Sweet Valley Online

Evil twins snarkily recap Sweet Valley Twins, High, University, Confidential & Sweet Life

Characters

  •   !ACTUAL GHOSTS! (3)
    Actual ghosts. Supernatural happenings. Do you know what this means? It means that: 1) people can and do die in Sweet Valley; and 2) this series is spookier than Point Horror.
  •   Aaron Dallas (7)
    Jessica's sort-of boyfriend. Although if you read Sweet Valley Confidential, it states she never liked Aaron and didn't know him well. He likes dumb jokes and sportsball. Because boy.
  •   Adam Scott (1)
    An ecology-enthusiast that Jessica meets during the oil spill in #45 Lucy Takes the Reins. Never seen again, but I genuinely feel that Jessica wouldn’t have killed him. Unless she blames him for Whiskers having to go back to the wild. Wait, yeah, that’s what happened. Status: Never seen again. Presumed dead and buried in the Mercandy backyard by Jessica.
  •   Alice Wakefield (42)
    The twins’ mother, often mistaken for the twins’ older sister. Works part time as an interior designer, cooks excellent meals and keep the Wakefields’ “attractive split-level house” spotlessly clean. Sucks at being a parent.
  •   Amy Sutton (54)
    Elizabeth’s best friend and one of the writers for the Sixers. The only member of The Boosters (besides Winston Egbert) who isn’t a Unicorn. She’s both too clumsy for ballet, but a brilliant addition to the Booster club. And still she’s boring.
  •   Andrea Robinson-Wallace (1)
    Mary’s mother. Married to Tim Wallace.
  •   Andy McCormick (1)
    Brother of Melissa. Apparently good at basketball. Not really very important.
  •   Anita Pearce (2)
    Caroline Pearce’s older sister, and Josh Angler’s ex- (or is she) girlfriend.
  •   Anna Barrett (1)
    A girl who can't sing but fakes her way into a choir competition so she can find her long-lost sibling because adoption and shit.
  •   Anna Reynolds (0)
    A deaf girl who moves to Sweet Valley late in the series, frightfully important for one book, then invisible for the rest of the series.
  •   Annie (1)
    Was all set to marry Sarah Thomas’ dad for his money, until her blatent neglect of Sarah drove a wedge between them.
  •   Arthur Castle aka Castillo (1)
    A prince from Santa Dora pretending to be a lowly serf, like us. Keeps being given Confederate flags by the Sweet Valleyites.
  •   Bambi Mifflin (1)
    George Fowler’s girlfriend in The Unicorns Go Hawaiian. Lands a part in Days of Turmoil. Never seen again.
  •   Barbara Fields (1)
    Antagonist of The Big Camp Secret. Is mean to everyone except for Grace Oliver, because she’s hiding the scars of her divorced family. Saves Grace from a highly improbable fire (lightning hits a wooden shack in the middle of a torrential downpour), so it’s all ok. Status: Never seen again. Presumed dead and buried in the Mercandy backyard by Jessica.
  •   Beau Dillon (5)
    Totally hot teenage movie star of Tender Hearts, a movie all about the tragedy of a privileged white boy with plenty of insurance, who suffers from cancer. Oddly released at Christmas. When #WhitePeopleProblems are what everyone wants to watch.
  •   Belinda "Billie" Layton (12)
    Female athlete who graciously gave up her own name, when her dumb parents were too lazy to come up with another name for her new brother, Billy.
  •   Betsy Gordon (4)
    A popular member of the Unicorn Club. Not to be confused with Betsy Martin, who's a mean girl from a poor family.
  •   Betsy Martin (0)
    A mean girl from a poor family who grows up to be a slut and an alcoholic. But her sister's really nice.
  •   Bobby Gray (1)
    The poor man married to Coco. He’s actually a better parent than his wife to his stepdaughter, Brooke Dennis. But maybe that’s because he’s not actually from Sweet Valley.
  •   Brooke Dennis (9)
    Initially a mean girl who was just misunderstood, became popular once she cheered up. Also rarely seen outside of her books.
  •   Bruce Patman (27)
    A super-rich, super-cute boy who is a year older than the twins, but appears to have no friends his own age, so he hangs out with the sixth grade. Seems like the type who wears a banana-hammock.
  •   Cammi Adams (1)
    A shy girl who rarely shows up as anything other than background noise. During The Incredible Madame Jessica her name is spelled “Cammie”. This is probably the most exciting thing about her.
