Raven’s Twinparisons

JC asked for all of Raven’s Twinparisons on a single page, because she’s greedy. She’s also lucky, because I am happy to indulge her.

When faced with a problem, Elizabeth asks WWJD (What Would Jesus Do)? When faced with a problem, Satan asks WWJD (What Would Jessica Do)?

Elizabeth writes the papers. Jessica is IN the papers.

Sweet Valley Twins #83: Amy’s Secret Sister

The twins have animal spirits. Elizabeth is an antelope: graceful, sleek and nimble. Jessica is a honey badger: she doesn’t give a fuck.

Jessica is a powerful witch, who can twist the minds and desires of all she touches and bend them to fulfil her every dark whim. Elizabeth, on the other hand, is a fucking sponge.

Elizabeth? Goooood. Jessica? Baaaad. Faces? Saaaaame.

Sweet Valley Twins #9: Against the Rules

Elizabeth has a favourite tree in the back garden. She sits in it when she needs to think something through. Jessica also likes the tree. She uses it to mark the graves.

When Elizabeth is rushing, it’s because she needs to stop the presses with a huge scoop! When Jessica is rushing, it’s because she’s fleeing the scene of the crime.

Elizabeth has blonde hair, and blue eyes. Jessica, however, has blue eyes, and blond hai-… FUCKING HELL! THEY’RE THE SAME!

Sweet Valley Twins #79: Jessica’s Blind Date

Elizabeth likes non-threatening androgynous boys. Jessica likes dirty rock-stars with prison tats.

Elizabeth likes holding hands and walks on the beach. Jessica likes rimming.

Elizabeth likes five to seven inches, with a slight uplift. Jessica demands nine inches, lintel-straight and as thick as a coke can.

Sweet Valley Twins #43: Elizabeth’s First Kiss

This is the story of the two perfect twins
One is a monster, one died for your sins
One is warm hearted, while the other’s much colder
Both have a dimple, one’s four minutes older.

The first twin’s Elizabeth, she longs to be a writer
Unlike her other half, she’s a lover, not a fighter.
She fixes problems plaguing each and every waif and stray
If you’re new, you’re sure to be her Best Friend For A Day.

The second twin is Jessica. She likes boys and dancing,
The Unicorns and purple, parties and romancing.
She loves the thought of Hollywood, awash with glitz and glamour,
And caving in the skulls of fucking bitches with her hammer.

Together they are bulletproof, a family like no other,
With idiotic parents and dim incesty brother.
Blonde, blue eyed and Aryan, straight from a Nazi rally,
Sieg Heil to the Wakefields. Welcome to Sweet Valley.

Sweet Valley Twins Super Chiller #2: The Ghost in the Graveyard

Elizabeth is a fan of Amada Howard mysteries, while Jessica would kill everyone she knows for the chance to nibble one of Johnny Buck’s nuttiest turds.

Jessica would slit your throat while you slept. Elizabeth would salve the wound with her healing tears, weeping at the woes of the world.

Elizabeth frots herself to a frenzy against a threadbare and traumatised stuffed koala every night. Jessica’s favourite colour is purple.

Sweet Valley Twins Super Edition #9: The Twins Go To College

Elizabeth spends her spare time reading. Jessica spend her spare time listening to the police scanner, desperately hoping her primary burial site remains undetected.

Jessica loves talking about fashion. Elizabeth wears sack-cloth and daubs her face with ashes, which she believes brings her closer to God (in this case, Mr Bowman).

Jessica has many friends, members of the fabled Unicorn Club. Elizabeth surrounds herself with sycophants, and is so lonely her only release is a twice-weekly frot with a battered stuffed koala.

Sweet Valley Twins #69: Won’t Someone Help Anna?

Elizabeth looks like Jessica. Jessica looks like Elizabeth. Stephen looks like Mr Bowman, which Ned finds suspicious.

Jess is a party girl. She like boys. Liz is a bookworm. She likes… worms?

There once lived a couple of twins,
One saintly, and one full of sins,
Liz wants a fine horse;
Jess buried a corpse
Behind the school gym, by the bins.

