Sweet Valley Online

Evil triplets snarkily recap Sweet Valley Twins, High, University, Confidential & Sweet Life

recaps by Dove


Sweet Valley Twins #53: The Slime That Ate Sweet Valley by Jamie SuzanneSweet Valley Twins: Sweet Valley Twins #53: The Slime That Ate Sweet Valley (25 Jun 2018)
Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins #53: The Slime That Ate Sweet Valley wherein she over-identifies with a nerd, keeps saying Smooze instead of "the Slime" and Jessica's first kiss gets revoked.

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Sweet Valley Twins 51: Elizabeth the Impossible by Jamie SuzanneSweet Valley Twins: Sweet Valley Twins #51: Elizabeth the Impossible (4 Jun 2018)
Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins #51: Elizabeth the Impossible wherein Elizabeth enters an abusive relationship and changes everything about herself to appease her abuser. Or she gets too big for her boots after winning a few awards. You decide what you think the book's about.

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Sweet Valley Twins #47: Jessica's New Look by Jamie SuzanneSweet Valley Twins: Sweet Valley Twins #47: Jessica’s New Look (30 Apr 2018)
Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins 47: Jessica’s New Look, wherein Jessica is a boring, self-centred twat who whines a lot about how wearing glasses is LITERALLY THE WORST. No. This book is the worst.

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Sweet Valley Twins #45: Lucy Takes the Reins by Jamie SuzanneSweet Valley Twins: Sweet Valley Twins #45: Lucy Takes the Reins (9 Apr 2018)
Dove recaps Lucy Takes the Reins, wherein Dove doesn't care in the slightest about Lucy, but ADORES WHOLEHEARTEDLY the b-plot, which features #BestJess

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Sweet Valley Twins 42: Jessica’s Secret by Jamie Suzanne (Katherine Applegate and Michael Grant)Sweet Valley Twins: Sweet Valley Twins #42: Jessica’s Secret (5 Mar 2018)
Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins #42: Jessica's Secret, wherein we find people both stupider and bitchier than the Unicorns, and Elizabeth wants to know: HAVE YOU STARTED YOUR PERIOD?

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Sweet Valley Twins 40: Danny Means Trouble by Jamie SuzanneSweet Valley Twins: Sweet Valley Twins #40: Danny Means Trouble (5 Feb 2018)
Dove slugs her way through another Very Special Episode during which she wants to murder Elizabeth. More than usual.

 Elizabeth’s book-long soulmate: 

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Sweet Valley Twins 37: The War Between the Twins by Jamie SuzanneSweet Valley Twins: Sweet Valley Twins #37: The War Between the Twins (8 Jan 2018)
Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins #37: The War Between the Twins, in which Jessica launches a rival newspaper, many lies are told and Amy Sutton can just get in the f***ing sea.

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Sweet Valley Twins Super Chiller #1: The Christmas Ghost by Jamie SuzanneSuper Chillers: Sweet Valley Twins Super Chiller #1: The Christmas Ghost (18 Dec 2017)
Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins Super Chiller #1: The Christmas Ghost, which is a Sweet Valley retelling of A Christmas Carol, with pop stars and talking unicorns (not the girl gang), and loads of versions of Jessica... all of which she takes a few minutes to identify as being herself (or Liz).

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Sweet Valley Twins 31: Jessicas Bad Idea by Jamie SuzanneSweet Valley Twins: Sweet Valley Twins #31: Jessica’s Bad Idea (30 Oct 2017)
Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins 31: Jessica's Bad Idea, in which the most loathesome creature on the planet goes toe-to-toe with... Jessica? Yes. There is someone *worse* than Jess in Sweet Valley.

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Sweet Valley Twins 30: Princess Elizabeth by Jamie SuzanneSweet Valley Twins: Sweet Valley Twins #30: Princess Elizabeth (16 Oct 2017)
Dove recaps Sweet Valley Twins 30: Princess Elizabeth, in which we learn that the Santa Doran monarchy have incredibly lax security, and that... DOVE LOATHES THE CONCEPT OF MONARCHY.

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