  •   Caroline Pearce (18)
    A massive gossip. Apparently has no friends, because she only pops up - by herself - whenever gossip needs to be transmitted.
  •   Cathy Connors (3)
    Steven's girlfriend. Clearly a McGuffin he has to win.
  •   Charlie Cashman (9)
    A bully? A trouble-maker? I dunno, he pops up when conflict is necessary.
  •   Chrissy Steele (1)
    What happens when you have both a child and a holiday? Why, you take the holiday and give the child to the Wakefield twins to look after. Chrissy is their “little sister” for a week. During which time, the twins realise they hate being older sisters.
  •   Christoph Bachmann (1)
    East German gymnast.
  •   Claire Caldwell (1)

    1882-1892 RIP

    If that didn’t tip you off, she’s dead. She captivates Elizabeth and her end goal was to get Elizabeth to join her in the afterlife, so they can be DBBF (Dead Best Friends Forever).
  •   Colin Harmon (2)
    A dude. Not really sure what he does, but he’s always around in the background.
  •   Constance Gray aka Coco (1)
    Are you into Johnny Buck? You are? Loser. Everyone knows Coco is where it’s at now. She’s also Brooke’s mom. She’s also a fucking terrible parent. So she fits right in at Sweet Valley.
  •   Dana Larson (3)
    Fantastic singer. Probably won’t do much other than lose singing gigs to Jessica until Sweet Valley High.
  •   Daniel Ross-Jones (0)
    Jessica's science teacher who helps her reach her full potential. (from Wiki, since I have no idea who this is.)
  •   Danny Jackson (1)
    Danny Jackson is the subject of a very special episode, wherein Liz thinks he went to a rubbish school before attending Sweet Valley Middle, but actually he has a learning disability – dyslexia, to be precise.
  •   Dave Carlquist (1)
    High school radio DJ with a super-cool voice. Also known as Buddy. Is described as looking exactly like Buddy Holly, but I suspect referencing the 1950s was too contemporary for Sweet Valley. Status: Never seen again. Presumed dead and buried in the Mercandy backyard by Jessica.
  •   David Barton (1)
    Is he a ghost? Unlikely, he’s wearing a Johnny Buck t-shirt. Status: Never seen again. Presumed dead and buried in the Mercandy McClarendon backyard by Jessica.
  •   David Lowell (1)
    Kid at the Sweet Valley Homeless Shelter. He has a dog named Charlie, which he kept hidden, and the Wakefields have to foster until he gets a new home. Goes to Lila’s Founding Fling.
  •   Dennis Cookman (5)
    A bully who calms down after knowing the friendship of a good woman. Well, girl.
  •   Dennis Sampson (1)
    Monster child that Jessica babysits in Jessica and the Brat Attack. Status: Never seen again. Presumed dead and buried in the Mercandy backyard by Jessica.
  •   Denny Jacobson (3)
    Athlete, seventh grader, Janet Howell’s sort-of boyfriend. Or actual boyfriend. Maybe you’re allowed to date when you’re thirteen? Older brother of Pamela, who was important for all of one book and hasn’t been seen since.
  •   Donny Diamond (1)
    Also known as Donald Kaminsky, lead singer of the Polka Dots. Ms Langberg’s cousin. Also a mega star who is “sooooooo cuuuuuuuuuute”.
  •   Dr Costa (2)
    Doctor who points out – very reasonably – that Mary Giacco-Robinson-Wallace has been through a lot recently. For example, the fact that in the space of six books she’s had three different surnames.
  •   Dr Robinson (1)
    Vet at the Sweet Valley Aquarium. Helped save Whiskers’ life, and was involved in the clean-up of the oil spill in #45 Lucy Takes the Reins.
  •   Dylan McKay (2)
    The less popular, much nerdier, brother of Tom McKay. Has issues then vanishes, just like every other issue-riddled b-player in Sweet Valley. Status: Never seen again. Presumed dead and buried in the Mercandy backyard by Jessica.
  •   Elizabeth Wakefield (89)
    Most perfect human being on the planet. How would life go on without her?
  •   Ellen Riteman (42)
    Member of the Unicorn Club. Thick as two short planks. On the covers, she always looks like she's been transplanted from the 1950s.
  •   Frank Howard (1)
    The hot millionaire that Jessica is convinced Alice will leave Ned for in Jumping to Conclusions. Raven assumes he looks like Fabio. Status: Never seen again. Presumed dead and buried in the Mercandy backyard by Jessica.
