Sweet Valley Online

Evil twins snarkily recap Sweet Valley Twins, High, University, Confidential & Sweet Life

Sweet Valley Twins #54: The Big Party Weekend

2
Jul 2018
Sweet Valley Twins 54: The Big Party Weekend by Jamie Suzanne

Sweet Valley Twins 54: The Big Party Weekend by Jamie Suzanne

Title: The Big Party Weekend

Tagline: Mum and Dad will be back any minute!

Summary: While Mr. and Mrs. Wakefield are away on holiday in Mexico, twins Jessica and Elizabeth and their older brother, Steven, are left with May Brown, the world’s most horrible baby-sitter!

But the Wakefield kids are determined to throw a party on Saturday night, with great food, fabulous music, all their friends – and no adults. They make an elaborate plan to get May out of the house, and the party of the year is on!

By the end of the party, the house is a wreck. How will Jessica, Elizabeth, and Steven ever get the mess cleared up before May – and their parents – come home?

Initial Thoughts:

I do quite like the cover, with the Little Wakefields tidying up after what can only be perceived as a thoroughly mediocre party. The broom-wielding Steven’s clearly eying up his sisters and saying “right, who wants the first paddlin’?” [Wing: Jessica. Or at least that’s what he’s hoping.]

One thing that does piss me off, however, is the crooked flower-painting on the wall. Firstly, it’s a completely shit picture. Secondly, by itself it’s obviously too small for the wall it’s being displayed on. Thirdly, it has been hung far too low.

Alice is an interior designer. She’s shit at her job.

Also, this:

[Dove: Also, I love that Chalet Girl (a film that is far better than it should be) directly references this advert. If you’re not a Brit, screw you. That joke isn’t for you. As for the actual book we’re recapping, there was a lot that just had me shaking my head and silently judging.]

[Wing: I feel like I’ve read this book before, but that is impossible, because I’ve never read any Sweet Valley until we started these recaps last year. Is there another parents gone/party weekend book that has similar beats in the plot? Most likely.]

Read more about the perfect twins »

 Category: Sweet Valley Twins

 Characters: , , , , , ,

 Relationships: , ,

 Events: 

Sweet Valley Twins Super Chiller #2: The Ghost in the Graveyard

12
Feb 2018

Super Chiller 2: The Ghost in the Graveyard by Jamie Suzanne

Title: Super Chillers 2: The Ghost in the Graveyard

Tagline: Is Sweet Valley Haunted?

Summary: Strange things have been happening to Sam Sloane ever since he moved from San Francisco to Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield’s neighborhood in Sweet Valley. He can’t work out why everything in town looks so familiar—or why he’s mysteriously drawn to a crumbling old mansion in town. When he visits a cemetery in the dead of night and sees a ghost who looks just like him, he turns to Elizabeth and Jessica for help.

At first the twins think Sam is imagining things. After all, who believes in ghosts? But the more the girls get to know their new friend, the more they feel he’s telling the truth. Something is out there. The twins are going to have to do a little ghost hunting of their own. But what happens if they do discover the ghost? Or worse, what happens if it discovers them?

Initial Thoughts:

Although my chosen moniker is suitably gothic, I do not have a horror pedigree.

Sure, I like horror films. They are fun, and scary. And horror books? I love me a bit of Stephen King. I’ve screamed at Freddie and Jason, cowered from Samara, laughed at Chucky and was Finally Destined to face down Fate itself.

I enjoy it… but I don’t live and breathe it.

Both Wing and Dove have a much more visceral pull into the fright genre. They devour it whole, consuming all they can in a search for more thrills and for the love of the form. It’s a long love, from childhood, and it informs their nostalgia for this very site. Go check out all the fine work on point horror dot com for proof. [Wing: Well, he’s not wrong. Even our names come from a Point Horror book.]

But me? I’m a fairweather frightmeister. If pushed, I prefer a belly laugh or a pewpewpew space epic.

The point of this confession?  A mere FYI.

This Super Chiller isn’t really in my wheelhouse. So take all you read with a hefty pinch of salt.

Onward!

Read more about the perfect twins »

 Category: Super Chillers, Sweet Valley Twins

 Elizabeth’s book-long soulmate: 

 Characters: , , , , , , , ,

 Events: 

Sweet Valley Twins #29: Jessica and the Brat Attack

9
Oct 2017
Sweet Valley Twins 29: Jessica and the Brat Attack by Jamie Suzanne

Sweet Valley Twins 29: Jessica and the Brat Attack by Jamie Suzanne

Title: Jessica and the Brat Attack

Summary: More than she can handle…

Jessica Wakefield can’t wait for the school fair – until she gets stuck being in charge of the water-balloon booth. Who wants to be drenched by every kid at Sweet Valley Middle School? So when her twin sister, Elizabeth, is offered a baby-sitting job that day, Jessica sees the perfect opportunity to steal the job away and stick her sister with the water-balloon booth.

But Jessica’s plan backfires. The kids she baby-sits turn out to be real monsters. The minute their parents leave, they begin tearing up the house – and her! Jessica needs help fast. But will Elizabeth feel too betrayed and too wet to come to her sister’s aid?

