the ghosties to at least try).] [Raven: I like to think that he was given it by a pushy relative, looking to mold him into something he’s not. Or maybe it’s a Malfoy / Nimbus thing.]

The content then begins in earnest. Both Sonny and Bill are heads above the rest, but it’s also clear that Bill Chase has the edge on the current champ. At least, that’s’ what the bystanders think… but the judges? They can be fickle for sure.

Lila Fowler chirps up too, in support of Sonny, who’s apparently invited her to a party after the competition. Standard scenes. Go Lila.

One by one, the other competitors fade to grey (including the impressively-named Dink Halstead). Eventually, the final results come in.

Third place? Gary Wallace.

Second place? … … … .. Sonny Callaghan.

And first, by a full six points… Bill Chase!

The crowd go wild. Figuratively. And literally, in small pockets. He is borne aloft by a gaggle of his friends, while Elizabeth pats herself on the back for coming up with a witty title for her story: Chase is One.

Which is FUCKING TERRIBLE.

Let’s see if we can come up with something better. Please comment with your titles below. My offering is…

Chase The Ace

Sonny Callaghan is pictures arguing with the referees. Bad form, dickhead.

Cara approaches, and asks Elizabeth where Jessica is. It’s not like her to miss such a prestigious social occasion, after all. Elizabeth informs her that Jess is laid low with a bout of poison oak, apparently contracted when lost in the woods at the Grown Up Pajama Party.

And that’s the chapter. [Dove: Is it normal for poison oak to take over a week to show up? I don’t know, I’ve never had it. But I know my own allergies will kick in within 0-6 hours depending on the level of exposure.] [Wing: Google tells me 24-72 hours.]

Chapter Fourteen… Let’s fucking gooooooo!

For the final chapter, there’s little of import. Understandable, as there was precious little of import in the rest of the book too.

So what does happen? Todd and Elizabeth share a cosy cuddle by a beach fire after the competition.  Todd suggests that they take a private picnic the following Saturday. Liz agrees, but then learns that this would mean her riding his Yamaha motorcycle… which her parents have expressly forbidden.

She puts off the discussion, and reveals in the inner monologue that their reasoning stemmed from the fact that a Wakefield cousin had been killed while riding a motorcycle. The conversation is killed, for now, but for sure it will form the backbone of…

SWEET VALLEY HIGH BOOK SIX: DANGEROUS LOVE

My, how thrilling. I for one cannot wait.

/sarcasm

Final Thoughts:

Final Thoughts… Let’s fucking gooooooo!

(First up, congratulations to everyone who worked their way through every one of the All Night Long songs I linked in this recap. Which was your favourite? Sound off in the comments!) (It’s the Lionel Richie one, right?)

I really wanted to like this book.

After three Mehs and a Kill It With Fire, I was hoping to have something a little more positive. And I nearly got that! I was enjoying huge sections of this, even the ultimately skeevy and inappropriate scenes with Scott in the early stages. The Twin Magic scenes with Alice were excellent, and some of the Test stuff was also interesting. At points, I was genuinely rating this as a Good book.

But then it just… stopped. And I thought “what the hell did I just read?”

Because NOTHING HAPPENED.

Sure, a test was taken and surf shit occurred. But there was no drama, or intrigue, or intention, or plan, or… anything.

It was simply words.

So although I did like some of those words, I can’t really claim that I liked the book.

For a fourth time out of five, we have a Meh, which isn’t what anyone wants at this stage.

I hope these get better. Or worse. I’m just pig sick of the middle ground.

[Dove: I hated this one. I was irritable and bored throughout. I found it annoying that this book didn’t live up to a summary that I thought might be fun. This could be Jessica’s redemption book. After four books of abusing everyone around her (even while being Bruce’s victim, she was passing on that abuse to Robin), this could have been the book where we had to root for her as she tried to get home after fending off a predator. I mean, my absolute best would have been that she killed him and had to bury the body, but if we’re keeping it real, I would have been happy with a book where Jessica helped herself to discarded clothes from the cabin, and maybe even stole a car – she could justify it, she could justify stealing someone’s spleen – and we’d be with her the whole way.

Instead we got three boring threads, none of which I cared about, none of which were given any proper attention, and we still don’t actually know why it took Jessica so long to get home, where she found clothes, etc. This was fucking awful. And I’m really sorry that I’m not enjoying these books, because I know it’s less for readers when one recapper is basically sullen throughout, so I’m really hoping that there will be a good story kicking in soon that will make me enjoy this series.]

[Wing: I’m somewhere between Dove and Raven. I remember being deeply annoyed when I read this, but time has tempered it to mostly boredom. Jessica is awful, though. Does she ever get more interesting and less terrible? I miss the Jessica of old.]