  •   George Fowler (4)
    Father of Lila Fowler. Attended the prestigious “Oh, I have a child? Um… take my credit card” School of Parenting. Graduated with a Searing Indifference in attention and a Spectacular Absence in attendance.
  •   George Henkel (1)
    Son of Howard Henkel, a man with PTSD, who resents everyone on the planet. Thank god Elizabeth is here to force them to reconcile, because who you are biologically related to is far more important than what is good for your (or their) mental, physical and emotional well-being. Because Elizabeth says so. Status: Never seen again. Presumed dead and buried in the Mercandy backyard by Jessica.
  •   Ginny Lu Culpepper (1)
    Yeeee-haw! Like a boring version of Jessie from Toy Story 2. Bullied because of her country ways. But she gets better. And then vanishes. Status: Never seen again. Presumed dead and buried in the Mercandy backyard by Jessica.
  •   Giovanna Screti (1)
    Irritating exchange student who does not immediately throw herself on the ground and proclaim that Sweet Valley is literally the best place in the universe. Also, kind of a dickhead herself. Her book sucks.  Status: Never seen again. Presumed dead and buried in the Mercandy backyard by Jessica.
  •   Gloria Andrews (1)
    Some girl who thinks Steven’s hot in book #16 Second Best. Never seen again, so clearly she came to her senses. Status: Never seen again. Presumed dead and buried in the Mercandy backyard by Jessica.
  •   Grace Oliver (6)
    Timid member of the Unicorn Club. Tames a bully. Fancies a nerd. I sort of love her.
  •   Grandma Robertson (1)
    Alice’s mother. Got her ears pierced at a young age.
  •   Grandpa Robertson (1)
    Alice’s father. Likes Darcy Campman.
  •   Granny Mercandy (1)
    Alleged witch. Actually just a nice old lady who takes care of her orphaned granddaughter and ill husband. It's so easy to confuse those things.
  •   Great Aunt Helen (2)
    The bringer of the cash the kids make it rain with on the front cover of The Wakefields Strike it Rich. She also inherits an inn from an old friend. Too much money and free properties? This woman suffers from #WakefieldProblems (Rosey also reports this woman is nothing to do with the Wakefield clan according to the Wakefield Sagas.)
  •   Greg Voynow (1)
    Olympic hurdler with learning disabilities. Now an activist. The text points out that he often visits boys’ clubs to talk about it. So from that we can infer that girls don’t have learning disabilities. Or that Olympic Greg has preferences.
  •   Gretchen Sampson (1)
    Monster child that Jessica babysits in Jessica and the Brat Attack. Status: Never seen again. Presumed dead and buried in the Mercandy backyard by Jessica.
  •   Helen Bradley (1)
    Someone Jessica passed notes to in class. Who are you Helen Bradley? Why don’t you exist outside of this single sentence in #13 Stretching the Truth? Status: Never seen again. Presumed dead and buried in the Mercandy backyard by Jessica.
  •   Henry “Hank” Patman (2)
    Father of Bruce. Bit of a dick. Owns a massive mansion that reeks of old money. Also owns a beach house in Sweet Valley. You know, the town by the beach. Where his main house is.
  •   Jake Hamilton (1)
    Popular seventh grader – oh, Bruce does have friends – and Lila’s love interest.
  •   Janet Howell (34)
    President of the Unicorn Club and Lila’s cousin. Kind of a moron and a dickhead. Possibly the only girl in seventh grade. Apparently very popular, despite the fact that nobody likes her. It’s a conundrum.
  •   Jerry McAllister (7)
    Utterly interchangeable with Dennis Cookman and Charlie Cashman. Oh, wait. He might be fat. But not as fat as Lois, because every knows fatness is twice as gross on girls.
  •   Jessica Wakefield (88)
    Aspiring serial killer. Utterly selfish and ruthless, snobby and vapid.
  •   Jill Hale (1)
    The most wonderful and perfect girl that Steven has ever seen (aside from Jessica, obv). Unfortunately she, like everyone else on the planet, thinks he’s a complete tool. Of course, she’s an obnoxious tit, so they would be perfect together, but that was not to be.
  •   Jim Sturbridge (4)
    A guy who plays baseball. Belinda Layton’s love interest. Also, a colossal prick who really gets his bullying groove on in the early books.
  •   Jimmy Underwood (1)
    A character created purely because the fleet of ghostwriters forgot that they already had a short guy in the form of Ken Matthews. Or the ghost writer of The Bully didn’t want to make Ken Matthews a victim of bullying. I don’t think we ever see Jimmy again. He is described thusly: “Jimmy was the smallest boy in school. He was even shorter than Ken Matthews. Everyone teased him about his size, but he was well liked and protected by the bigger guys, especially Aaron Dallas.” Ah, the juxtaposition of being ruthlessly teased, but well-liked and allegedly protected. Feels like a protection racket to me.
  •   Joe (aka "Sam") Howell (2)
    Janet’s brother. For some reason, he’s known as Sam in #37 (The War Between the Twins) but he’s actually known as Joe throughout the rest of the series. Why? Because the same reason that Melissa’s mum died, then picked her up from the Dairi Burger 12 books later.
  •   Johanna Porter (0)
    Julie Porter's older sister, singer, and invisible until needed. Status: Never seen again. Presumed dead and buried in the Mercandy backyard by Jessica.
  •   Johnny Buck (6)
    Supercute “rock star” who starts concerts at 3pm, throws baseball caps to girls at every town he’s in, and has albums with titles such as “The Buck Stops Here”.
  •   Josh Angler (2)
    The first person to give Jessica her “first kiss”. Also, a junior at High School, so he’s sixteen to her twelve years of age. Made a teensy bit less creepy by the fact that Jessica lied and said she was fourteen-and-a-half (don’t forget the half). But still creepy. Also, baby face on a twenty-five year old’s body on the cover. Back to creepy. Status: Never seen again. Presumed dead and buried in the Mercandy backyard by Jessica.
  •   Julie Porter (11)
    One of Elizabeth's best friends, despite the fact we never see her, and she never does anything interesting. Writer on the Sixers. Has an older sister.
  •   Ken Matthews (15)
    Very short basketball player with daddy issues and a Napoleon complex. As intelligent as plywood. Amy’s love interest. (Spoiler: goes “fatally” blind in one SVH book, but gets better.)
  •   Kent Kellerman (2)
    Adorable actor on tacky soap All the World that the Unicorns are addicted to. Also, Brooke Dennis’ father knows him.
  •   Kerry Glenn (4)
    Q: Who are you, Kerry Glen? A: If you need a background non-Unicorn to speak, and Cammi Adams isn’t around, Kerry’s who you need.
  •   Kimberly Haver (8)
    Member of the Unicorn Club. Honestly, I don't think she's ever done anything interesting ever. Maybe when we get to the Unicorn Club I'll have something to write here.
  •   Laura Wright (1)
    Granddaughter of the woman who didn’t marry the gardener who buried $200 in the Ritemans’ back yard in the 1920s. (Note: Not only did her gran refuse to marry “the help” for true love, but she also kept his money. What a bitch.) Status: Never seen again. Presumed dead and buried in the Mercandy backyard by Jessica.
  •   Leslie Forsythe (1)
    The genius who convinced Mr Bowman to make a movie instead of teaching English during The Slime That Ate Sweet Valley. Big crush on Randy Mason. Has aspirations of becoming an actress.
  •   Leslie Linwood (1)
    Long-lost biological brother of Anna Barrett. Who is Anna Barrett? Well, if you didn’t read Super Edition #2: Holiday Mischief, you’ll never know. Status: Never seen again. Presumed dead and buried in the Mercandy backyard by Jessica.
  •   Lila Fowler (68)
    Member of the Unicorn Club, Jessica's BFF (Best Frenemy Forever), Janet's cousin. Fabulously wealthy.
  •   Linda Lloyd (2)
    Exists solely to move away and vacate the position of Sixth Grade President. Status: Never seen again. Presumed dead and buried in the Mercandy backyard by Jessica.
  •   Loads of East Germans (1)
    Yeah. Loads of them.
  •   LOADS of fantasy characters and cliches (0)
  •   Lois Waller (21)
    OMG, SHE'S FAT! SHE'S A FATTY! A CHUBBER IN SWEET VALLEY! GATHER THE VILLAGERS! TELL THEM TO LIGHT THEIR TORCHES AND GATHER THEIR PITCHFORKS. (Observe the front cover of her book, she's just the same size as everyone else.)
  •   Lucy Benson (1)
    Girl who likes horse-riding. Yet another one of Elizabeth’s book-long soulmates. Has an angsty backstory with epilepsy, but everything comes good when her parents see how good she is at riding and not having an epileptic seizure. Status: Never seen again. Presumed dead and buried in the Mercandy backyard by Jessica.
  •   Madame André (4)
    French ballet teacher, with no business sense at all. Randomly creates lessons and demands people turn up with five minutes’ notice. If there was any kind of justice in Sweet Valley, she’d go bankrupt.
  •   Mandy Miller (7)
    Member of the Unicorn Club. Actually nice and is friends with people outside the club. Beat cancer and regrew her hair after chemotherapy in the space of a chapter. Clearly magical.
  •   Maria Slater (2)
    Former child star, close friend of Elizabeth – quite often has something to do outside of her own book. Probably the only African-American in Sweet Valley. Oddly for its time and the scary Aryan nature of genetics in Sweet Valley, this is not a big deal. I’m amazed.
  •   Mark Riteman (1)
    Younger brother of Ellen. Once had a pet parakeet called Leon. Got swindled by Ellen and Jessica during Buried Treasure.
  •   Martin (1)
    Partnered with Jessica in Jessica on Stage. Got stage fright and had to bail. Status: Never seen again. Presumed dead and buried in the Mercandy backyard by Jessica.
  •   Marvin Mercandy (1)
    Accused of being a zombie. Actually suffering from partial paralysis following a stroke. Thank god the Sweet Valley kids are so sensitive about these things.
  •   Mary Giaccio-Robinson-Wallace (15)
    Former foster kid (Giacco, living with the Altmans), found her birth mother (Robinson), went through angst when her mum remarried (Wallace) but finally settled down. Sometimes has brown hair, sometimes looks just like the twins. Her mother looks just like Alice Wakefield. Seriously, the gene pool is shallow in Sweet Valley.
  •   May Brown (1)
    The babysitter who was thrust on the unsuspecting Wakefield kids when their parents absconded to Mexico to mule drugs across the border. Very into health food. Status: Never seen again. Presumed dead and buried in the Mercandy backyard by Jessica.
  •   Melissa McCormick (7)
    An “orphan” with a living father. Is not scared of Lila. Her mother’s death was the subject of Book #58 (Elizabeth and the Orphans), but in book #86 (It Can’t Happen Here) she picks up Melissa from the Dairi Burger. Guess that death thing didn’t take.
  •   Mr Baker (1)
    Awesome science teacher with the short-lived SOAR! (Science Offers Awesome Rewards!) programme. Utterly cool. Too good for Sweet Valley Middle School, but we will miss him. It is extremely unlikely that Jessica killed him and buried him in the Mercandy backyard.
  •   Mr Bowman (11)
    “Quirky” English teacher with boundary issues. Wears horrible clothes. Elizabeth’s favourite teacher, so I hate him based on that.
  •   Mr Clark (3)
    After a lengthy debate on the podcast, we finally established that Janet Howell is not the head teacher. It’s Mr Clark.
  •   Mr Davis (4)
    Absolute tool of a human being, who thinks girls are smaller, weaker and less intelligent than boys (and deserve to be paid less). But he grudgingly gives a two-word apology at the end of a book, so all good here.
  •   Mr Dennis (1)
    Brooke’s father. A much better parent than his ex-wife, Coco, who forces Brooke to keep secrets from her own father. For some reason though, the text is convinced that a daughter needs a bad mother far more than a good father.
  •   Mr Edwards (1)
    A teacher. Teaches and shit. I’m tired. I don’t know who he is. Is he the vice principal or something?
  •   Mr Linwood (1)
    Father of Leslie Linwood, who is long-lost biological brother of Anna Barrett. Who is Anna Barrett? Well, if you didn’t read Super Edition #2: Holiday Mischief, you’ll never know.
  •   Mr Lowell (1)
    Father of David. Very handy with cars. Was homeless until he scored a job with the Fowlers maintaining their cars.
  •   Mr Nydick (8)
    Allegedly about to be fired in book 1 for doing “something horrendous, maybe to one of the kids.” but still has a job in later books.
  •   Mr Quincy (1)
    Utter gurgling sewer pipe of a human being. Abused his dog. Wing wants to set him on fire. We all want Wing to set him on fire. Status: Never seen again. We hope he is dead and buried in the Mercandy backyard by Jessica. #ThankYouJess
  •   Mr Sampson (1)
    Parent of the monster children that Jessica babysits in Jessica and the Brat Attack. Shockingly indifferent regarding who looks after her child. As long as the babysitter goes to Sweet Valley Middle School, it’s all good. No, don’t want to meet them first. Status: Never seen again. Presumed dead and buried in the Mercandy backyard by Jessica.
  •   Mr Stefan (1)
    Choir master. Is apparently unable to hear the difference between three and four voices singing. Possibly music was his “backup” career? Status: Never seen again. Presumed dead and buried in the Mercandy backyard by Jessica.
  •   Mr Sweeney (1)
    Teaches art. That’s all I got.
  •   Mr Thomas (1)
  •   Mrs Arnette (6)
    Known as “the Hairnet” because she wears a hairnet every day. Kind of grumpy.
  •   Mrs Catherine Bramble (1)
    Owner of a fat spaniel named Sally. Puts up with more shit than she should, and doesn’t have the good sense to throttle Jessica for failing to do the job she was paid to do.
  •   Mrs Gerhart (1)
    Teaches cooking. I bet that’s rewarding in a town full of people who have maids.
  •   Mrs Harrington aka Dolores Dufay (1)
    Once a star of the silver screen. Was in an acting partnership with her husband, but when he passed away, she left the business, feeling that she wasn’t a performer in her own right. (Also, she was over thirty, so it’s not like she’d get cast in anything.) Worked with Jessica during her first acting phase.
  •   Mrs Patman (1)
    Mother of Bruce. Bit of a dick. Owns a massive mansion that reeks of old money. Also owns a beach house in Sweet Valley. You know, the town by the beach. Where her main house is.
  •   Mrs Pervis (1)
    Housekeeper at the Fowler household. Is like a mother to Lila. Has a son. All of this we learned in a single paragraph in Poor Lila!
  •   Mrs Riteman (1)
    Possibly the only decent parent in Sweet Valley as of the first twelve books. Actually reprimanded her kid for stealing – noting that just because the money they took didn’t belong to their friends, didn’t make it any less theft.
  •   Mrs Rizzo (1)
  •   Mrs Sampson (1)
    Parent of the monster children that Jessica babysits in Jessica and the Brat Attack. Shockingly indifferent regarding who looks after her child. As long as the babysitter goes to Sweet Valley Middle School, it’s all good. No, don’t want to meet them first.
  •   Mrs Waldron (1)
    Aunt of Ginny-Lu Culpepper. Not sure what she teaches.
  •   Ms Lacey (1)
    Teaches the jewellery making class in #13: Stretching the Truth.
  •   Ms Langberg (2)
    Gym teacher. Seemingly oblivious to the bully tactics of the Unicorns. Or a big enabler. At least it fits the trend of sadistic PE teachers.
  •   Ms McDonald (2)
    Teaches music. Works out ithig. Was utterly competent until she joined the teaching staff full time.
  •   Ms Pauley (1)
    Teacher? In #16 Second Best? I got nothing.
  •   Ms Shepard (1)
    Trainee teacher who takes the kids back to the pioneer ages, but is young and cool, so even the Unicorns are interested. Mostly because she wears awesome shoes.
  •   Ms Wyler (8)
    Uh… teaches maths?
  •   Ned Wakefield (28)
    Law-practicing father of the twins. Not sure what kind of law, he seems to know about adoption, land, wills and corporate. Clearly must be a nightmare to work with. Or he’s still a trainee and is doing a three month seat in each area? Legal Practice areas: Family (#7 Three’s a Crowd); Corpoate/Copyright/IP (#18 Centre of Attention); and more to come as we cover those books.
  •   Nora Mercandy (8)
    Mistaken for a witch who lives in a haunted house. Relentlessly bullied until she revealed she had a famous grandpa, and now everything’s cool.
  •   Officer Carey (2)
    Officer Carey, the best police officer Sweet Valley has to offer. And by this I mean he’s blazingly indifferent to everything that goes on, safe in the knowledge that busybody Elizabeth will solve the crimes of Sweet Valley.
  •   Olivia Davidson (6)
    Quirky hippie artist. Ought to beware of fridges and earthquakes.
  •   Pamela Jacobson (4)
    Subject of a Very Special Episode, where we learn that being disabled is just like spraining your ankle. Her brother, Denny shows up in far more books. Probably because he’s “so cute”. Status: Never seen again. Presumed dead and buried in the Mercandy backyard by Jessica.
  •   Pamela McDonald (1)
    One of the creepiest characters ever invented in Sweet Valley. She becomes obsessed with Elizabeth during Elizabeth the Impossible. She dresses like her, befriends her, gets rid of Elizabeth’s other friends, and then starts controlling Elizabeth’s behaviour. See, Elizabeth, it’s not nice to be on the other end of your book-long soulmates bullshit, is it? Status: Never seen again. Presumed dead and buried in the Mercandy backyard by Jessica.
  •   Patrick Morris (2)
    Sophia Rizzo has a crush on him. I swear he has a storyline, but I cannot remember it. After re-reading that story, no wonder I forgot it. His parents kept saying no to stuff because they were broke. Patrick ran away. But everything got better. It sucked.
  •   Patty Gilbert (0)
    Sweet Valley's second African-American student. Shows up to have scoliosis, and is never seen again. Status: Never seen again. Presumed dead and buried in the Mercandy backyard by Jessica.
  •   Pete Stone (1)
    Was seen in Sweet Valley Twins #40: Danny Means Trouble “pretending to be deaf” by sticking straws in his ears. Clearly a thoughtful young man. Status: Never seen again. Presumed dead and buried in the Mercandy backyard by Jessica.
  •   Peter Burns (1)
    Not to be confused with the lead singer of Dead or Alive. Was seen in Sweet Valley Twins Super Chiller #2: The Ghost in the Graveyard, Jessica thinks he was Einstein in a former life. Status: Never seen again. Presumed dead and buried in the Mercandy backyard by Jessica.
  •   Peter DeHaven (3)
    The smart one, according to Wiki. I can’t tell the difference between him and the other Peter. Runs for the position of Class Treasurer against Elizabeth and calls himself “Rockin’ Peter” for this.
  •   Peter Jeffries (1)
    The one Mandy has a crush on, according to Wiki. I can't tell the difference between him and the other Peter.
  •   Peter Sampson (1)
    Monster child that Jessica babysits in Jessica and the Brat Attack. Status: Never seen again. Presumed dead and buried in the Mercandy backyard by Jessica.
  •   Prince Adair (0)
  •   Prince Dorin (0)
  •   Randy Mason (2)
    Super nerd. Loves science. Because nerd.
  •   Rick Hunter (7)
    Another cute seventh grader (are there any other kinds? Are there any girls in seventh grade?), who has a crush on Jessica, meaning they snipe at each other. And I got invested and aside from one book, it never happened again!
  •   Ricky Capaldo (1)
    Small, shy, skinny boy. Jessica threatens to put him on a committee in #19 Boys Against Girls, in order that he’ll pull a sickey and the girls can control the vote. Narrowly avoided being tied up and kidnapped, but Jess managed to come up with a different plan.
  •   Rob (Amy's Boyfriend?) (1)
    Colossal wazzock. Tries to steal Jessica’s CDs at the Wakefields Big Party Weekend. Status: Never seen again. Presumed dead and buried in the Mercandy backyard by Jessica.
  •   Robert Thomas (1)
    Sarah Thomas’ father. Was going to marry Annie, until she nearly killed his daughter with neglect. Moved on to a much better woman – Sophia Rizzo’s mother.
  •   Roberta Manning (1)
    Ex-member of the Unicorn club. Had the bad taste to date Steven Wakefield. Was thrown out of the club. Status: Never seen again. Presumed dead. Suspected murder(s): Alice Wakefield (because sooner or later her maternal instinct must kick in); Janet Howell (because she has a thing for Steve and hates people bad-mouthing the Unicorns); or Jessica Wakefield (because why not?). Probably buried in the Mercandy backyard.
  •   Robin (Wakefield?) (2)
    The twins' cousin who lives in San Diego. Sort of a mish-mash of Elizbeth and Jessica, and she looks like them too. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH THE GENETICS IN THIS SERIES?
  •   Ronnie Edwards (2)
    A slightly nerdy dude (but not as nerdy as Randy Mason), who would have been good on a the school remodeling committee, but this is war, and the girls controlled the vote in #17 Boys Against Girls.
  •   Sally Holcomb (1)
    Sixth grader who has the audacity to have breasts already. Slut. She’s crushing on Jim Sturbridge, and kills Billie/Belinda Layton’s confidence. Then she vanishes without a trace and nobody ever mentions her again. Status: Never seen again. Presumed dead and buried in the Mercandy backyard by Jessica.
  •   Sam Sloane (1)
    Long-lost twin of David Barton. Note a ghost. Status: Never seen again. Presumed dead and buried in the Mercandy McClarendon backyard by Jessica.