Tagline: Jessica meets her match when she takes up baby-sitting!

Initial Thoughts

Wait, so we just finished a book that was all about them pretending to switch places because they switch places so often, and now we have non-consensual switching places? I am already tired of this Twin Magic Gone Wrong thing and all I’ve done is read the summary.

Read more about the perfect twins »

 Category: Sweet Valley Twins

 Characters: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

 Events: ,

Sweet Valley Twins #28: April Fool!

25
Sep 2017
Sweet Valley Twins 28: April Fool by Jamie Suzanne

Sweet Valley Twins 28: April Fool by Jamie Suzanne

Title: April Fool!

Tagline: Is Elizabeth pretending to be Jessica – or is Elizabeth really Elizabeth?

Summary: It’s April Fools’ Day and the Wakefield twins are about to play their biggest and best trick ever. Usually Elizabeth and Jessica pretend to be each other. But this year they won’t switch identities, everybody will just think they did.

When April 1 comes, the twins’ trick works perfectly – too perfectly for Elizabeth. Everyone believes she is Jessica pretending to be Elizabeth. And being Jessica always means getting into trouble. By the end of the day, Elizabeth is beginning to wonder whether she is the biggest April Fool of all for agreeing to be part of this charade.

[Raven: Or are WE the fools for recapping this ridiculous series? You decide!]

[Wing: We are certainly the fools for having to read this book. I raced through it as fast as I could and still wish I could get that 15 minutes back. In order to get through this recap, I’ve embraced my inner Jessica and put on a face mask (mint and charcoal). It will be dried in 10 minutes. I will devote that much more time to this book, and then that’s it, straight to the final thoughts section, even though I normally love Raven’s recaps. This book is just that boring.]

Initial Thoughts:

Ah, a rare thing… a book title containing an exclamation mark / point. Although scouring the SVT series, it seems it has another eight such books to keep it company.

I quite like April Fools’ Day, but I appreciate that the mileage of others may vary on this issue. The day generally consists of half the people partaking and recounting hilarious pranks, while the other half sneer and condescend at the pranksters and pray for a swift resolution to the enforced jollity. Any form of awkward interaction gets the thumbs up from me.

Read more about the perfect twins »

 Category: Sweet Valley Twins

 Characters: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

 Events: 

Sweet Valley Twins #23: Claim to Fame

31
Jul 2017
Sweet Valley Twins 23: Claim to Fame by Jamie Suzanne

Sweet Valley Twins 23: Claim to Fame by Jamie Suzanne

Title: Claim to Fame

Tagline: Which twin will go down in history? [Raven: Jessica, of course. Murder One.]

Summary: For its 25th anniversary celebration, Sweet Valley Middle School is burying a time capsule – and a special school-wide contest will decide what goes inside. Identical twins Jessica and Elizabeth Wakefield are each determined to win. Jessica is teamed with her fellow Unicorns, and Elizabeth and her friends are with George Henkel, the shyest boy in school, who is without a mother and hardly ever sees his father.

With the race just about even, Elizabeth stumbles on the one thing that will definitely make her team win – an old football that belongs to George Henkel’s father! It’s the football that was used to score the winning touchdown at Sweet Valley’s first state championship. Now, there’s more at stake than just winning. Maybe Elizabeth can also bring George and his dad back together again… if Jessica doesn’t get to the football first!

Initial Thoughts:

Thrilling cover. The twins. Being twinny.

What the hell has this got to do with fame? Maybe a promo shot for whatever fame-related escapades occur in the narrative. Either that, or it’s an advertisement for a specialist massage parlour.

Hopefully the book will have a happy ending.

Read more about the perfect twins »

 Category: Sweet Valley Twins

 Elizabeth’s book-long soulmate: 

 Characters: , , , , , , , ,

 Events: 

Sweet Valley Twins #20: Playing Hooky

3
Jul 2017
Sweet Valley Twins 20: Playing Hooky - Jamie Suzanne

Sweet Valley Twins 20: Playing Hooky – Jamie Suzanne

Title: Playing Hooky

Tagline: How far will Elizabeth go to save her sister? [Raven: Not as far as Jessica, I’m sure.]

[Wing: Not sure Jessica would go any sort of distance to save anyone else but herself.]

Summary: Kent Kellerman, soap opera star, is coming to town. One whole episode of his show is being filmed downtown and Jessica and Lila have passes to get on the set. There’s one small problem. The filming is to take place during school hours. They’d only have to skip one little class…

Now both girls must face up to their punishment. For Jessica, that means no extracurricular activities, no Booster club, and worst of all, no playing in the basketball championship playoffs. Without Jessica, the team is sure to lose and she’ll become Sweet Valley’s most unpopular girl. That is, unless her twin sister, Elizabeth, agrees to save the day – and the game!

Initial Thoughts:

The cover is nothing more than a Circle of Predatory Grooming. Seriously, I thought the Adult Torso was actually handing the nameless twin a condom.

[Dove: To be fair, that’s what it looks like in the thumbnail.]