Sweet Valley Twins #24: Jumping to Conclusions

Jessica and Elizabeth are identical twins. They look the same. However, they are also not the same. In fact, they are very different!

Jessica wears makeup. Elizabeth has slightly different hair.

Elizabeth thinks, reads and writes. Elizabeth is a genius. Jessica is distracted by colours, shapes and sounds. Jessica is a mollusc.

Jessica likes the mall, boys and giggling. Jessica is twelve. Elizabeth thinks that Jessica’s interests are pointless, and that Jessica’s friends should be loaded into catapults and fired into the sun. Elizabeth is an asshat.

Sweet Valley Twins #3: The Haunted House

There once was a Wakefield called Lizzie
Who wasn’t content unless busy.
She’d forgo cool capers
For editing papers,
Her schedule made lesser kids dizzy!

There once was a Wakefield called Jess
Whose bedroom was always a mess.
When finally arrested
For murders contested
The police couldn’t make her confess.

Sweet Valley Twins #50: Jessica and the Secret Star

Elizabeth likes horses, while Jessica couldn’t give a fuck about such neighing titmunchers.

Jessica is a social chameleon. Unfortunately, her camouflage is permanently stuck on purple.

Elizabeth does not believe in ostriches. She thinks they are just “arrogant chickens.

Jessica loves meringue nests. She plans to nurture her young in a colossal meringue nest once she lays her eggs upon reaching legal and biological age.

Elizabeth dreams of being a famous writer. Jessica dreams of being an infamous serial killer.

Elizabeth cannot comprehend shoelaces. Jessica’s piss tastes like Lemsip.

Sweet Valley Twins Super Edition #3: The Big Camp Secret

While they look alike, the twins’ personalities couldn’t be more different. For example, Jessica’s friends are very much a reflection of her: pretty, bitchy, vacuous wastes of skin, while Elizabeth’s friends reflect her to perfection: boring, sanctimonious spunkwaffles.

Elizabeth enjoys reading mystery novels, and revels in solving the fictitious crimes within. Jessica enjoys committing actual crimes, and revels in evading capture while succumbing to her murderous urges.

Even though they were so very different, the twins had one beautiful thing in common: Steven would fuck them both.

Sweet Valley Twins #91: Deadly Voyage

Elizabeth Wakefield is destined to rule America as a just and noble leader. Jessica Wakefield is destined to rule Cell Block J with an iron fist and a sharpened toothbrush handle.

In the West, there shines a star. It is bright and true. It is hope, and it is love. It is called… Elizabeth. In the East, there swirls a vortex. It is black as tar, powerful. It swells, and it devours. It is called… Jessica.

Liz is a whizz! Jess is a mess.

Sweet Valley Twins #23: Claim to Fame

Elizabeth can’t stay mad at Jessica for long.

Elizabeth is the older sister by four minutes.

Jessica loves having fun and avoiding responsibility.

Jessica once hit a tortoise with a hockey stick. (The tortoise died, but it flew for a touch over 47 yards, which was Jessica’s PB at the time.)

Sweet Valley Twins #12: Keeping Secrets

Jessica loves being popular, fashion, and boys. Elizabeth despises most of humanity, wears a sack, and is a raging lesbanim.

Jessica is a Great Old One, spawned in the fires of bile that spew forth from the putrescent cadavers of a million dead innocents. Elizabeth likes horses.

The Wakefield Twins look alike, but they are different as a baby hedgehog and Robert Mugabe.

Elizabeth is great at something, and something else. Jessica, however, prefers a third thing, and even a fourth! Imagine the hilarity. Seriously, imagine it.

Sweet Valley Twins #6: The New Girl

Jessica longs to buy purple sneakers. Elizabeth, however, thinks sports lead to impure thoughts, and spends her money on scripture and flagellation. Jessica is a slut.

This little twinny likes the market. This little twinny stays at home.

Elizabeth likes horses. Jessica likes Unicorns, which are like horses, only hornier.

Sweet Valley Twins #20: Playing Hooky