  •   Samantha Williams (1)
    Penpal of Amy Sutton. Is a bag of dicks to Amy, ditches her for the Unicorns, and – as it turns out – ran away from home because her parents were paying more attention to her sister. Who was sick. Status: Never seen again. Presumed dead and buried in the Mercandy backyard by Jessica.
  •   Sandra Ferris (5)
    A fugly invisible girl who becomes popular through the power of prettiness after a makeover. Clearly she reverted to her former look, because she was never seen again after her book. Which is a good thing, because Sandra is an attention-seeking drama queen who needs a good kick in the face. Emotionally manipulative. Will probably spend the rest of her life crying in the loos on a night out, desperately forcing her friends to validate her prettiness. (Or Jessica killed her. I’m plumping for that one.) Status: Never seen again. Presumed dead and buried in the Mercandy backyard by Jessica. #ThankYouJess
  •   Sarah Thomas (4)
    Only child, dead mother, a bit spoilt and would have died without Elizabeth's intervention (according to A Christmas without Elizabeth). Gets to be unlikely BFFs with Sophie Rizzo when their parents meet and start dating.
  •   Scott Joslin (1)
    Seventh grade friend of Bruce Patman, so most probably a dick. Was briefly in the “rock band” NRG with Jessica. Status: Seen once or twice after initial appearance but disappears later. Possibly dead and buried in the Mercandy backyard by Jessica.
  •   Shellae Mueller (0)
    From Wiki, since I haven't got that far in the series yet: enemy of the twins, burned their pom-poms, easily identified by her clipboard and 3-inch stiletto heels. (A 12 year old in 3" heels? WTF?)
  •   Sherrie Dunston (1)
    Superstar soprano/pretty girl and obvious nemesis of Jessica in Super Edition 2: The Class Trip. Status: Never seen again. Presumed dead and buried in the Mercandy backyard by Jessica.
  •   Sonya Gray (1)
    Sonya is Brooke’s half-sister (Coco and Bobby’s child), though Brooke never refers to her as such, always just “sister”. That’s all I got. She’s largely just a McGuffin to move around the book as required.
  •   Sophia Rizzo (6)
    OMG, SHE’S POOR! RUN AWAY! Thank god Elizabeth sees past her mother’s income and get to know the real Sophia. Gets to be unlikely BFFs with Sarah Thomas when their parents meet and start dating. Has two birthdays in one school year (Against the Rules and The Incredible Madame Jessica).
  •   Stacey (Wakefield?) (2)
    Younger sister of Robin, and cousin to the twins. Has red hair like her father. Does she not know that everyone looks like the twins in this family?
  •   Steven Wakefield (47)
    Irritating older brother of the twins. His personality bounces wildly between wise protective big brother and colossal asshat.
  •   Susan Sampson (1)
    Monster child that Jessica babysits in Jessica and the Brat Attack. Status: Never seen again. Presumed dead and buried in the Mercandy backyard by Jessica.
  •   Tamara Chase (6)
    Member of the Unicorn Club. Has never done anything interesting in the entire series so far (I'm up to book 83). But she has a really pretty name, so that's something. Raven has a completely unfounded hatred for her.
  •   Ted Rogers (4)
    A lowly stablehand with a limp. Goes on to own Thunder, a horse previously owned by Lila, and never shows up again after book 8, First Place.
  •   The Jaguars (1)
    Pronounced: Jag-wahr (unless you’re English, then it’s jag-u-ahr) Like the evil twins of the Unicorns. These girls are so evil that people miss months of school after their initiation rituals. They make the Unicorns look like kind, giving and upstanding members of society.
  •   Tim Davis (1)
    He’s tall. And he plays basketball. That’s all I’ve got. Status: Never seen again. Presumed dead and buried in the Mercandy backyard by Jessica.
  •   Tim Wallace (1)
    Mary’s mother’s husband. Causes angst for Mary, who feels that there’s not enough room in her mum’s life for both of them, but is actually awesome, and everyone lives happily ever after.
  •   Todd Wilkins (6)
    Magnificently boring love interest of Elizabeth. Prone to getting in a snit over nothing. He never grows out of this. Sadly, he survives. I've read all of Sweet Valley Confidential/Sweet Life.
  •   Tom McKay (2)
    Much better and cuter version of Dylan McKay.
  •   Tony Rizzo (1)
  •   Winston Egbert (15)
    Class clown, geek, and member of the Boosters Club. Sort-of in a couple with Grace Oliver.