It’s actually a slip of paper or some sort. Perhaps our American Correspondent can shed some light on this arcane school tradition.

[Wing: American schools are truly bastions of safe sex education. Or really, he’s giving her a detention slip or something similar.]

Read more about the perfect twins »

 Category: Sweet Valley Twins

 Characters: , , , , , ,

 Events: ,

Sweet Valley Twins #9: Against the Rules

13
Mar 2017
Sweet Valley Twins 9: Against the Rules

Sweet Valley Twins 9: Against the Rules

Title: Against the Rules

Tagline: Is Elizabeth about to make the biggest mistake of her life? I’m guessing no, unless the book focuses on her decision to attend a private tutoring session with Mr Nydick.

Summary: Good friends are big trouble…

Sophia Rizzo is a good writer on the school newspaper, she’s nice, and Elizabeth likes her But all the other kids at Sweet Valley Middle School – including Elizabeth’s twin sister. Jessica – make fun of Sophia because her family is poor and her brother as always in trouble. Even Elizabeth’s parents tell her to stay away from Sophia.

To show Sophia that she’s her friend no matter what anybody says. Elizabeth decides to go against strict orders from her parents and throw a secret birthday party for Sophia.

But is Elizabeth willing to pay the price if she’s caught?

Initial Thoughts:

This promises to be a Very Special Episode of the Sweet Valley Twins saga. Today, we learn about poor people. And Italian Americans. And, thanks to another inspired cover, we know a brunette enjoys a cake.

Woo. And, indeed, Hoo.

[Wing: But the girl on the left appears to hate cake, the brunette, and Liz. And maybe all of Sweet Valley. Girl on the left, are you me?] [Raven: In all seriousness, who is that meant to be? Maybe Amy Sutton? She’s not wearing purple so she’s not a Unigibbon.] Read more about the perfect twins »

 Category: Sweet Valley Twins

 Elizabeth’s book-long soulmate: 

 Characters: , , , , , , ,

 Events: ,

Sweet Valley Twins #6: The New Girl

13
Feb 2017
Sweet Valley Twins 6: The New Girl

Sweet Valley Twins 6: The New Girl

Title: The New Girl

Tagline: How can twin sisters cause triple trouble? Answer: By kidnapping a classmate and forcing them to undergo radical plastic surgery for the purposes of a joke? Pretty sure Amy would do it willingly.

Summary: Identical twins Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield don’t always agree on things – until Brooke Dennis arrives at Sweet Valley.

Both twins agree that she’s horrible. She snaps at everyone who tries to be nice to her and she’s constantly saying mean things to people.

To yet even with Brooke, the twins invent a third look-alike sister whom they call Jennifer. Pretty soon all of Sweet Valley Middle School is in on the plan. But then Elizabeth discovers the real reason why Brooke is so mean. Suddenly, the plan to get revenge doesn’t seem like such a good idea.

Can Elizabeth stop her classmates from playing the ultimate joke before Brooke’s heart gets broken?

Initial Thoughts:

The New Girl. What an impressively awful title. And the cover? A frowning brunette points at a smirking blonde. Inspired.

I’m already disappointed in this book, and I’ve not even opened it.

Read more about the perfect twins »

 Category: Sweet Valley Twins

 Elizabeth’s book-long soulmate: 

 Characters: , , , , , , , , ,

 Events: 

Sweet Valley Twins #2: Teacher’s Pet

9
Jan 2017
Sweet Valley Twins 2: Teacher's Pet

Sweet Valley Twins 2: Teacher’s Pet
(Image not mine, came from Calibre’s data scrape – I think from Shannon’s Sweet Valley Blog)

Title: Teacher’s Pet

Tagline: Will Jessica steal the lead in the ballet recital from Elizabeth? (The answer to that question is always yes. If Jessica can steal something from Elizabeth, she will. And Elizabeth will be like, “Oh, Jess, you’re so funny.”) [Raven: Alternate Tagline – “Elizabeth waves her hands in the air, while Jessica just doesn’t care.”]

Summary: The twins start ballet class and compete for a solo. Jessica is the better dancer but Elizabeth is the teacher’s pet!

Initial Thoughts:

I’ve read this book far too often to have any initial thoughts about it. Sorry.

[Wing: My first time. It was not as terrible as the first one, because there’s a lot less body shaming, but the entire Wakefield family is still pretty obnoxious.]

[Raven: Ballet? Bring it on.]

Front cover:

Liz: I’m a pretty ballerina, watch me twirl!

Jess: Fuck you! Give me four years and I’ll kill my boyfriend and frame you for it. That’ll fucking teach you!

(Out of all three of us recappers, I’m the only one who has any idea what comes after SVT – I’ve not read all the books, but I’ve read Twins, a bit of High (and plenty of recaps), about eight of Uni and all of Confidential and Sweet Life.)

[2 Feb 2017 update: Wing: For another take on this book, check out the Super Serials podcast episode.]

 

Read more about the perfect twins »

 Category: Sweet Valley Twins

 Characters: , , , , , , , , , , ,

 Events: